Dear Diana Ross (and by extension all fans of Diana Ross who hate me after the mean things I wrote about her last week in this very recap),
I have been schooled by an angry letter-writer, and now I appreciate your status as a fashion icon. This gay called me an "idiot" (and it's sometimes true, like right now), and he taught me that you inspired that hack Tom Ford and also many other people with your personal style. Also you designed your own outfits for the movie Mahogany. I saw that movie, and the clothes you wore in it were insane. If I had known those out-of-control getups had come from your brain, I would have never disrespected it for even one second. So my apologies for being so dumb. I promise to be smart in the future.
Love, Dave White
P.S. I'm also sorry for implying that you might have killed Florence Ballard with your bare hands in a heated grudge match. You did not. I'll go to hell now for my words, and I hope that hell does not include having to listen to your cover of "Why Do Fools Fall in Love."
Now let's all get along and live in peace.
We begin with Michael Knight With No Talking Car being excited by last week's win. Then he brushes his incredibly short hair. The hair on his head is so short, you wonder what it is that needs brushing. But whatever, he looks impeccable after brushing it and his little almost-mustache and goatee. As he and Robert Gay Arms exit the door of their Atlas New York digs, Robert says, "We're the last representatives of 16E." Robert is wearing those awful 3/4-length pants that no one looks good in and that, seriously, dude, cut off your legs to make you look stumpy. Do you know what Trinny and Susannah of the awesome BBC America show What Not To Wear say about pants like that? They say not to wear them. Ever. But I guess you're always tall next to Barbie.
Cut to Corky [Vincent] howling, "Bradley's gone! My boy is gone!" This is a backstory I want to know nothing about. I also want to know nothing about that sleeveless T-shirt you've got on, man. Seriously, why do fashion designers always seem to be the craziest, worst-dressed people on earth? Except Laura, who is always dressed for dinner with the Upsons of Montebank. Then Corky lays down his philosophy of fashion: "In-oh-vay-shun!... I just don't get it." Now that I believe.
Cut to a shot of Jeffrey with a glazed-over "shut up, Corky, shut up, shut up" look on his face. To the left of Jeffrey's head on a shelf is the exact same woven basket that Corky used to make a hat early on in the season. Or maybe just its twin. Either way I'm convinced that that basket is Corky's protective talisman and will attack and devour Jeffrey in his sleep if it hears him dissing its master. Jeffrey knows this and can now only communicate his true feelings about Corky with beleaguered facial expressions. The basket cannot see these. Corky continues, "I did cash in my 401K and quit a job to do Project Runway. This is the riskiest thing that I've done to date." Implicit in this statement is that there will be other riskier moves made in the future. "I have the talent and the construction ability to make really good dresses," he says, even though he has, for reasons only the Basket knows, clearly chosen to do otherwise on this show.
They sit by the runway and Heidi swoops out in a maniac getup of dark teal and black dress over boots that make the expression "thigh high" seem inadequate. I think they end somewhere just under her breasts. I approve of all of this. Michael picks the same model as last time, and the other model is out. Sure, whatever. The drill sergeant of outer-space boots makes sense when she tells the designers that they've had it easy until right now. Life is about to get harder than ever. I hope they're going to Lebanon.
Cut to Tim Gunn knocking on Michael's door at 5 a.m. I can't believe they're going to show this booty call on camera. Michael looks confused and maybe scared, like, Oh, shit, now I'm kicked off for some rule violation. I don't have any books.
Cut to the ladies. Laura Glamour Mom is wearing the jodhpurs and boots again. I couldn't be happier to see this. Alison Supernice Supercute goofs on Laura: "It's a good thing you have on your riding outfit in case it's horses." Oh, please, let it be horses. Doesn't Laura deserve horses? I think she does. Can I text-vote to Heidi and request this?
Cue weird knockoff almost-cover of Alabama 3's theme song for The Sopranos as they all get in a van and take a ride into New Jersey. Alison says she's humming it to herself as well. Laura is offended she has to be there. The van stops at a warehouse that turns out to be Waste Management Recycle America. They're going to make clothes out of trash. Jeffrey Christ is finally going to win a challenge.
Corky says, "I'm going to make art." Uh-huh.
Cut to Michael being a human beat box. And...uh...Laura making spazzy arm gestures that in her mind equal hip-hop. I could watch middle-aged white people be not funky all day. Michael makes her quit doing this. Damn you, Michael, stop interfering with TV's mission of excellent entertainment.
Back at the workroom, everyone is using their collected recycled materials to create awful crap. Corky talks about not owning the future, whatever the fuck that means. Cut to Laura, still thinking she's both Eric B and Rakim, calling Corky "wack." She continues, "He's not mentally stable."
Next we see Kayne the Flaming Lisp and Robert eating dinner, talking shit about Laura and how Robert thinks she wants to maybe shoot him in the face. Then they acknowledge that her dress is "cute." Also that it looks like a straightjacket, and "she's sewing for herself again." Ooh, another good one, Gay Arms. Now, that's one reason I am proud to be a member of the fag and lez and whatever community. We don't subscribe to either-or thinking. We hate and love all at once. See, Diana Ross? I know you're not reading this, but see?
Jeffrey, however, is straight and just plain despises Laura, wants the judges to "send her to the guillotine...another high-waisted skirt...fuck." Because another high-waisted skirt isn't the moral equivalent of another bombed-out freak-show Thunderdome prom gown at all.
Alison is having problems with her paper skirt. She ruins it. Meanwhile, what is up with that giant green tempera paint flower dress, Kayne? Seriously, do you know where you're going to? And only moments later we learn that he, in fact, does not. He admits this readily and spends the rest of the episode hurling insults at his own creation. Good ones too, like how a frog exploded on it and stuff. Dude, how am I supposed to do my job here if you do it for me?
Thankfully, Corky comes through for me. I thought I hated his earlier outfits, but none of them could prepare me for this week's atrocity. He's taken a white paper sheath and just thrown more scraps of paper and confetti at it. "It's a hot dress," he says. And that it is. Retina-scorching.
Tim Gunn Inspection:
To Uli, Heidi's German Pet: "This is gorgeous." And it is. Woven Mylar and I don't know what else. Uli just works quietly and doesn't fight with people and, like Michael, cranks out one decent thing after another.
To Jeffrey, making a patchwork paper dress that's not finished yet, stands by, almost sheepishly, waiting for Tim to say something, and he gets "stunning" as a little gift.
To Corky, a smile to mask the pain, "What is this?"
Corky proudly and almost condescendingly says, "Avant-garde." I love it when dopes use avant-garde to describe trite wacky bullshit, so right now I sure do love that Corky.
He's not fully convinced by Michael's skirt, calling it a "blank canvas." Then he says, "Make me believe."
He says, "I don't know" about Alison's second attempt, a pleaty paper pouf. He's especially concerned about how it's going to look on her model, who apparently has hips that aren't like an 11-year-old boy and therefore gets called "zaftig."
To Kayne: "This is not what I was expecting. I'm disappointed. It looks like a high school craft project. I'm sorry, it does. It looks like the amateur hour. The circles are a huge problem.... They're just dead.... It's a high school prom backdrop." Again, my commentary here would be superfluous. Wow, this recap is taking no time at all.
Back at Atlas, Kayne says his dress is one of the worst and that he won't win unless the judges are smoking crack before the runway show. Corky remains confident.
The next day:
Two hours to fit the models, send them to the TRESemme hair salon and the L'Oreal Paris makeup room. What follows is a montage of models looking upset while being fitted into stiff, unyielding clothes made of garbage from New Jersey.
Cut to Kayne and Laura sitting on a couch. Laura grills him on his terrible outfit. "I worry about your choices, sweetheart." This is the voice of a woman with five children who treats everyone younger than she is like third-graders in need of firm correction. Thanks for your constructive comments, Mom. "Well, honey, I worry about your character, and that's worse," snaps Kayne. "I won't be berated on camera; that's bullshit." Kayne's wearing a T-shirt that says "Wow." I feel exactly the same way.
Another wow moment: Corky's dress has actually become uglier overnight. But he is undaunted and says, "To me it looks like a huge canvas of art. It got me off. It was like a child's drawing."
It's commercial time: You can get ring tones of Heidi saying "Auf wiedersehen" now. But I already have mine. Some excellent geeks I know helped me get one of her high-pitched crazy-person laughs. It's also in my iTunes so that when my friends and I sit around making dorky knock-knock jokes, Heidi is now the first to go, "Ha-ha!"
Another commercial: Which judge is the toughest? Yeah, Nina, that's Nina "a hard one to answer" Nina. She's here as well as Kors and...eww...gross celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe! She's the woman responsible for making all of young Hollywood look like hell, just FYI.
Outfits:
1. Uli: silver Mylar + muslin = pretty and bubbly and maybe even winning
2. Angela, the Yves Saint Laurent Copier, who has been almost completely absent for this episode: Mylar + patchwork graphic prints = slut gear for the headmistress of Jubilee Jumbles. Nina appears to be choking back laughter.
3. Michael: peanut sack + Mylar + plastic wrap = safe bustier and safe skirt and plastic wrap top, which all looks like it could be clothing if only it were made from fabric instead of stuff that rats were crawling around in only a week ago. It's really pretty, even if it's not exciting.
4. Corky: construction paper + black plastic + confetti = the model can't even walk in it. She trips over herself. He says, "It was like seeing art in motion." Isn't it weird when he says 'art' how he can't seem to pronounce the letter f? Then he says it gets him off. I can't not think of him getting off enough.
5. Robert: silver Mylar = He joins Team Kayne and disses his own piece as a "cheap tacky cocktail dress that a hooker might wear."
6. Jeffrey: newspaper + magazines = Yow! Acid-yellow and blue stripes and painted-on fake belt. It's a Pee-wee's Playhouse dress. That's a compliment.
7. Laura: peanut sack + black plastic straps = more typical Laura. Neat, clean, and straight. Black rosette on side of dress stolen from Angela. Funny "For nuts only" on the ass. OK, I like it.
8. Alison: colored paper = fit mistakes, style mistakes (the big yellow hair bow on the model's head is just asking for it), and shape mistakes. Many, many mistakes--but not as many as Corky
9. Kayne: Mylar + construction paper = It's all been said already.
Highest and lowest score group = Alison, Kayne, Laura, Vincent, Michael, Jeffrey. That means Angela, Uli and Robert are safe.
Models come out for designers to defend. Rachel Zoe says things to them but I had my fingers in my ears whenever her face came on the screen. So if you're dying to know what her comments were, then tough. Nina and Kors like Michael's outfit a lot. They hate Corky's, as they should, making grossed-out faces when they talk about it, and Corky mentions once again how much it "turns him on." What is it with this creepo? Nina calls it bizarre, and Corky sasses back in a low sexed-up voice with, "It is bizarre, and that's what I like. It's artsy. Very artsy." When he says this the camera shows him from the chest up only, and I'm glad of this because he may be touching himself right now.
They rip into Kayne, and he cops to it all. Poor Kayne and his awful outfit of whatever it's supposed to be.
Kors calls Jeffrey's dress "ugly beautiful." It is, and he should win this challenge.
No one likes Alison's outfit because the model looks model-fat in it. That's different from actual fat. It's the kind of fat that fashion people want to claw their eyes out over. Real fat doesn't even register in their field of vision. They just bleep over it like tough Russian names in The Brothers Karamazov. They call the dress "huge" and say it makes the model look "plus-size." Oh, shit, Alison's going to get kicked off because there is nothing worse on the planet than being plus-size or looking fat. You might as well be a necrophiliac too.
Michael wins again, even though Jeffrey's was the coolest. What that means is that we get to hear Jeffrey whine more about never winning. So that'll be fun to listen to next week. Oh, wait, we get to hear it starting now. He calls Michael's clothes "the equivalent of diabetic food."
And I'm right: Alison's gone. The loser. Corky and his repulsive "art" get to stick around for another week of barfiness. Hooray. Goodbye Supernice Supercute Alison who is way more talented than the mental case standing to your right. You deserved better than this. I hate this show right now.
So does Laura. She's pissed that Corky's still around and starts insulting him. Glad someone's there to do it.
"It's Artsy, Very
Artsy"
