Paris Bennett loves to wrestle. That’s her personality reel moment of the week. She’s a tomboy who loves to wrestle. Well, that’s nice. Now on to the song. See, I have this fantasy. It’s completely unfounded, but I still have it. It’s about song selection in this competition. I imagine that the producers sequester each contestant in a room and go, “OK, here’s your choice: You can sing ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’ or ‘Take This Job and Shove It’ or ‘Conga.’ Now pick one. You have two seconds to make your decision. OK, time’s up. We have selected for you the song ‘Conga.’ Oh? You don’t know this song? Well, it was a big hit before you were born. By the Miami Sound Machine. They were very popular at the time.” And that is the song that Paris Bennett sang while God cried.
Lisa Tucker’s personality reel this week is all about how she fake-loves Jimi Hendrix and knows how to fake-play the guitar. She strums a few notes of a Not-Jimi-Hendrix song—or maybe it’s supposed to be “Purple Haze,” it’s hard to tell—to prove how much she fake-loves Jimi Hendrix. Then you think, F&*#in yeah, she’s gonna sing “Are You Experienced?” or “Hey Joe,” but instead of leaping onto the stage, setting her guitar on fire, and shooting up, she smooves her way through “Where I Stand” from that movie Camp. Which was all about a summer camp for musical theater–obsessed teens. Which is what Lisa is. It’s a great song, though, and she’s effortlessly good, so whatever, but—oops—none of the judges have ever heard of the song, and that’s bad news for Lisa. Stupid judges.
Melissa McGhee loves cars. So that makes one wrestling tomboy, one secret Freedom Rocker, and one gearhead in the Butch-Off. Who will take home the prize of a Craftsman tool chest from Sears? Melissa sings Heart’s “What About Love,” while looking all groupie-slut with a belly ring and the continued presence of big chunky highlights. I don’t want to think about the incredibly high probability that she also wears toe rings. The toe ring is the grossest item of human jewelry ever invented ,and I know she’s got one on. I just hope the camera doesn’t pan down to it, because then I’ll have to start despising her and vomiting like Jimi Hendrix.
Is Katherine McPhee quitting the show? Is she knocked up? Seacrest has to know! Katherine says no, none of that stuff is true because, after all, the show isn’t called Abortion Idol. OK, she didn’t say that last bit. And now it’s time for Kinnik Sky to sing all sharp and awful and I-Dare-You-to-Kick-Me-Off-ish. I think the country is going to take that dare. McPhee is out next to swallow her way through a timid white girl version of Aretha Franklin’s “Think.” Don’t these chicks know that their arms [sic] too short to box with Aretha? She adds extra bad frosting to top off the turdiness by busting some weird little Take-Baby-Steps dance moves. Randy, who has no sense at all, yells, “We got a hot one!”
Ayla “Bland” Brown tries “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. That makes two Bedingfield sibling songs ruined in two weeks; not that it was that hard to kill this one, though, because it already sucks. Ayla races to keep up with the band, stiffly offering up an aerobics class worth of bouncy squats in ugly knickers and corky wedge platforms. Ayla is the white Ashanti, a singer so indistinct and featureless that she erases herself from your eyes and ears, not simply after she leaves the stage, but while she’s still performing.
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