Talkin' All Dumb With Carrie Prejean

Dave White recaps Miss Calif. USA Carrie Prejean's new daytime comedy show with her talk of Photoshopped boobs, closeted bloggers with hidden agendas, the Good Lord, diversity, and the Second World War.

By Dave White

My new favorite show, Talkin' All Dumb With Carrie Prejean, was on yesterday, and it was so good. I hope you didn't miss it.

But if you did, here's her comedy monologue and my own thoughts about the really important and moving things she said. I've cut it down to eliminate the less awesome stuff about her tits and Photoshop and exploitation and basically everything that wasn't about how much she's upset at big meanies who yell at her about her belief in "opposite marriage" and such as.

Everything she says will be in italics. Everything I say will be IN CAPS LIKE I'M YELLING BECAUSE THAT'S KIND OF HOW SHE MAKES ME FEEL ANYWAY, ALIVE WITH LOUDNESS AND EXCITEMENT.

Thank you all for coming. First of all, I would just like to thank Mr. Trump for believing in me and for allowing me to continue as Miss California USA. Second of all, I would like to thank the Miss California Organization for their support thus forward [ sic ]. And again, for believing in me and believing in women and the empowerment of women and how women can really make a difference in the world [ sic ].

ESPECIALLY IN THE SWIMSUIT PORTION. AND UNLESS YOU ARE A LESBIAN. THEN YOU SHOULD STOP TALKING BACK SO MUCH AND LISTEN TO THE PRETTY CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE MARLA MAPLES AND COULD POSSIBLY UNSEAT THE CURRENT MRS. TRUMP IF SHE PLAYS HER CARDS WELL. THE PRETTY CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL GIRL SHOULD BE THE BOSS OF EVERYONE. THAT'S NATURAL SELECTION. IT'S THIS THING THEY HAVE IN SCIENCE.

So I just want to thank both of you for that. I would like to thank the Miss Universe Organization for allowing me to be here today in New York City. I would like to thank the thousands of Americans who have sent letters, sent e-mails, messages. I cannot count the number of fan mail [ sic ] that I've received in the past three weeks, just the people expressing their support of me. They've confided in me that they have found hope and inspiration in my story. I want to thank my mom and dad, who are here with me today.

SHE GETS CHOKED UP HERE, WHICH IS ALWAYS AN EDGY MOVE FOR A STAND-UP COMIC, BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES HER SO DARING AND VALUABLE. IT'S LIKE I'M WATCHING ANDY KAUFMAN.

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Dave White is the author of Exile in Guyville. Find him at www.imdavewhite.com and read his American Idol blog at www.popnography.com .

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Reader Comments

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Name: Hannah
Date posted: 5/17/2009 9:26:00 AM
Hometown: Scotland

Comment:
She's remained "silent". Really? We evidently have a different idea of silent.
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Name: Dave
Date posted: 5/16/2009 12:09:00 PM
Hometown: Lincoln City, OR

Comment:
How many Gays helped her to the top in the "pageant world"? She makes me sick to look at her.
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Name: Paul
Date posted: 5/14/2009 2:49:00 PM
Hometown: New York, NY

Comment:
Does anyone really care what a beauty pageant airhead ("opposite" marriage???)has to say about anything? We're focusing on the wrong people here.
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Name: mikey
Date posted: 5/14/2009 11:41:00 AM
Hometown: moose jaw

Comment:
As long as I can be married to the sea I'll be happy.
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Name: newz4i
Date posted: 5/14/2009 11:20:00 AM
Hometown: Phoenix

Comment:
I can't take credit for this one, however it's the best post I've read concerning the issue of Miss California. copy/pasted: "I did think that it was a bit over the top when she came out in a G-string and pasties singing "The Old Rugged Cross" for the talent competition, but then again what do I know."
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Name: Katie Murphy
Date posted: 5/14/2009 2:40:00 AM
Hometown: Baltimore

Comment:
No - her mouth rearranged to look like what she really is.
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Name: Jason21Tx
Date posted: 5/14/2009 2:39:00 AM
Hometown: Houston, Tx

Comment:
I used to call Ms Palin McB...h, to go along with that two timer McBush, who left the wife who waited for him seven long years. And when he came home, ditched her for a trophy wife worth a few hundred million. Shows you his loyalty........... Now, Re Ms CA. - what is she loyal to? The last great bastion of religious based hatred and denigration that stains our national soul. You can prob guess her proper name here. Hint - it begins with Mc, and derives it's first of the remaining 4 letters from the single letter in our alphabet, repeated 3 times, that describes the org that spread segregation after slavery was abolished. Also, last letter of the 4 is 't' And did you hear what the Palins discussed naming their grandaughter? Ans: "abstinence"
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Name: michael
Date posted: 5/13/2009 10:40:00 PM
Hometown: boston

Comment:
I don't care if she doesn't "believe" in, or approve of, same sex marriage. But to actively campaign against it, I have a problem with that. Just because it's legalized doesn't mean she has to believe in, or approve of, it. Does she understand that? I doubt she would, considering the lack of command of the English language she has.
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Name: Mike W.
Date posted: 5/13/2009 9:39:00 PM
Hometown: South Range, WI

Comment:
We should cut this poor christian girl some slack. It can't have been easy for her to bear the cross of inadequate boobs.
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Name: Jason
Date posted: 5/13/2009 8:03:00 PM
Hometown: Phoenix

Comment:
"He [Ms. Prejean's Grandfather] never spoke about the Battle of the Bulge that he participated in as a rifleman or the honorary medals he received because of his bravery, but he did speak about the freedoms he fought for and taught me to never back down and never let anyone take those freedoms away from you." Pathetic! "Not everyone may like me or agree with me, but I hope at the end of the day everyone can respect my rights as I respect theirs." I do not think you respect gay people's rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Only Christian fundamentalists are worthy of "freedom" inside the USA. Huh Carrie? :-) Personally I have never cared for the concept "freedom." The word is too vague and abstract for my tastes.

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