Last week on Late Night With Seth Meyers,The Advocate was included in a roundup of supposedly faux reactions to the recent Vatican document that stated gay people and those in same-sex relationships have "gifts and qualities to offer the Christian community."
The talk show broadcast a mock cover of the LGBT publication, which listed the cover story as "Last-Minute Gift Ideas for the Catholic Who Suddenly Wants to Be Friends."
In the segment, titled "How They Reported It," Meyers said most of the gifts in The Advocate's article were "scented candles."
Well, Seth must have a mole deeply embedded in our staff somewhere, because right at the very moment that segment aired on his show, our team was burning the midnight (11:35 p.m., really) oil to piece together one very holy gift guide for our devout readers. And Seth, while sented candles can be wonderful tools for prayer, we really have a plethora of gifts to offer:
Cher Sings the American Catholic Hymnal: America's most cher-ished singer gives Gregorian masses, vesper psalms, litanies, and Sunday Mass's other greatest hits a second coming.
Queen James Bible: When we say 'Hail, Mary' we don't mean it the same way you do, Miss Thing. If you are tired of all those haters from the New Testament and the Old Testament, and you want something to thump that is all your own, try this (very real)version.
Tickets to the Sound of Music sing-along: The greatest and gayest musical of nuns and Nazis is now an annual religious experience at the Hollywood Bowl. Look for us in the boxes down front. We'll have the edelweiss pinned to the shoulder straps of our lederhosen.
Pope on a Rope Soap: Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Have some fun in the shower exploring the rocket/banana/dolphin-shaped Pope on a Rope. The pope wants you purified everywhere.
Rosary, uh, "love" beads: After a papal purification, enjoy a lovely gift for the truly devout. The beads arefor those who really find joy in doing penance.
30 Different Remixes of "Halo." Worship at the altar of St. Bey with this playlist, and pray it won't fade away.
Sister Act Memorabilia: The newfound friendship of Catholics has come two years too late to save the Broadway production of Sister Act. Remind your new friends of their duty to be patron saints of live theater with a photograph signed by every cast member from the original production, scored by Alan Menken.
10 Holy Roller-Skating Lessons: America's favorite drag nuns, the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, want to help Catholics become true holy rollers with a Groupon.
Like A Prayer Pillow: For those unfortunate souls without decorative knee pads, a "Like a Prayer" Pillow will do in a pinch for all Madonna shrines and old-school wooden church pews.
So yes, Seth, we do have scented candles. We suggest using them in combination with a relaxing massage to help unaccepting Catholics relieve the tensions of all that previous condemnation.
Something for the Cinephile. For fashionable Catholics, we suggest a DVD of Federico Fellini's Roma. Heavenly inspirations can be found in the sequence that includes the Ecclesiastical Fashion Show.
Calendario Romano 2015: This Roman beefcake calendar is a perfect gift for those Catholics who like purity, chastity, and a little bit of heaven to look at each month.
And condoms. Obviously.
