A moment like this  | Arts & Entertainment | Advocate.com

Read CommentsPost a CommentTag this page
 
A moment like this
The Ghost of Kelly Clarkson Past comes to haunt the debut singles from Hicks and McPhee. He wins, of course.
An Advocate.com exclusive posted May 25, 2006
A moment like this

It’s pitch-black on stage or in the audience or wherever they are, but it’s at least clear that Seacrest has been replaced this week by a hologram of Rod Serling, hands clasped, talking about how, for the Idols, this is “the most important night of their lives.” Sez you, Rod Serling.

The audience is a celebreteria. The camera cuts to Mandy Moore, star of the Idol parody film American Dreamz, the one that tanked. Cut to Ben Stiller, whose job it is now to go from concert to concert just being filmed—he was in the audience for the Beastie Boys concert film called Awesome! I F***in’ Shot That!—and likes to make weird jerking moves when the camera hits him. Seacrest decides to take an informal poll. “Who is the next American Idol?” he asks the giant crowd inside the Kodak Theater in Hollywood. Their answer is a clear and resounding, “WHOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and “AUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!” I suppose this means they’re all for Hicks.

Look! Out in the crowd! There’s Bucky! Daughtry! Constantine! (for the 30th time this season, so desperate is he for more camera adoration) Next to Constantine is the Skateboarding Bulldog! And next to him is a tortilla that resembles the Virgin Mary!

Three songs again tonight. Two repeats from each and then…their debut single. This is always my favorite part, the crappy debut single they shoehorn the singer into whether it fits them or not.

McPhee is first with a brand-new version of “Black Horse & The Cherry Tree.” It’s a new version because this time she stands up and dances instead of lumbering around on her knees like she did before. In the middle of the song she totally steals some of Hicks’s monkey moves. Hope it tastes good when you bite his rhyme, Kat. Seacrest takes her to his side and she trots out the “McPhans” thing again and introduces everyone to the concept of “The Kat Pack.” Apparently they exist. Do they like to add random McPhs to everything they say too?

Hicks revisits “Living for the City” in a jacket that had to come from the Fuck You I’m Taylor Hicks and I Wear Ugly Shirts line. It’s shiny and purple and velvety. And it is exactly what he should be wearing. He introduces a new dance move tonight, one I like to call Fosse Steps, where he hops down stairs and then fakes you out a little at a time by backtracking. He’s coming toward you! No! He’s retreating! What will he do next? How wacky can one person be? “Come on, America!” he shouts in the middle of the song. My first instinct is to say, “No. I won’t come on, Taylor Hicks. You aren’t my boss.” But I’ve gone through some radical Taylor Hicks shifts in my consciousness lately, and I may just be willing to come on with America.

More famousness: There’s Taye Diggs, UPN’s canceled Kevin Hill. Cut to Daughtry’s wife, clutching his arm. How long before they get divorced, do you think, now that he’s had a taste of the world outside domesticity?

McPhee slinks through “Over the Rainbow” again, not five minutes after finishing her first crack at it, it seems. At least Hicks reached back a little to Stevie Wonder week. I click my heels three times, but she doesn’t disappear. The camera cuts to Leni Riefenstahl, who’s cheering enthusiastically for McPhee. Oh, it’s her grandma. My mistake. Another cut to McPhee’s dad, crying of course. I’m glad this is almost over, because his weepy routine is starting to creep me out. It feels more and more “bad touch” every week.

Paula critique moment: This might be her best sentence of the season. I think she’s been saving it. She says, “Katharine, it’s no mistake that it’s God-given talent that you are possessed with, that you are possessive of, that…you…every father around this country is feeling the tears down their face as your father does every time the camera goes in on him and you’ve made everyone proud and every little girl proud who wants to dream and aspire to be you.” Then she yells, “Arna!” like Jodie Foster in Nell.

Hicks returns to Elton John’s “Levon.” He starts off, “Levon bluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluhbluh.” I not only have no idea what he’s singing, but it dawns on me that after hearing this song for years now since I was a child, I have no idea what it’s about. Time to Google the lyrics like Clive Davis did last week. Here are some of them:

Levon wears his war wound like a crown
He calls his child Jesus
’Cause he likes the name
And he sends him to the finest school in town…

He was born a pauper to a pawn on a Christmas Day
When The New York Times said God is dead
And the wars begun…

And he shall be Levon
And he shall be a good man
And he shall be Levon
In tradition with the family plan…

Levon sells cartoon balloons in town
His family business thrives…

And Jesus he wants to go to Venus
Leaving Levon far behind
Take a balloon and go sailing…

So there you have it. Levon is about balloon animals. Cut to several discarded contestants from this season whose identities I’ve already forgotten. Randy says it was pitchy. Paula, on a roll, says, “Pitchy to you is the essence of who Taylor is.”

Simon responds with, “It doesn’t make any sense what you just said.”

Cut to Constantine. His face says, “You want my look? You want my signature Constantine look? Yeah, you do! Here it is! My signature look!” Then he arches one eyebrow and continues looking as weird as he ever did.

Now it’s time for McPhee’s single, called “My Destiny.” Ever since Kelly sang “A Moment Like This,” the Idol producers have tried desperately to recapture the thrill of that few minutes of television. From that point on every single winner and runner-up have been saddled with a thematically similar song, a love song that doubles as a contest winner’s testimonial, one seemingly composed by the same Fox lot-sequestered manatees that write Family Guy. Here is the theme: “Holy shit! It’s happening! It’s happening to me! Can you believe it?! Now! Right here! To ME!! You all love ME!! I’m FAMOUS!!!”

But McPhee gets it all wrong. She hits about six really sour notes and you can see the panic spread across her face, even as she smiles broadly. Then the choir lurches in. Cut to McPhee’s mother with her hands to her face. I can’t tell if she’s thrilled or if she’s freaked out and wondering who this gang of robe-clad people are who’ve come to kill or, worse, upstage her golden child. The song over, I wonder how hard the judges will be on her. I wish right now that Pick Pickler was a judge, so she could go, “You butchered eee-yit!” Randy, Paula, and Simon are gentle with her, of course. Simon tells people to vote and to remember “Over the Rainbow.” It’s his gift to her, that comment, heaving one last gasping attempt to stave off Hicks’s inevitable win.

From the editors: Dave White is the author of Exile in Guyville, and if you have enjoyed his series of Idol recaps, we think you’ll love his book. You can find more of Dave White at www.imdavewhite.com.
From the archives of The Advocate and Advocate.com

Reader Comments

These comments are reproduced as written by visitors to this Web site. They have not been edited for content, grammar, or spelling. The viewpoints appearing here are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect the opinion or views of advocate.com, The Advocate, or its affiliates.

Be the first to comment on this story.

Back to top

Submit a comment for this story:

*Type your comment here (Required, 1000 characters max.):

*Name (Required): 

*Hometown (Required): 

*E-mail address: (Required, but will not be displayed)

Is this comment for publication? 
Yes   No

Daytime phone number: (Required for print publication only and will not be displayed)

Please enter the words you see in the box, in order and separated by a space. Doing so helps prevent automated programs from abusing this service.

  

If you would like to submit a comment for posting, please fill out the form above. 

All comments submitted via this form are subject to posting or publication. (To send a private letter to an Advocate editor or writer, please use the e-mail button at the top of the page, or use snail mail.) If you would like your comment considered for publication in The Advocate magazine, please include your full name, your city of residence, and a phone number where you can be reached during business hours so that we can confirm your identity. Your e-mail address and telephone number are strictly confidential and will not be shared or used for any purpose other than to contact you about your comment.

Comments that do not concern specific articles in The Advocate or on Advocate.com will not be posted or published. See the Contact page for sending comments for reasons other than responding to Advocate editorial and news stories.

Please note that comments sent by fax or snail mail are unlikely to be posted, although they will be considered for publication along with all letters received via e-mail or via this Web page. Comments that chiefly concern Advocate.com content will be considered for posting only on the Web site. The Advocate reserves the right to edit submitted comments for grammar, spelling, obscenities, or libel; we will, however, do our best to preserve the original comment's style and intent. Comments considered for publication in The Advocate magazine may also be edited for length.

More Exclusives
  • Messing Around Again
    Forget Grace Adler (for a minute). Suddenly, Debra Messing wants to become everybody’s favorite desperate ex-housewife with her big return to the small screen in The Starter Wife.
  • On Gay Marriage: A Letter From a GOP Mom Re: Sarah Palin
    A registered Republican from the swing state of Ohio has a few questions for Sarah Palin and John McCain on the heels of Palin's vice-presidential debate. Specifically, Kim Peters wants to know: Just how "tolerant" would a McCain White House be of Peters's lesbian daughter?
  • GLBT History Month: 31 Days, 31 Heroes
    October is GLBT History Month, a national celebration of queer culture through the ages. To remind people of our achievements, the Equality Forum has honored a hero for every day of the month. Who made the list?
  • Kristofer Eisenla Does the DNC
    Long before Kristofer Eisenla became deputy chief of staff and communications director for U.S. representative Diana DeGette (D-Colo.), he campaigned for Clinton marching around the living room of his staunchly Republican grandparents' home with a sign he'd crafted himself. Never in his wildest dreams did he imagine 16 years later he'd be so actively involved in the planning of the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver.
  • Russian Officials Shut Down Country's First LGBT Film Fest
    Side by Side was supposed to be Russia's first LGBT film festival, but on October 2, just hours before the scheduled premiere, organizers were met by officials blocking the entrance to the venue, claiming fire code violations—an excuse they say Russian authorities have used since the early '90s as a pretext for shutting down events as they see fit.
  • Memories of Coming Out: Day 3
    On October 11 millions of openly gay Americans will reflect on the day they took those brave first steps out of the closet, providing support and encouragement to others who have yet to find their voice. On the third day of our coming-out series, speaker and lecturer Donna Rose, filmmaker and GroundSpark executive director Debra Chasnoff, and entertainment publicist Len Evans share their coming-out stories.
  • Hilary Duff Wants You to Stop Saying 'That's So Gay'
    “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.” “Friends don’t let friends drive drunk.” “Only you can prevent forest fires.” Since the 1940s the Ad Council has been impacting the culture with slogans like these. Now the venerable nonprofit organization is out to educate teens that antigay slang doesn’t cut it anymore -- and to kick-start the effort, it's recruited Hilary Duff.
  • Jared Polis: Post-Gay Candidate?
    This is the third article in The Advocate's continuing coverage of four battleground states: Colorado, Florida, Virginia, and Ohio. Entrepreneur and philanthropist Jared Polis is set to make history by becoming the first openly gay non-incumbent male elected to the U.S. Congress, but the milestone has failed to send shock waves through his Colorado district. Some think that could represent the greatest progress of all.
  • Memories of Coming Out: Day 2
    On October 11 millions of openly gay Americans will reflect on the day they took those brave first steps out of the closet, providing support and encouragement to others who have yet to find their voice. On the second day of our coming-out series, Brooke Knows Best star Glenn Douglas Packard (pictured), SAGE executive director Michael Adams, and Family Equality Council executive director Jennifer Chrisler share their coming-out stories.
  • Pat Steadman Fights to Turn Colorado Blue
    Since Colorado’s Amendment 2 changed the state constitution to prohibit new laws to protect lesbians and gays from discrimination in 1992, LGBT activist Pat Steadman has been at the forefront of Colorado's equal rights battle. Now, for the first time since that year, Colorado looks like it could well swing Democrat in November's election, thanks in large part to the work of Steadman and Equal Rights Colorado.
  • Yes Takes No: The Firestorm Over Prop 8
    We thought we were winning. Until a few days ago, California’s proposed anti-gay constitutional amendment, Proposition 8, was lagging in the polls. Now they're ahead. What happened? Money, an effective ad campaign, and a passionate voter base willing to stop at nothing to get their point across: In their minds, gay marriage is simply wrong.
  • Memories of Coming Out
    On October 11 millions of openly gay Americans will reflect on the day they took those brave first steps out of the closet, providing support and encouragement to others who have yet to find their voice. In day one of our series on coming out, Lair star David Moretti (pictured), Big Brother's Marcellas Reynolds, and New York LGBT Community Center executive director Richard D. Burns share their stories.
  • Remembering Matthew
    Ten years after his brutal murder, those who knew him best -- and those who learned of him only at the end -- remember that week in October and reflect on the legacy of Matthew Shepard.
  • Gay Days at Disneyland: Part Celebration, Part Fiasco
    For 11 years, gays and lesbians wearing red shirts have descended on Disneyland for Gay Days, an event that forces mainstream Americans to deal with us face to face. And while just-married same-sex couples urging park visitors to vote no on Prop. 8 put a positive political face on the weekend's festivities, the event too often showed the gay community at its worst: drunk, sometimes naked, and acting completely inappropriate for the families looking on.
  • The Advocate's Big Four Report: Colorado
    The Advocate is profiling four battleground states this month -- Colorado, Florida, Virginia, and Ohio -- all of which went red in 2004. Today's story is the first of four pieces focusing on the Rocky Mountain State's political dynamics, LGBT concerns, and how it will all play out on Election Day.
  • Biden, Palin Debate Same-Sex Marriage
    As Alaska governor Sarah Palin and Delaware senator Joe Biden sparred over same-sex unions in their first and only debate Thursday night, one thing was clear: They both oppose gay marriage. But when Biden delved deeper into equal rights and protections for gay couples, Palin didn't take the bait.
  • The Force That Is Patti LuPone
    For Patti LuPone, the standing ovations began almost 30 years ago and have not stopped. The excitement of seeing Patti LuPone live has been thrillingly captured in Patti LuPone at Les Mouches, the never-before-released recordings from her legendary 1980 nightclub act.
  • "I Wanted to Stay Away From Pretty"
    And Kenley does just that in both word and deed on this week’s Project Runway. But darn it, Heidi and Co. have misplaced their box of consequences…