Official Book Club Selection

Kathy Griffin is a genius, no question. Through sheer will, shamelessness, and a stomach cramp-inducing sense of humor (if you've never seen her perform live, you have no idea what this woman is capable of), she essentially self-promoted her way from being Brooke Shields's dowdy sitcom sidekick to a larger-than-life comedy and gay icon. Most recently, she proved herself worthy of the title "The New Queen of Mean" as she hosted Comedy Central's Joan Rivers roast and let the world know that the thin and crispy older comedy pioneer has an official heiress apparent. At the roast, Joan lamented that Kathy "stole my gays."

So yeah, it was a really great episode to work on. I got to meet interesting people and I got to hear answers I didn't like...and then you kind of go forward from there. I watched it along with everyone else -- I didn't see a rough-cut episode -- and I heard from [Matthew Shepard's mother] Judy Shepard.

My only regret is that I would have liked Matthew Shepard to have been featured a little bit more in the episode, because even though you could say there's not really a connection between Matthew Shepard and gay marriage, I still think that gay marriage being illegal in California [is] absolutely discrimination, [and] I don't think it's that big of a jump to say that people who think that gay people shouldn't have the same civil rights are a couple of clicks away from people who think that it would be OK to treat a gay person differently.

Well, I wasn't going to get into this, but just on a personal note...
I know! I feel like I should get to the funny stuff...

I have a friend who married another man in a church in Atlanta...
Well, now, that's a niche market.

[Laughs] Yeah, well, of course, although he could get married in a church in Georgia, he can't get married legally, and he was moved to tears by the Prop. 8 episode. I think a lot of people were blindsided by "Norma Gay," to see your consistently hilarious show delve into serious subject matter in such an effective way. And since you brought up Judy Shepard...did you know her book is coming out within days of yours?
No, but I'm going to get it! I admire her so much. She's a warrior. One thing that really, really shocked me and I was determined to change was that, when I asked the LGBT Learning Center about Matthew Shepard, and not one of those kids had ever heard of him, or had even heard his name, I was on a mission. I was like, yeah, I know it's the Prop. 8 episode and I know it's about gay marriage, but you know what? I think that these kids are going to identify more with [Shepard]. So I was very glad that we could include Matthew in the episode. I would have liked to include him a little more. There was one version where Judy's foundation actually gave us the clip package that we put on the show. Someone Twittered me -- or, as I say, twatted me -- about it asking where they can see that Matthew Shepard clip package. I'm pretty sure that it's on YouTube.

So is Official Book Club Selection more of a serious memoir or a humor book?
It truly is both. It definitely has some serious moments, and I absolutely peppered it with as many jokes as I could fit in. It is not a straight-up humor book, and it's also not a really, really serious "I-was-abused-as-a-child" book, but it definitely has both of those elements.

Hopefully you'll get a good chuckle out of it. But there are a few bombs in there. There are some things that I've never revealed before. Which is funny because people say, "My God, you talk about your life and your acting, you've got this reality show, there are cameras in your house -- how can there possibly be anything we don't already know?" And I've been saying, "Well, you know, someday I'm going to write a book." And it's out September 8.

Can we get an exclusive on something really juicy from the book?
Oh God, I'll tell you one thing that's in there! It's so horrific that I had to put it in there. All right, so, I had a lot of liposuction in two thousand and...fuck! I can't even remember. But I decided to -- oh, this is so disgusting -- I've printed in the book four of my post-op plastic surgery pictures. They're from the neck down and they are horrible. They are absolutely horrifying. It's like the most bruised, horrible, you know, beyond-Rihanna thing you've ever seen in your life. They're so heinous that I thought that, You know what, they're so horrible that now it's funny to me. So I put them in the book.

You know Barbara Walters is going to sink her teeth into that. You know Barbara's going to give me shit about it, but I just couldn't resist. I used to actually show [the photos] in my act. When I used to do shows at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center, I used to talk about my liposuction, which, by the way, was botched, and I used to show the pictures and the poor gays were hurling in the aisles. I guarantee you have never seen pictures like this. Except for, like, crime scene photos. They're disgusting.

But you made it through. Are you glad you did it?
No! First of all, the lipo for me was a complete waste. I didn't realize that there was a thing called diet and exercise that works better. I actually thought that I could go to a plastic surgeon and come out looking like Jennifer Aniston. But it didn't go my way.

Something is working for you. I have a friend who is 24 and when I told her I was going to be talking with you, all she could talk about was finding out how you got your awesome body.
Oh yeah, I have a bangin' bikini bod. Which Paris Hilton, my BFF, revealed to me. 'Cause Paris got me in a bikini for the first time in like fucking 10 years, and then when the paparazzi took our pictures -- because, golly gosh, I wonder who called them? -- next thing you know, I'm pretty much splitting my time between gay activism and bikini modeling. I'm being tugged in both directions.

I'm only doing one of those things, fortunately for the rest of the world.
I assume it's bikini modeling!

Yes, exactly.
I feel your pain.

[Laughs] Any hot lesbian action in your book?
I would love to have a hot lesbian relationship, but, I'm gonna be honest, I would probably be doing it for the publicity. Currently, I think the best person I could have a lesbian relationship with would be Kate Gosselin from Jon & Kate Plus 8. Because I think that would get us on the cover of Us Weekly faster than anything.

She kind of has that look going on. Suze Orman hair.
Yeah, exactly, she already has the lesbian haircut. I could get a matching haircut and I would be happy to go down on her and then, accidentally, the paparazzi are there!

Some pictures for your next book?
Yeah! If not, I think maybe a lesbian one-nighter with Dina Lohan could be a good photo op.

That would be...brave.
Exactly. It would be One Night in Heaven in Long Island.

You are a guerrilla marketing genius.
[Laughs]

But you have to admit that you're now on the A-list. Where do you have to go from here? Do you really need to go down on Kate Gosselin to get a headline?
OK, first of all, let me tell you that I'm flattered that you think I'm on the A-list, but I'm going to prove you wrong right now. Just when I was having a moment that I felt like I was on the A-list because -- you should know -- I am nominated for not one but two Teen Choice Awards. That's right, two Teen Choice Awards. And I was feeling very young and hip and, Oh my gosh, I'm going to run into Miley at the Teen Choice Awards and I'm going to see the Jonas Brothers and Oh! They're my people! And then I get a call and it turns out that my two categories that are nominated -- Choice Comedian and Choice TV (Reality) -- are in the non-televised version of the Teen Choice Awards.

Who the fuck knew that there were non-televised awards at the Teen Choice Awards? What the point of that would be, I have no idea. I don't even know what website would benefit from the non-televised part of the Teen Choice Awards. So now I have had to bite and scratch to get two tickets to go to the Teen Choice Awards -- 'cause I already picked out the outfit, which means I'm going, and I have just been told by them that I'm not even invited by them to attend the ceremony.

What!
Yeah. So I am absolutely on the D-list.

How can you be nominated and not allowed to go?
Yeah, well, that's the Teen Choice Awards -- or as I like to call them, the Schmeen Schmoice Awards. It's just life slappin' me in the face one more time. Just reiterating that I am on the D-list.

Oh, whatever, the Teen Choice Awards don't matter. Who cares? You have Emmys.
[Laughs] Screw you, Miley! I'm gonna be there and I'm gonna be in the front-fucking-row.

You had better!
You bet I will.

You'll make it onstage one way or another?
Yeah, I want one of those giant surfboards so it can sit in my garage for the rest of my life.

Maybe you could mount a giant Jesus on it...
Exactly, then everybody can suck it! You know, if you can get through a gay wedding in a church in Atlanta, there's nothing you can't handle.