Willam Belli's 6 Rules for Revenge

I was infamously able to keep my cool when another drag queen flipped her wig on me during RuPaul's Drag Race, and I attribute that to thinking twice and speaking once (and knowing where the camera is before striking to kill). I always take a few deep breaths. When you yell and get hyped, your brain doesn't get as much oxygen as it would when you're breathing properly. So deep breaths. You can even use that time to formulate a stealth retaliation. You want a clear path to revenge that will indicate utter defeat in the opposing party compounded with a perplexity as to who or what put the events into motion. The inability to credit a specific person with the blame will let the asshole know "Wow--my behavior sucks enough that it could be any number of people" and hopefully encourage the asshole to change. The anonymity is key. Here are a few ways to fuck with people boots.

* Send porn to their parents' address in their name. Chances are their mom gets the mail and will be too weirded out to mention it, so it'll just fester her every thought about her son liking piss-party MILF porn or something. And if they do actually address it, chances are the parents won't believe them when they say it's not theirs.

* If you live with someone, take their ice cream and throw it in the microwave for a few seconds--enough to make it slip out like a baby iceberg. Now take a Band-Aid (new or used--your choice), put it at the bottom of the container, and replace that baby iceberg. Throw the carton back into the freezer and live your life.

* Cookie butter. This is the same as above but worse. Scoop cookie butter out of the jar down to the label so from the outside it looks normal. Then put a turd in it (animal or your own). Plop the scooped cookie butter back in while taking care to not disturb the poop too much. The contents on top will be fine. The person won't smell it until after a few uses or they actually eat the stuff that's by the browntown surprise. This is pretty vulgar, so I don't recommend doing it unless you really are over someone. I mean there are only so many people who will have had access to your cookie butter.

* Slashing tires. Never slash all four wheels! If all four tires on your car are slashed, insurance usually covers it. If it's just one, it's out of pocket.

* Place a used false eyelash in a man's bedroom or car or somewhere his partner will find it. It'll lead the partner to think he's either a cross-dresser on the sly or slipping it to a pole dancer.

* Upper decker is a time-lapse revenge tactic. What you basically do is shit in someone's toilet tank. It will eventually go away on its own, but its torment is a solid ten outta ten.

Excerpted from the book Suck Less by Willam Belli. Copyright (c) 2016 by Willam Belli. Reprinted with permission of Grand Central Life & Style. All rights reserved.

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