Get down to the ground

So is everyone on board with the idea that this is now no longer a talent competition? Because it ain’t. All five left have their strengths and their flaws. It’s going to come down to demographics, cell-phone calling plans, the forbidden fruit of pitch-correction technology, sparkly outfits, flop-sweat, and whether or not Prince finally shows up. If he does that, then the earth will fall into the sun and this show won’t matter anymore. And by “matter,” I mean…

I don’t know what I mean.

This week’s Marilu Henner is season 4 contestant Anthony Federov. Cut to him applauding in the audience. You remember him, right? He was the guy who couldn’t sing. Yes, it’s a big alumni organization. It’s not like his can’t-sing qualities were much different from those of, oh, say, John Stevens. But still, he’s here tonight, so he counts as a celebrity.

Seacrest introduces the judges. Nothing special tonight, re: the guys. But Paula’s got on her Wacky-Weave and more jewelry than Randy. Which is a lot. Then Seacrest says that the contestants will be singing two songs each; the first will be from the year they were born. So that means Hicks is doing “Alexander’s Ragtime Band.”

Elliott’s up first with George Benson’s “On Broadway” from 1978. Now, Elliott my son, why did you pick this one? Yes, it was a hit. But there were lots of them that year. Yes, it’s a chance to show off your crazy vocal gymnastic ability. But you can do that any time. Do these kids not yet know that when you end up in the top five you have to go for the jugular every single time? You have to make people leap to their feet with excitement or cry like they just lost their beloved pet dog. You have to pick songs that make people melt and swoon, “Oh, I LOVE that song!” And guess what? “On Broadway” isn’t one of them. Cut to Ace in the audience giving Elliott the Ace-Smile. It’s the one he gets every time he looks in the mirror and sees himself staring back. He goes, Holy shit, I just remembered for the 47,000th time how damn good looking I am. Everyone else’s life must suck. When Elliott finishes, Seacrest calls him “Yamin the Machine.” Isn’t it a little late to be inventing nicknames for people, Seacrest? It’s May sweeps already. This show is over in three more weeks. Randy’s been working on his own catchphrases for years now and they still haven’t taken. What makes you think you’re going to just whip out “Yamin the Machine” and make it stick? You’re not that magical. Yet.

Commercial time: Here’s one for Mac. According to the ad, my choices in life all boil down to being a dweeb in a suit with an iPod I use to listen to my “slow jams” or a smug, techno-precocious college freshman with greasy hair and a hoodie. There is no middle ground. You will be hip or you will die from the mocking laughter of others. And now back to our program…

Two women in the audience are holding a sign that reads, “Ryan…We’ll Be Your Desperate Housewives!” So topical, these ladies. Teri Hatcher was just on Oprah yesterday spilling it about her three dates with Seacrest. According to her, an hour after the Us Weekly–splattered pictures of them kissing were snapped, he called her and said, “I can’t do this with you,” and she hasn’t heard from him since. I think I believe that. This guy has, like, nine jobs. How would he have time for a relationship that wasn’t rented by the hour? Not that I’m saying he does that sort of thing. Rent people, that is. I don’t even have any awesome rumors about that. Because if I did, I’d share them.