Please don't call me "tranny"

Just after transition, I visited a social gathering of colleagues from a former employer. I was certain that the rumor mill had done its job, so I assumed everyone would know about me. But I was so wrong—almost no one knew! That was clear after a few greetings. A few people were amazed and welcoming, but most were speechless because they just did not know what they could say that would not offend me.

So what is “politically correct” when speaking with a trans person? Actually, the rules aren’t that much different from the rules you follow in talking with anyone else.

First of all, use the pronoun matching the person’s appearance. If the person is wearing women’s clothing, you’ll be safe using “she.” But what if the person has not had surgery? Doesn’t matter; you should still use “she” if the person is presenting as a woman. Of course, the reverse is true for trans men. Simple so far, right?

But what if the person’s appearance does not conform to the gender binary? Trans people are generally happy to have you ask their pronoun preference, because it shows you care. We like your asking much better than if you guess and get it wrong, and we get especially unhappy if you use the pronoun “it.” Same rule as for the rest of the population, when you think about it.

For some trans people, the current pair of pronouns just doesn’t quite work. Some have gone so far as to propose new ones that are not gender-dependent. Far-fetched? Think back a few decades to the height of the second wave of feminism, when the term “Ms.” was proposed as a title not dependent on a woman’s marital status. It has since grown to be the default title, removing the need to look for the presence or absence of a wedding ring before you can begin speaking with a woman.

Title used to be one of the things that needed to be established before conversation starts, and gender still is. Why not remove that stress? Trans activist Leslie Feinberg prefers the universal pronoun “ze” and the universal possessive “hir.” Personally, I find them a bit awkward, but so did I find “Ms.” awkward at the beginning, in large part because it differed from what I was used to. Now I’m so glad it’s the default.

When you know that a person is transgender, can you ask about hormones and surgery? The answer is the same as it would be for anyone else: no. A person’s health history is a private matter, and as is the case for people in other situations, spreading private health information can have adverse consequences for that person. Besides, many trans people don’t ever have surgery, for various reasons I’ve covered in my prior columns.

So what if the trans person volunteers that she/he/ze is on hormones or had surgery? Let the person lead the discussion, as you would non-trans people. Feel free to ask them to explain something further if you don’t understand the terminology or procedure. And it’s always OK to ask how the person is feeling now.

If I told you that I have had surgery, does that give you permission to ask if my boobs are real or not? Again, the answer is no, just like it would be for any other woman. Similarly, you shouldn’t ask an FTM “What did you do about your boobs?” The sexual harassment laws apply to all people, including those who are transgender.

I’ve mentioned before that drag kings and queens, cross-dressers, transsexuals, gender-queer people, and intersex people are often included under the transgender umbrella. Should you worry about which of those categories the person falls into? No. Just use the umbrella term "transgender" and you’ll be politically correct. The person may also tell you which term they prefer.

And be sure to use "trans" or "transgender" as an adjective, as one does the word “gay.” "Transgender woman," "trans woman," etc., are all OK. But saying “Joanne is a trans” is not. It’s especially offensive to say “Joanne is a sex change,” because that communicates private health information and also is objectifying. For more guidance on terminology and usage, the media guide published by Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation is quite helpful. Its transgender page is at http://www.glaad.org/media/guide/transfocus.php.

OK, so you still want to know more about what it means to be transgender, but you’ve followed my guidelines and your trans friend does not seem open to questions. What do you do now? I have a book recommendation for you. The Riddle of Gender, by Deborah Rudacille, is an easy read covering transgender science, activism, and rights.

Oh, and about the label “tranny.” It remains a derogatory term, much as “queer” was for LGB people not that long ago. Of course, pride about being LGB has grown, and with that trend, some younger folks have even taking to proudly identifying as queer. A few even prefer the term as being more inclusive than just saying "gay," "lesbian," or "bisexual." Meanwhile, I’ve noticed a few of my trans friends have on occasion jokingly referred to one another as trannies. Will "tranny" join the vernacular in the same way "queer" has? It's too early to tell, so in the meantime, please don’t call us "tranny."