Not sure what is
“politically correct” when speaking with a
transgender person? Here's a primer on what to say.
Part 11 in The Advocate’s ongoing Transgender
101 series.
Just after
transition, I visited a social gathering of colleagues from
a former employer. I was certain that the rumor mill
had done its job, so I assumed everyone would know
about me. But I was so wrong—almost no one
knew! That was clear after a few greetings. A few people
were amazed and welcoming, but most were speechless
because they just did not know what they could say
that would not offend me.
So what is
“politically correct” when speaking with a
trans person? Actually, the rules aren’t that
much different from the rules you follow in talking
with anyone else.
First of all, use
the pronoun matching the person’s appearance. If the
person is wearing women’s clothing, you’ll be
safe using “she.” But what if the person
has not had surgery? Doesn’t matter; you should still
use “she” if the person is presenting as
a woman. Of course, the reverse is true for trans men.
Simple so far, right?
But what if the
person’s appearance does not conform to the gender
binary? Trans people are generally happy to have you ask
their pronoun preference, because it shows you care.
We like your asking much better than if you guess and
get it wrong, and we get especially unhappy if you use
the pronoun “it.” Same rule as for the rest of
the population, when you think about it.
For some trans
people, the current pair of pronouns just doesn’t
quite work. Some have gone so far as to propose new
ones that are not gender-dependent. Far-fetched? Think
back a few decades to the height of the second wave of
feminism, when the term “Ms.” was proposed as
a title not dependent on a woman’s marital
status. It has since grown to be the default title,
removing the need to look for the presence or absence of a
wedding ring before you can begin speaking with a woman.
Title used to be
one of the things that needed to be established before
conversation starts, and gender still is. Why not remove
that stress? Trans activist Leslie Feinberg prefers
the universal pronoun “ze” and the
universal possessive “hir.” Personally, I find
them a bit awkward, but so did I find
“Ms.” awkward at the beginning, in large part
because it differed from what I was used to. Now
I’m so glad it’s the default.
When you know
that a person is transgender, can you ask about hormones
and surgery? The answer is the same as it would be for
anyone else: no. A person’s health history is a
private matter, and as is the case for people in other
situations, spreading private health information can have
adverse consequences for that person. Besides, many trans
people don’t ever have surgery, for various
reasons I’ve covered in my prior columns.
So what if the
trans person volunteers that she/he/ze is on hormones or
had surgery? Let the person lead the discussion, as you
would non-trans people. Feel free to ask them to
explain something further if you don’t
understand the terminology or procedure. And it’s
always OK to ask how the person is feeling now.
If I told you
that I have had surgery, does that give you permission to
ask if my boobs are real or not? Again, the answer is no,
just like it would be for any other woman. Similarly,
you shouldn’t ask an FTM “What did you
do about your boobs?” The sexual harassment laws
apply to all people, including those who are
transgender.
I’ve
mentioned before that drag kings and queens, cross-dressers,
transsexuals, gender-queer people, and intersex people are
often included under the transgender umbrella. Should
you worry about which of those categories the person
falls into? No. Just use the umbrella term
"transgender" and you’ll be politically correct. The
person may also tell you which term they prefer.
And be sure to
use "trans" or "transgender" as an adjective, as one
does the word “gay.” "Transgender woman,"
"trans woman," etc., are all OK. But saying “Joanne
is a trans” is not. It’s especially
offensive to say “Joanne is a sex change,”
because that communicates private health information and
also is objectifying. For more guidance on terminology
and usage, the media guide published by Gay and
Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation is quite
helpful. Its transgender page is at http://www.glaad.org/media/guide/transfocus.php.
OK, so you still
want to know more about what it means to be transgender,
but you’ve followed my guidelines and your trans
friend does not seem open to questions. What do you do
now? I have a book recommendation for you. The
Riddle of Gender, by Deborah Rudacille, is an
easy read covering transgender science, activism, and
rights.
Oh, and about the
label “tranny.” It remains a derogatory term,
much as “queer” was for LGB people not
that long ago. Of course, pride about being LGB has
grown, and with that trend, some younger folks have even
taking to proudly identifying as queer. A few even prefer
the term as being more inclusive than just saying
"gay," "lesbian," or "bisexual." Meanwhile,
I’ve noticed a few of my trans friends have on
occasion jokingly referred to one another as trannies. Will
"tranny" join the vernacular in the same way "queer" has?
It's too early to tell, so in the meantime, please
don’t call us "tranny."
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Herman is the first transgender member of the
boards of The Point Foundation, a
scholarship lifeline for LGBT students, and of Gay and
Lesbian Advocates and Defenders, the New
England–based LGBT legal rights organization that
filed and argued the court case that brought same-sex
marriage to Massachusetts. She is also a member of
the advisory board of the National Center
for Transgender Equality.