Now I Wanna Be
Your Dog

I don't have a recapper's ensemble to share with you this week because Los Angeles is in the middle of a brutal heat wave and I'm so ecologically conscious that I don't have air conditioning. This equals me writing in my underwear. The same ones I told you about last week. If you're dying to know what they are go back and read that recap.

I didn't ditch my weekly fashion opinions though. Thoughts don't make me sweat any more than I already do. Here's what I like this week:

1. We Are The Superlative Conspiracy. It's a label. Awesome basics. It's American Apparel-ish without the sexual harassment. They got stores in big cities. Most of their stuff doesn't fit me. But I'm going to lobby for fat sizes.

2. Dutch designer Frank Tjepkema made a medallion out of a zillion corporate logos. It's called the "Bling Bling" and it's incredible. Now you can see it and buy it at www.tjep.com.

3. I dig Lily Pulitzer. Everyone who wears it is happy and has money falling out of their pockets. If you follow them you can just scoop it up off the ground. Then you go buy your own Lily Pulitzer outfit and keep the wealth flowing.

The commercial for this episode, the commercial that's running right before it reminding you to watch, has the line "Who will be Auf'd next?" I like that.

This week I watch with a group. Of gays. Loud gays. Loud gays eating cupcakes. Loud gays who support me for breaking up with Jeffrey Christ. But who don't still have the love for his freaked-out clothes. I'm alone in that love. And it has nothing to do with his neck. They also hate Corky (Vincent) for me too. One of them calls him "Jeff Conaway," which is mean to poor Jeff Conaway, whose only crime was not following through on his Grease heat.

The show begins and everyone is waking up to another glorious Atlas New York morning. Kayne The Flaming Lisp is seen perfecting his Playgirl centerfold pose. It's demure, though, sheet pulled up over his nipples like Sarah Jessica Parker always did on Sex and the City.

Next thing you see is Heidi in a very excellent plaid blouse hinting at what their next challenge will be: designing an outfit around one of fashion's hottest accessories. So it's either going to be baby clothes, jewelry to accentuate a smug, satisfied sneer or a tiny outfit for your finger as it goes down your throat.

One more model gets shown the door in what continues to be Runway's least compelling other competition, the not-very-exciting model race to the finish. Seriously, these are women who are already employed. Getting out of wearing some piece of crap on national television doesn't seem like punishment to me. When Malan's model--who didn't even walk last week--gets booted she barely seems to care. It's like, "Yeah, whatever, my agency's got me booked for tomorrow already anyway."So va-va-voom-walker Katia stays put. At least she gets to wear Kayne's not-awful clothes as reward.

Michael Knight With No Talking Car is talking. But here's the problem with that. They've not given him any personality yet. Or maybe he doesn't have one. It's still too early to know. But for now every not-interesting word he does say just evaporates as soon as it leaves his mouth. Maybe it's a trick you learn when you grow up in the ATL.

And now--thanks editors!--it's already the next morning. We're all waking up again in our beautiful Atlas New York suites, having spent yesterday waiting around for Heidi, I guess. They've been given directions to Central Park. Laura Glamour Mom goes full-tilt Murder, She Wrote and says, "It's horses." The accessory, fashion's hottest accessory, is the horse. Of course--of course it is, Laura. Why simply everyone is horseback riding these days. You can't walk outside your apartment door without stepping in their dung. In fact, I keep my horse inside my apartment.

They file out of Atlas and who's wearing riding pants and jodhpurs? Laura. She just happened to have those in her suitcase. You never know when spontaneous equestrian frolicking will spring itself upon you. A woman needs to be prepared. And she is.

In Central Park they meet Tim Gunn, who's attached to multiple leashes, each one bearing a tiny little dog. So settle in and get ready for an hour of adorable little doggies doing those cocked-head reaction shots. And you'd think that Tim walked over the knoll with 13 fire-breathing monsters of the apocalypse for the reaction quotes it inspires in the designers:

Kayne The Flaming Lisp: "I was just like 'Oh my God, am I watching this?'"

Jeffrey Christ: "It was unbelievable to see Tim with all those dogs!"

Holy shit, it's dogs! Everyone go nuts! Dogs! Can you EVEN BELIEVE IT?! IT'S DOGS!!

Everyone has to pick a dog to work with. Laura makes a face. She hates dogs. She already has five filthy children at home. She doesn't want a dog. I can respect that. And I also think she wishes that Misty of Chincoteague is still waiting for her somewhere over that knoll. She wore her jodhpurs for nothing and now she's mad.

I have to interrupt this right now to talk about how fashion cannibalizes itself. Jean-Paul Gaultier already did the dressing up women like dogs thing early this year when the fall collections showed. Just wanted to say that Project Runway didn't invent this. Go look it up.

Uli, Heidi's German Pet, picks up a pug. She's going to lose this challenge because pugs are very 2004. I know this to be a fact; Keith Michael Who Is Such A Pain That Tim Gunn Is No Longer Going to Fight Michael Kors Over Him And Besides Michael Kors is Missing Again Anyway picks a dog, breed unknown to me, that looks skinny and stuck up. Like Keith Michael; Alison Supernicesupercute is so super nice and super cute that she willingly trades dogs with Bradley, taking his poodle in return for a scruffy little mutt that looks exactly like Bradley; and Laura takes the Mr. Winkle-ish dog because no one else wanted it. She puts it in a bag so she won't have to touch it. I would do the same thing. Dogs eat their own poop. You want that kissing you on the lips?

The designers are encouraged to think narratively about their dog, to include their dog in a story about their outfit and their model. This is the sort of stupid that Angela the Yves Saint Laurent Copier eats up with a big spoon. She immediately begins constructing a narrative about a British headmistress of a French art camp. The camp is named Jubilee Jumbles.

Yes, she said that the camp is named Jubilee Jumbles. I blipped my TiVo back about five times because I had to wrap my mind around the Jean Teasdale-ness of that one. Meanwhile Angela's dog is my favorite of the batch because it looks like a very small Chewbacca.

Keith Michael is upset. He thinks designing for a dog is stupid. And he's right. It is. Cut to Robert Gay Arms wrestling with his dog because it won't pose for a picture. And the dog seems to be winning. Those triceps aren't helping you now, are they? Cut to Corky putting something on his dog's head. Someone find that man a tiny wicker basket so he can get started. Michael Knight's dog sleeps while he sketches. That settles it. Even dogs are bored by him.

Time to shop at Mood. Kayne goes on and on about the "gorrrrgeous Missoni print" he's found. Now, I don't know everything about how the fabric world does its business. In fact I know nothing. But here's what I do know: I've never seen a real Missoni anything that looks like this print, nice though it may be. And furthermore, it seems to me that a major design house like Missoni wouldn't just be throwing bolts of fabric around for public consumption so that people in Norman, Oklahoma, can make their own Missoni dresses from a Butterick pattern. Laura sees Kayne's and Robert's fabrics and gets back on her imaginary horse, a very high one. She says, "Mine's so tasteful compared to you guys." Robert responds with, "Oh Laura, always mistaking taste and style." Good one, Gay Arms.

Back in the workroom, Corky is very busy loving his own genius. "When I get goin' I don't stop!" he cackles. And cackles. And cackles. Jeffrey Christ is at his table, egging him on, laughing at him instead of with him.

Sewing, sewing, sewing...

Tomorrow is Bradley's birthday. And Bradley's having trouble with his garment. Meaning that he's scrapped it and is starting over. Jeffrey needlessly adds, "What if Bradley goes home on his birthday? That's all I'm saying." You leave that nice Bradley alone, Jeffrey H. Christ. Keith Michael worries for Bradley: "If he had just gone with his vision it still couldn't be any worse than what Angela did." Again, he's right. Why am I agreeing with this douchebag so much this week?

Then Laura badmouths Keith, saying he's becoming mean to people. Keith, in turn, calls Laura "the bad mommy." Bradley doesn't want to get involved. He just wants to turn on, tune out, listen to freak-folk, maybe hit the bong and finish his blouse.

Time for Tim Gunn Inspection:

Katherine has made a boringly basic green dress. Tim's concerned. "I could whip up a little hoodie or shrug for it," she says. That's my snowboarding lady. Go straight for the hoodie. "Katherine," Tim says. "Do it."

Keith Michael is shown lolling around vertically and petulantly as Tim praises his dress. "It's beautiful and innovative," says Tim. This clearly makes Keith Michael upset. Why didn't Tim tell him he was the greatest genius of fashion design ever in the history of ready-to-wear? Why? How dare he not lick Keith's butt every time he walks past. Keith sighs and rolls his eyes. He's too good for this dumb world.

We finally see Angela's insane garment of shiny vest and puffy balloon skirt. When Tim sees Angela's insane garment of shiny vest and puffy ballon skirt, with its collection of fugly rosettes pinned all over it, he sneers in a concerned way. I have never seen a concerned sneer before but I think Tim Gunn just invented it. He gently calls the outfit "over the top." Then he calls Gloria Estefan, Judy Tenuta and all of the Fantanas in for a fitting.

More concern when Tim gets to Bradley. "I don't get it," he says. "That top's gotta be redone." But midnight arrives and Bradley is stuck roaming around in the gadda-da-vida of his own mind, top not redone yet. He's thinking he might forfeit. Thinking of simply making something out of hemp. Thinking about firing his dealer.It's the next morning and Katherine is seen curling her eyelashes. She opens her medicine cabinet and returns the eyelash curler to its shelf. Inside the cabinet is what appears to be a lone cigarette and nothing else. Katherine's morning routine is to curl her lashes and go.

They meet the models and bring them to the L'Oreal Paris makeup room and the Tresemme hair salon, where Robert Gay Arms tells the stylist that he wants an On a Clear Day You Can See Forever-bob on his model's head.

Whoa, Gay Arms!

It's a fag-off!

Here's your chance to decide. What's faggotty-er? Please check one of the following:

• Lance Bass coming out of the closet.
• Falcon video pack # 69.
• That sentence.

Answers next week...

So the models are in their outfits and the dogs are being fitted and Keith Michael announces that "my model and my dog are stunning winners. I'm an excellent designer." Look, Keith Michael, you'll never be as rad as Malan, so stop trying to cozy up to me with your newfound villainy. Does biting his rhyme taste good?

Cut to a commercial where you get to pick who has the cutest dog, all for a 99-cent text vote. My partner starts dialing but I stop him. I ain't about to waste a dollar voting in a cute doggie contest. I always have to play bad cop in this relationship.

And finally the outfits. Vera Wang is back to fill in for Michael Kors. WHERE IS MICHAEL KORS? Nina Garcia is here, thank God. And so is Ivanka Trump. What is up with all this Trump bullshit lately? Seriously, stop crapping all over this show, Trumps!

1. Kayne the Flaming Lisp takes last season's My Scene Barbie challenge to heart and sends his Katia hip-shaking down the boards as a flamboyant chica. Nina digs it.

2. Uli, Heidi's German Pet, takes a serious risk with print-mixing, a clash of animal spots and swirly spirals that works perfectly.

3. Robert Gay Arms turns back the clock for an idea he must have picked up along the way when he worked for Isaac Mizrahi. Or one he came up with that Isaac discarded in a Helen Lawson fit of threatened envy. It's a pink Jackie Kennedy/cute top day for him.

4. Alison Supernicesupercute destroys the competition with her model's poodle hair and sophisticated outfit, all shiny and white and blasting off into the future.

5. Bradley of The Cool Sketches sends down his last minute creation, a seriously rad top that balloons out in weird places.

6. Keith Michael, Malan's Cut-Rate Heir, has created a gorgeous red dress with a just-home-from-the-veterinarian collar. But his dog is essentially nude. Nina glares at Nude Dog. Keith Michael glares back at Nina. I fantasize about the dog taking a dump on the runway and then leaping off the stage to go hump Ivanka Trump's leg.

7. Where is Bonnie's dress? Why does the camera show it for less than one second? Which one is Bonnie again?

8. Katherine's boring green outfit makes the judges think about how H&M is ruining everything they've worked so hard for.

9. Michael Knight With No Talking Car just shuts up and does the work, making a booty-enhancing brown thing with criss-crossy boob action. Nina is down with the ATL this week.

10. Corky, continuing his time-warped trip to fashion oblivion, sends out something he must have designed for the Slaves of New York collection for Bloomingdales in 1988. It's a black mini-dress over black tights cut below the knee. His narrative, I'm assuming, is about the woman who can't think of what to wear to Andy Warhol's funeral. So she just throws something on. Takes the dog. Puts a hat on it. The dog tries to rub the hat off its head. Smart dog.

11. Laura Glamour Mom is all about the fur trim. She was all about the fur trim in the first episode, too. Is she already out of ideas?

12. Angela feels proud of her barfy, derivative outfit. The skirt is particularly hideous. So it's true. Bradley can shit something out in five minutes that looks better than anything she does.

13. Jeffrey Christ makes another cool patchwork of weirdness. We're still broken up though, so that's all I care to say about it.

Judging Time.

Safe = Kayne, Jeffrey, Laura, Michael, Bonnie, Robert and Corky. Obviously they've got something planned for Corky. There's no other excuse for this.

Winner = Uli, who says in her best ESL, "I created an outfit for young hip girl who is not afraid of color. She likes party. Actually she want partying last night and she got up at 12 o'clock and now she's meeting her fabulous girlfriends and they gonna go to lunch and then they gonna go shopping for more fabulous clothes."

Ivanka responds, "I like your story. It just works for me." Of course it works for you, Ivanka Trump. It's your life.

They love Keith Michael's dress but they attack him for not dressing the dog. Keith Michael attacks back, claiming that he made a sash for the dog's neck. This makes Heidi come down to inspect the dog collar-a bracelet, by the way, taken from the Macy's Accessories Wall I'm sure, and augmented with a little bit of fabric. Heidi is pissed.

They love Bradley's top--Nina calls it "daring"--but Bradley's dog won't stop yapping. Heidi gives the dog a sex-bombish, vampy, "You're being such a bad boy" scolding, one that she sounds so comfortable delivering that you'd be forgiven for thinking she says this to Seal on a regular basis. And oh, hey, I have a Seal Being Bad story. A friend once tried to get into a Los Angeles-area parking lot that was blocked by some jerk's SUV. There were no parking spaces in the place so this person just decided to parked their very important SUV in the entrance, making it impossible for other cars to get in or out of the lot. And then out of Starbucks walks Seal, gets into the SUV, blows a kiss from a rose to the people all honking their horns, and drives away.

Now back to the show.

They all rag on Angela about her narrative (the one about the headmistress of the French art camp) and her outfit. Especially Heidi, who says, "That's a hot mama to work with children!" Because no one who has young children near them gets to be a hot mama except Heidi. Then she says, "That skirt is supershort. Belly out, boobies out, dayum!"

Yes, she says, "Damn!" like "Dah-yum!" Like she's E-40.

Nina hates, hates, hates Angela's outfit. The hate of a thousand burning suns. The hate that renders her speechless. The judges agree that they all question Angela's taste. Right before telling Katherine that she's the one who's out. Because you can be outrageously bad but that's still better than being dull and making Heidi say, "Blah" about the dress you made.

So Uli's was great, but Alison got robbed and Keith ends the episode with this: "I didn't win. That doesn't make any sense. There wasn't any good execution on the stage except for mine."

I hear that someone gets kicked off next week for breaking some rules. I hope it's not Keith Michael because I want to see him get into a slap-fight with Heidi or Nina. And then with himself.