Op-ed: My Home Is Alive With 'The Sounds of Sodomy?'

Recently an antigay group in Ireland revealed its campaign against same-sex marriage with the absurd tagline, "Should Children be Exposed to the Sounds of Sodomy?" Yes, you read that right. The sounds ... of ... sodomy.

Really? As a gay parent to a 1-year-old, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or scream -- and by scream, I mean scream with hysterical laughter.

This is part of a campaign put out by an unnamed anti-LGBT organization in light of an upcoming referendum on marriage equality. By now I've become numb to these antigay groups and their desperate attacks on same-sex marriage and gay parents. Regrettably, it's nothing new to hear hate speech against my family, as those who oppose same-sex marriage are often stuck on this endless loop shouting, "What about the children?!" and "Think of the children!"

Um, the children are just fine and dandy, thank you very much.

But this new, delightfully ridiculous "sounds of sodomy" campaign this anonymous Irish organization has come up with has given me pause ... and, well, a decent chuckle. Simply by tossing the word sodomy into the conversation, this unidentified bigoted group has revealed the big pink elephant that underlines their opposition, and therefore their ultimate problem with, same-sex marriage and same-sex parents: the anal sex. It all comes down to anal penetration.

They really don't like that homosexuals have the anal sex. Jealous much, perhaps? But here's the thing: Not every gay person has anal sex. Shocking (especially to the straight people who are transfixed by our sexual practices), but it's true.

So based on this campaign's lopsided logic, gays who do not have the "sounds of sodomy" blaring through their homes should therefore be allowed to be married and raise children? Is all it takes to gain favor in their eyes to refrain from the pleasures of the prostate stimulation? No, thank you.

We gays who do have anal sex on a regular basis aren't any less than those people who do not. Anal sex is not something to be ashamed of. I'll repeat this using their terminology: Sodomy is not something shameful. Period. Any sex act performed by consenting adults is healthy and wonderful, regardless of the gender of the two participants.

Also, here's a harsh reality those campaigning on this "sounds of sodomy" ticket need to hear: Anal sex is not solely on a gay couple's menu. I've heard a quite a few straight friends declare anal the new vaginal.

I think every straight lady friend of mine has had or regularly has tuchus action -- and I know a lot of fabulous ladies! Should these straight parents therefore not be allowed to have children because they're crossed over into the sodomy lane? Of course not. And of course this goes the same for the men who enjoy rear-entry fun with their lady loves. Are they any less of a man for this? Absolutely not.

As far as those of us who partake in the anal action, I have no idea what these "sounds of sodomy" even are. As a frequent member of the back door action club, I can't recall a time our sexual intercourse was robust enough to rouse the neighbors down the block.

Rather, the whispered moans between my husband and me have yet to sail into my sleeping daughter's ear, thus ruining her childhood forever and always. Hell, even if we were to suddenly raise our bumpin' and grindin' sounds a few decibels there are these magical, amazing devices most homes have called "doors." Doors allow people to use them to ensure privacy because they close a room off from the rest of the house.

When Daddy and Papa pound one out, we simply close this door and our baby girl is none the wiser. There are even additional tools outside of the door that couples can use to help muffle any sounds during a romantic entanglement. Things like "music," "TV," "ambient noise machines" -- why, the list is plentiful and varied.

I also find fault in the stance this antigay group is taking because it suggests that if a child were to overhear her parents' penis-and-vagina intercourse, somehow these sounds would be totally OK. Because, you know, it's a penis in a vagina. Yet when two men engage in consensual anal sex these sounds are somehow infinitely more harmful to a child? Utter nonsense. Sex noises are sex noises. No kid wants to hear their parents having sex. Ever. Regardless of their parents' genders.

As a parent I love showing affection toward my husband in front of my daughter. I'm not saying that we're PDA-ing it around our house 24/7. But we do kiss goodbye and hello, we occasionally hold hands, we embrace, and we snuggle. I want my child to witness her parents expressing their love for each other in chaste and sweet ways.

Love is beautiful. Having love at home, letting my child know that she has two parents who adore her and each other, can only bring my daughter warmth, comfort, and security.

BRIAN ANDERSEN lives in San Francisco with his husband, daughter, and two cats. He also writes his own line of indie gay superhero comics,SoSuperDuper.