12 Ways to Ask Your Boyfriend for a Threesome
Queer men have a tendency to not be monogamous. There. Let's state it outright.
Long liberated from heteronormative ideals like the nuclear family, two-person monogamous relationships, and marriage, gay men have been pioneers of "nontraditional" relationships for generations. These include nonmanogamous, open, and semi-open relationships. The social milieu surrounding gay lives has changed, sure -- same-sex partners now have the legal right to marry in all 50 states -- but gay men have not.
All that being said, many gay long-term relationships start off monogamously and gradually open up. That "gradually opening up" process is the part that causes so much strife, arguing, bickering, and downright chaos for so many gay couples. Most boyfriends start with threesomes -- both partners decide on a guy they both are interested in and take him home. There is admittedly no easy way to bring up the idea of a threesome to your boyfriend without navigating a minefield of feelings, both negative and positive, in you and your partner: jealousy, excitement, hurt, disappointment, and surprise.
Browse these 12 different ways to have the "threesome talk," keeping in mind that open and honest communication, above all else, is the most vital feature of a good relationship.
Start talking. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3.
A Word of Warning From Writer Alexander Cheves
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely on my own experiences. As with everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive regarding frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that addresses sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions for sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend.
1. “Hey, babe, maybe we should get a joint Grindr account.”
In their well-intentioned attempts to be monogamous in the beginning, many gay couples will clear their Grindr and Scruff profiles and delete the apps from their phone. This is a kind gesture that says, "I'm going to focus on you and only you for a while."
But the simple fact of biological evolution predicts that at some point it will become hard to focus on "you and only you." Humans aren't designed that way. Thousands of years of evolution taught us to be promiscuous. Different things are responsible for the advent of "partnerships," "marriage," and "families" as widespread practices of our species (agriculture, religion, war), but these practices, along with the institutions that reinforce them, ignore -- and shame -- our most basic biology.
Long story short: Despite your best attempt to notice him and only him, you will at some point notice other guys and want to see them naked.
When this happens, it is best to talk to your boyfriend about it. Tell your boyfriend that you think the burly guy at the bar wearing a beanie and septum ring is hot. You can safely predict that your boyfriend will immediately start analyzing himself in respect to said burly, beanie-wearing guy. "Am I as hot as he is? Should I get my septum pierced?"
While this might lead to some uncomfortable feelings, open communication is always better than its opposite, which in this case would be pretending that you do not notice anyone other than your loving partner.
When you have hashed through these feelings as a couple and talked out your jealousies and desires, it is time to get a joint account on a hookup profile or perhaps customize your individual accounts to state clearly that you are in a relationship with each other.
Scruff in particular allows you to link your profile with your partner's, meaning that guys interested in you can click through to your partner's account.
2. “I’ve always wanted to try DP.”
I'm serious -- saying this got one got one of my exes to welcome a third into our playtime, quite out of necessity.
In case you haven't browsed a gay porn website recently, DP -- or "double penetration" -- is when two tops insert both of their cocks into a bottom's hole. It's admittedly hard to do, especially if you have never done it before. There a few different positons you can do DP in, but we won't go into them here -- that's what PornHub is for. All of them obviously require three guys, which means that if you want to try DP with your boyfriend, it means an automatic threesome.
This was how I introduced the concept of threesomes to one of my college boyfriends. We were monogamous, we were young, and he was very resistant to the idea of letting others into our intimacy. But he liked the idea of exploring a new sex practice together, particularly one I had never done before (this was actually a lie -- I had taken two before), and he welcomed in a third on the condition that it would be for one particular sex act and one sex act only.
The rest is history.
3. “When are we going to discuss our parameters?”
This is a more direct approach, and an intelligent one. Saying this tells him that your relationship parameters -- your boundaries -- are something that need to be discussed and not assumed. It implies that such a conversation is necessary -- because it is.
It will be a tense conversation, and like all vital conversations in the course of a relationship, it will require absolute honesty on your part. If you want to be able to play with others at some point, say so. If you want to eventually work up to nonmonogamy or even perhaps an open relationship, say so. State your long-term goals and short-term goals, but with the understanding and admittance that these goals might change as your relationship progresses.
Above all else, go out of your way to make it clear to him that he is your number 1.
In all relationships, it is important to let the person you're with know they are valued above the rest -- that they are special and prized in your eyes. This becomes doubly important in nonmonogamous, open, and semi-open relationships -- and in currently monogamous relationships with nonmonogamous goals. In nonmonogamy, the concepts of exclusivity and even intimacy may seem vague or fluid, and this can upset some people and can make the guy you're with feel unimportant. Remind him often that you love him first.
If your long-term goal is to eventually be in a nonmonogamous relationship -- however you may define one -- you must take time during this conversation to remind him that this goal is something you are pursuing together.
4. Watch Looking together.
I know, I know, it was the show that disappointed everyone. Everyone was either disappointed in the show itself or disappointed that it ended so soon, after only two seasons. You either loved it or hated it -- there was no middle ground. One thing we can all agree upon, though, is that Looking captured gay life in its modern state more realistically than anything we've seen in the last several years.
The premier episode featured a threesome between the couple Augustin and Frank and a sexy third, Scotty. This later led to a rather interesting storyline between the couple -- watch the show for more. When you put down the remote, break the awkward silence with "So how do you feel about threesomes?"
5. The sandwich move.
Any gay man who has ever gone to a gay circuit party or dance club knows that navigating the terrain of body cues, nonverbal communication, and subtle cruising is an art form in itself. Put your relationship with your newish boyfriend into that mix and you have a whole new set of signals to read.
I firmly believe that dancing in a sea of gay men is one of the best experiences a homo can have, and doing so with your boyfriend can be intensely romantic and erotic, particularly once you get those early jealousies out of the way. People will always get jealous, particularly in relationships, and jealousy shouldn't be feared. You want your boyfriend to get jealous, and you want yourself to get jealous. The trick to navigating jealousy is to communicate through it, talk about it, acknowledge it, understand it, and work through it as a couple to the point that you can enjoy circuit parties and those seas of dancing, horny gay men without a problem.
Which brings me to the "sandwich move." The sandwich move is when you're dancing with your boyfriend and there's a guy dancing in your immediate vicinity who is really fucking hot and looking you up and down -- he's interested, he's game. You take the upper hand and gradually start to move you and your partner around him, sandwiching him between you two, at which point you both will grind and grope freely -- a dancing floor threesome. (As you can guess, the sandwich move often leads to taking the guy home.)
The first time you do a sandwich move will be tricky, because your boyfriend may not be prepared for it or might misinterpret it, which means it will be your job to communicate (typically wordlessly if you are in a loud club) with him with your eyes and your body. Get nods of approval before moving in, and be on the lookout if he's not reading what you are trying to do, or worse, misreading it as an attempt to dance with someone else and leave him solo.
6. Ask.
I know many couples who never take the time in the early days of their relationship to sit down and discuss their boundaries or parameters. It's risky not to, in my opinion, but I know quite a few men who simply aren't going to do that. They do not like sitting down to have serious talks, and miraculously they make relationships work without doing so.
If you're that kind of guy, you might have to be blunt in the moment -- and ask. When you're at a bar with your boyfriend and there's a guy sitting next to you that you're talking to and clicking with, turn to your boyfriend and say, "Hey, this guy's cute. Can we take him home?"
Without any prior discussion beforehand, his answer will either be yes or no. He might also have a lot of feelings about the situation and about you asking, that simply cannot be communicated in a bar. But if your guy is like you, averse to serious discussions and game for adventure, he might say yes -- and that's that. Have a fun night!
7. Tell.
All men are different, and some guys can get by with simply saying "I do threesomes" or "We're going to take this guy home. You don't have to participate, but it would be cool if you did." Not a question, not even a suggestion -- a simply stating of a fact.
I like guys who know what they want and state it outright, but I think there is significant risk in a relationship context with simply telling your boyfriend that you're going to have a threesome and hook up with a third. But some guys -- typically the ones who are more dominant in bed and who may date guys who enjoy handing over control of what happens in the bedroom -- get by with doing so. I must caution that if you simply tell, not ask, he might not be into the idea or into the guy -- and he may leave. This is the singular most important fact for anyone and everyone to remember in the dating world: You are always free to go; no one has to stay.
8. “We should meet up with Andre, Brent, and Will. I’m sure they know a lot about threesomes.”
Chances are that if you're an out gay man living in an out gay man's world, you know at least one triad, "throuple," or three-guy relationship. If you're interested in breaking open your relationship enough for threesomes but are skeptical of anything beyond sex -- three-way dating is not something you are interested in -- talk with your triad friends.
Plan a dinner date between all five of you with the clear intention (communicated beforehand) of asking your triad buddies how they came together. Many triads -- including all the ones I know -- started off as couples that met and played with someone and gradually, mutually fell for him.
Ask them about their process of letting third-party playmates in when they were still a two-person couple. Ask questions: How did they navigate the boundary between sex and affection? In the beginning, were threesomes with one-timers OK, but repeat partners a no-go?
Chances are that they will tell you the same thing I'm telling you now: They communicated openly and honestly, expressed their desires, accepted the desires of each other, and went through the process with a vast array of tense moments and surprised moments and happy moments -- the moments that make up all relationships.
Enjoying threesomes with your boyfriend does not always lead to a triad relationship -- in fact, the vast majority of couples who play together with occasional thirds never go on to have three-way relationships. A triad is a whole different ball game and a far cry from being a couple who occasionally hook up with a third.
9. “Jason, one of my old fuck buddies, told me he thinks you’re hot.”
Be careful when choosing a third from your list of previous playmates.
I know many couples whose third-party playmates are previous fuck buddies and even previous boyfriends. I applaud these couples, because their communication skills must be strong.
As a guy who simply cannot do monogamy, I have found that the most frustrating part of being a couple that plays together are the unavoidable situations when a guy is only interested in one of you and not the other.
When you play with previous BFs or FBs, this problem becomes kind of obvious. Your former playmate is likely to be more into your than your beau. But this problem also can occur with onetime Grindr hookups and guys with whom neither of you have any history.
This aspect of threesomes is something that will come up, so be prepared for it. It will introduce a whole new kind of jealousy and a different kind of tension. You might find yourself suddenly wondering why nobody ever seems to be interested in you and everyone is interested in him, or you might find yourself having to turn down and refuse interested thirds because it is clear he is only interested in you, and you know your boyfriend would be hurt.
While monogamy is totally absurd and unrealistic to me, I will admit that good threesomes are hard to come by. A good threesome is when the guy is interested in both of you equally.
10. “What would you do with another top/bottom?”
That "I've always wanted to try DP" line worked because I am a bottom and my boyfriend at the time was a top who got off on using me with another top. Our threesomes consisted of two tops banging one bottom (me).
Other relationships did not work out so well. My most recent ex was also a total top and more dominant than anyone I have dated. But for some reason we could never find another top who wanted to spit-roast me (a dick in the mouth and a dick in the butt) or even a versatile guy who could both fuck me and take a pounding from him.
Every threesome we had was with guys who claimed they were versatile, but when playtime came, I was always lying there twiddling my thumbs while some guy got fucked hard by my boyfriend. The thirds we took home were consistently dissatisfying to me and to our relationship, and eventually became the source of arguments.
The difference between the two? In the first relationship, we knew what we were looking for. My boyfriend knew he wanted to see me get fucked (and I obviously wanted to get fucked) and we communicated this pre-established objective to interested parties.
If you and your boyfriend have become comfortable with the idea of threesomes, discuss with him what what you are ideally looking for. Playing together means you will inevitably be dissatisfied at some point with the guys you take home, but if you are looking for a third to satisfy a certain fantasy or perform a certain sex act, good threesomes might happen more easily because a clear goal is communicated.
11. “I have really strong feelings for you and I am interested in having something with you, but we both play for the same team. So…threesomes?”
Sometimes you fall for a guy who happens to enjoy the same sex role as you do. In the age of Grindr and Scruff, this happens less frequently, since we live in an age when one's sex role is either clearly displayed on their profile or one of the first things communicated, and for many gay men, this is an automatic deal-breaker.
But sometimes you meet a guy at a bar or on the subway or behind the register of your favorite clothing store that you really click with, and you two get coffee and talk for hours, and you fall for him the way people used to fall for each other. Suddenly you realize that you are scared of asking that fated question -- "What are you into?" -- because you like him.
Your heart might sink a little when he says he's interested in the same thing you are, but I must stress that there are few things more valuable in life than friends and people you connect with romantically, so do not immediately discard guys who play for the same team you do. I know a few long-term gay couples who both bend to bottom or top, and their relationships are solid -- and nonmonogamous.
The "threesome talk" happens early and automatically for these couples. I have heard several tops say their LTRs with other tops are some of the best they've had -- they simply hook up with bottom fuck buds whenever they want to get off.
I've heard a few bottoms say their relationships with other bottom guys are some of the most romantic and powerful they've had. People are more than their sex role -- a fact that gay men should remind themselves of more often -- and threesomes can be a healthy feature of a stable long-term relationship.
12. “Any kinks?”
Threesomes and all forms of group sex can be kinks for some people. Some guys fetishize the idea of three people in the same way others fetishize the presence of very large groups (gang bangs, sex parties) or particular kinky setups and role-play scenarios that require more than two people.
Some interrogation scenes work well with multiple people, and many submissive guys love the idea of being dominated and shared by two dominants (myself included). I know quite a few Sirs who love dominating two subs at the same time. If you're a kinky couple, threesomes might not seem that outlandish.
Then again, they might. It is one thing to get kinky with your boyfriend. It is another thing to get kinky with your boyfriend and someone else. Jealousy and the boundaries of intimacy still apply here, on top of safe words and aftercare and all the stuff involved in kink play. Navigate with caution and care.
In the early days of your relationship, when you are still figuring each other out and talking about the things that turn you both on, tell him you are interested in threesomes, even if only as an idea that you think is hot, not something you have to do with him immediately or even as a practice that you wan to work up to as a couple. It is enough to simply say "I like threesomes" or even "I like the idea of threesomes" without saying they are something you want to do together, now or ever.
When I am getting to know a guy, I always try to talk about my sexual bucket list, preferably as early on as possible. My sexual bucket list includes some more extreme activities -- getting fisted in a Berlin darkroom, hours of anonymous sex at the Saint at Large (Black Party NYC) -- and while most things on it I have already done (for me, a desire does not stay unmet for long), I want the guys I like to know that I can want them and want to satisfy these desires synonymously. I want him to know that if he stays with me for the long run, at some point he will either be fulfilling these fantasies with me or waiting in the hotel room.
If threesomes are on your list, tell him. They might be on his list too.
