Kristy Lee
Cook, schooled in the art of war, stumbles over Mimi.
Dang, I just
learned this week that I’m not a real man. Somebody
wrote a letter to The Advocate complaining that
I was “picking on” Dolly Parton and that
it logically followed that I was an “old
queen” and not a “real man.”
The gays are
touchy and hate it when you goof on their divas. (All I said
was that she probably, maybe, quite possibly had a nose made
of glass now. Is that so bad? It doesn’t take
one thing away from her genius as an artist. And she
is that. A genius, I mean. And really, who among us
besides her surgical team has the answers to what is going
on with Dolly’s face? It might not even be
glass. It might be a kind of injected, moldable
polymer. It could even be titanium, making her 3% cyborg,
which would be AWESOME if you think about it. Also, I
never said it was wrong to de-oldify your face, no
matter how odd you wind up looking. See how gentle and
playful I was being?) Anyway, the same thing happened
to me when I wrote something nonworshipful about Diana
Ross once. I got rebuked.
But let’s
stop fighting, gays. I’m your friend. One of you, in
fact. Except not a real man anymore. Which is a
bummer. But I can live with this new reality. I guess
I’ll have to.
It’s
Mariah-Carey-as-mentor week on AI. And I was
all set. This was going to be a gold mine of weirdness, of
loony Mariah Carey-isms. But something very strange is
going on in Mariah-land lately. She seems to
be…this almost hurts to write…not entirely
out of her mind.
Back in the good
old days of Glitter,
“exhaustion,” TRL Popsicle-based
entertainment moments, “Loverboy” videos
that consisted of her caressing her own breasts to the
exclusion of all other activities, and that monumental,
flabbergasting Cribs appearance, you could
count on Mariah for a sweet dose of
reality-disconnection.
But then I saw
her on Oprah. And she seemed all normal, foxy
and sane and thinner, but not in that Posh Spice way
where you have to just sort of smell a lemon for breakfast
and pretend you ate it. My friend Dennis and I
immediately e-mailed each other. His message to me:
“I’m obsessed with how Oprah tried to tie
Mariah's diet into something 'spiritual' and Mariah
wasn't having it. She's like, 'Thanks to this French
lady who works for me now, I never eat anything fun
because I want to look hot.’ It's that simple and it
has nothing to do with the Secret or my higher self or
an aha moment.”
And then after
she and Oprah talked about eating artichokes for dinner
and we got to watch Mariah do water aerobics (guided by ze
French lady who kicks fat American ass) in her
personal lap pool with a chandelier hanging over it,
Mariah sang her new single, “Bye Bye,” which
is about dead people. Not kidding. It’s
actually a “let me see you put your hands
up” slow jam about dead people.
OK, the
show:
Minnie Driver is
in the audience, and she’s right in front of Dennis
Blunden from Head of the Class. What follows is
a transcription of a conversation I had with my friend Kev,
who is kind of obsessed with Dennis Blunden:
Kev: The
principal would yell “Blunden!” when he was
mad.
Me: I never
watched that show once. So I’m turning to you for
information on this guy.
Kev: It was
amazing.
Me: I
don’t believe you.
Kev: And it sort
of holds up. The interesting thing is that it focused on
politics. It was an interesting slice of mid-'80s political
climate.
Me: I like that
there's an "interesting thing" about Head of the Class.
Kev: It’s
not the only interesting thing!
Me: Tell me more.
Kev: It's not
that it didn't fall into sitcom tropes. A brand-new
character was introduced that everyone loved who then got
Alzheimer's. Same thing with this kid who was
illiterate.
Me: So
you’re saying that it touched on sensitive issues.
Kev: Oh, yes. And
they had an Alex P. Keaton character named Alan.
Me: Alan B.
Meaton?
Kev: No! Alan
Pinkard!
Me: How old were
you when this show was on the air?
Kev: Eleven. And
“Dennis Blunden” was my first crush.
Me: Exactly the
right age for a pre-pube “why do my pants feel
funny” moment.
Kev: Exactly. He
later went on to write Good Burger and a bunch
of other stuff.
So that makes two
Good Burger moments in two weeks on
Idol. Maybe Sinbad couldn’t come back
this week and gave him his unused ticket? Teri Hatcher is
back too, probably hoping they’ll let her sing
again. She might want her stab at “I
Believe.”
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Dave White is the author of Exile in
Guyville. He listens to the Minutemen. Find him
at www.imdavewhite.com.