"It's So Gravy"

I finished the September issue of Elle. And Lindsay Lohan looks somewhat "exhausted" in her photos and her interview is not going to help her win any new fans. But still, she's 20, so she's allowed to act as stupidly in public as she likes. And I don't have to work on a set with her or ever have to meet her, so who cares anyway?

Cool-kid label Obesity and Speed gets referenced on page 408. They've got lots of skulls on their stuff. And a great name. Check them out at www.obesityandspeed.com.

So goodbye for now, Elle. I'm bored with you now and only paying attention to the Sundance Channel program Signe Chanel. That's some breathless shit right there, that show. I don't speak a lick of French but I've seen plenty of their movies and the Voiceover Lady of this series is high on Chanel nail polish fumes. Here's some of the narration:

"The dreamiest of wedding dresses, designer kisses, rush hour in the fashion world, famous clients, and of course Karl Lagerfeld! Karl! Karl! Haute couture! Pure couture!"

The exclamations are mine. But for real, the woman reading this copy is, to paraphrase Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace, smiling down there. And by the eighth minute of the documentary series they've delivered a brutally expensive embroidered thing wrapped in tissue to a client at the Ritz, just in the nick of time to avoid the consequences, because in real life there's no such thing as fashionably late. Then you get to see Lagerfeld's seamstresses gossiping and complaining about him. By the eighth minute, did I mention that? Project Runway better kick out the jams in its remaining episodes because, entertainment-wise, this other show is about to stomp its fat American ass.

Oh, and P.S., Viktor & Rolf for H&M? Who wants to go camp out and wait in line with me at the Beverly Center the day that shit goes on sale? I don't even know if there'll be men's stuff. I know none of it will fit me if there is. But there might be accessories. You never know.

The show begins...

Kayne The Flaming Lisp, Jeffrey Christ, and Michael Knight With No Talking Car hang out at Atlas New York and talk about Corky [Vincent] finally leaving. "I think we are the absolute most talented. I think we just deserve to be in the top five," says Kayne. Do you now? Don't get too comfortable on that Atlas mattress, Red.

Laura Glamour Mom is freaked out that she almost got the shove last week. Her collar wilted and now so has her self-esteem. She sits on a bed next to Uli, Heidi's German Pet, and does that thing where you're asking your friends to tell you that you're worthwhile but not actually asking them to do that. You know what I mean?

The designers head to the runway to meet Heidi, who's wearing yet another incredibly awesome thing--it looks like a giant scarf and that's it. She asks them if they're ready for their next challenge.

Nods all around.

"Too bet," she says. She means "too bad." Uli understands this, at least. When does she pull the riding crop out of that outfit? "L'Oreal Paris is hosting a little party for you tonight," Heidi says. "And I'll tell you about your challenge there." Then she says that she's invited some very special guests. She pauses before using the word "special." I really hope this means they're going to be designing clothes for the kids of Widney High.

Jeffrey smells the trickery. "It's going to be a trap. It's not going to be a party," he says. "At all. It's never a fuckin' party."

Now we're outside on the streets of New York and, oh, look at those cabs driving past that both just happen to have ads for Elle magazine on top. The gang enters what Kayne describes as "this really kind of chic club." That makes two good loony quotes from Kayne so far tonight. Would Kayne know chic if it punched him in the face? I think I should be in charge of the text-message voting question this week.

They drink champagne--water for Jeffrey--and play Guess Who with the identities of the "special" guests. A celebrity who needs an outfit? "Destiny's Child, Destiny's Child," says Kayne, as though Jambi from Pee-Wee's Playhouse just popped by and cooed, "Wish? Did somebody say wish?" Kayne has obviously not heard about House of Dereon yet or read Tina Knowles's book Destiny's Style--the one she wrote about how to live and look like Beyonce, Kelly, and that other one--or he'd know that nobody gets to put tacky dresses on those ladies except her. I question his fandom now.

I get to watch the show with a group of friends tonight and one of them suggests that America's Next Top Model--and remember to boycott watching the upcoming season until Tyra helps settle her writers' strike, kids, because everyone needs health insurance, not just models-turned-media-moguls--has loaned the DSquared boys to PR for the evening because those two will go anywhere there's a camera. I can't offer an opinion on that, but I like the idea a lot more than what we get. And that's Corky. And Angela, Headmistress of Jubilee Jumbles.

I know that this is the show's way of trying to stir up trouble, but I kind of like to be done with the discards after they're discarded. I like to move into the future. Unless Malan gets to come back too. Then I'd be cool with it. But this is going nowhere. The show just wants to abuse these two people some more. And they're both already big successes with doing that all by themselves. Jeffrey takes this opportunity, in interview, to make note of the word "special" so I don't have to.

Angela is wearing her usual window-treatment-as-skirt and seems genuinely shocked to be told that she and Corky are being given a second chance. Everyone who won a challenge gets a chance to come back for one more try, Heidi explains. Except Keith Michael The Total Cheater, I guess, for totally cheating.

Angela says, in interview, that it's "so gravy." How is it gravy? You're just going home again. Corky is laughing. Because that's what he does. In that way that makes your flesh crawl. So they're back. It's like acid reflux.

The challenge this week is to make a cocktail party dress out of black and white material only. The thought bubble in Laura's head says, Oh, I'm already finished. I'll have the housekeeper send over one of my own dresses and well just take off the label. I'm going away for the weekend. I have layette shopping to do at Bergdorf Goodman.

Oh yeah, and there are like 37 other conditions for this challenge that I'll get to in a second. But first it's time for Laura to lay it down with Angela. If you recall, it was Laura and Michael who were on Angela's team when she won the Macy's challenge. And they put the hose to her worst fires, saving her from herself. Laura reminds her of this. "It doesn't seem quite as fair that you got to come back," she deadpans. Sweet. Now what you didn't see and Bravo didn't show, but I have it on good authority that this exists, is a sonogram of Laura's fetus flipping off Angela. It'll be on the DVD, I bet.

After they sketch, Tim Gunn enters the workroom to tell them the next condition: They must use all of their fabric. Whatever they buy at Mood must be used. No more and no less. "Even the scraps?" asks Michael.

"Mm-hmm," nods Tim Gunn. If Karl! Karl! Karl Lagerfeld! doesn't have to do this, then why do they? Angela has that I-just-don't-get-these-hard-math-word-problems look on her face.

Did I mention they have one day? When did Tim Gunn become Monty Hall? When does the zonk happen? Why doesn't Heidi just say, "OK, take this pile of feces and make outfits from it. Blindfolded."

Angela: "I'm doing a leather shrug with an Edwardian collar lined in off-white charmeuse." Then we see her trying to make a flower on the collar. When it's done her dress is also going to come with a handkerchief, a scarf, a necktie, leg warmers, and a back fin. Corky overbought fabric. So we're right on track for the predictable outcome of all this. It's just a matter of who else is leaving this week. Based on fabric purchases I'm thinking Kayne or Jeffrey.

Jeffrey is back at his sewing machine complaining about Angela. Cut to Angela, a full body shot. She's wearing giant brown Uggs, one of her many flowered diaper things, and a T-shirt that says "B is for Biatch" that looks like it came from Urban Outfitters. This is a look that says, "I don't want you to think about sex with me. Ever. Take that penis elsewhere, Husband."

Michael advises Kayne to rein it in, gently letting him know that his outfit looks hookerish, helping him with ideas on how to fix it. This is the "you will love Michael even more than you possibly thought you could, even if you're not totally in love with his clothes" segment of tonight's episode. He truly is Captain Save-A-Ho.

Tim Gunn enters the workroom and asks for everyone's attention. What now? "We're going to take this pistol and spin the barrel," says Tim Gunn. OK, that's a lie. He doesn't say that. He's sending in the models for a preliminary fitting. Laura's model is asking questions about making the dress younger. Laura is freaking out some more.

They bring in that makeup guy you've been seeing in commercials--the baldy. He's a consulting makeup artist for L'Oreal. He's going to help or something. Also? Gay Arms. So at least in spirit Robert is back this week. He shows Angela his idea for little China Doll lips and raccoon eyes. Good idea, Gay Arms 2. It's clear that he automatically dislikes Angela. He's also going to advise her to write "Fuck you, Heidi," auf Deutsch, of course, on the model's forehead.

Tim Gunn Inspection Time:

Here's the quick version.

1. Hmmm.

2. Face that says, "Well I'm sorry but you're doomed."

3. Reminder to use all material.

4. Catchphrase.

Kayne, after Tim's consultation, says, "I'm banking on Jesus." See, Kayne, here's the thing with Jesus. Even though he hung out with hookers in the Bible and preferred their company to the religious leaders of the day, he's more of a day-wear guy. I talked to him about this and that's what he said to me. Just FYI.

Laura is at wit's end. She's pregnant and upset. "I can't exhaust myself designing for the Olsen Twins," she says, like she might cry. And oh, holy shit, in interview, she does cry, something I thought she didn't do. Ever. "I wanted to make a change in my life, a big career change," she says. "But now I'm just too tired." Thought bubble = This one isn't even born yet and it's fucking shit up. I hate this one the most.

In the nick of time she gets a video text message from her husband and one of the kids. All family messages are sponsored by Samsung and Sprint. Cut to Kayne, shirtless again. Dang, man, those nipples are bigger than Elijah Wood's eyes.

Back in the workroom, it's the next day and Tim Gunn comes in to tell Corky that his model, Gia, had an accident. She meant to do that when she heard he was back. To his credit, Corky asks if she's OK first. Tim says she will be. His new model is a little too big for the dress and now the zipper's broken. Oops.

Runway Show Time:

Nina and Kors are back. Zac Posen is the guest judge. Oh sure, get the hot young designer everyone's talking about to be on your show. But he's still no Rachel Zoe.

Outfits:

1. Angela = Worst one so far. High-collared shrug with backless dress and no telling where one ends and the other begins. The lines are all crazy. Fleurchoned, naturally.

2. Kayne = Captain Save-A-Ho failed. And he barely used white.

3. Laura = Calls hers a Josephine Baker look. I can see that. It's not something you'd get from her usually, a baby doll shorty-short dress, but it's nice. It's so young it doesn't ovulate.

4. Michael = Owes his model several dinners out. His dress is white and off the shoulder with a big black belt. It's very good, but his model sells it like she's going to devour everything in her path.

5. Jeffrey = Loony black-and-white pattern with super miniskirt and leathery leggings. She should be holding a 40 in a paper bag. It's the meanest looking piece so far and kind of a train wreck, but in the right context, like if I saw some chick in Vice magazine wearing it while vomiting on the sidewalk, I'd think, Well at least she looks cool. And really, isn't all of life about context? My husband is sick right now and is trudging around our apartment in blue plaid flannel pajamas and a long-sleeve black American Apparel T-shirt. To comfort him I say, "I like your garment." It's all about the right thing at the right time.

6. Corky = White top, black skirt, barfy wrap. Boring and dumb. Go home again now now now now now. Angela added a white flower to the wrap. I'm sure it turns him on and gets him off and wank wank wank, etc.

Heidi and the judges grill them all:

Nina loves Michael. She hates Corky. Zac Posen wants Corky's cape to be a skirt. Uli gets slammed for her continued use of prints for party girls in Miami and Kors calls her excess fabric necklace a "pool float." They want Angela to show them on the model where the bad man touched her garment. Her model looks like she might cry. Heidi pulls the angry face when it's revealed that Angela's excess fabric is in the purse. And this purse? She didn't make it. And it's already fairly sturdily constructed, so no need to stuff it for runway volume. So Ha-HA to all that. They say Jeffrey's cheap trash look like cheap trash. And, you guessed right, they love Laura's baby doll.

And Kayne. Oh, Kayne. Spazzy is not the new pageant.

The judges chat:

Heidi despises Angela's shrug. She says she likes them ordinarily but the designer has to know what she's doing to pull it off. Ha-HA! Kors loves Michael. Everyone loves Michael. The whole world loves Michael. Zac Posen says things but I forget what they are because I'm fixated on his ascot. That makes him and Jeremy Piven at the Emmys. One more makes a trend. Unless I've missed someone and it's already a trend. And Vincent Price doesn't count, because he's dead. Kors does an Uli impersonation, mocking her. Heidi makes a mental note to replace him with Andre Leon Talley. Oh, one funny thing about Posen: He pronounces "rich" like "wretch." And he likes it when fabrics look "wretch."

Winners and Losers:

Laura wins. No immunity for the next challenge.

Angela is out. Corky's out again too. In fact, he's so out they don't even tell him why. Big surprises all around. Final quote from him: "I do [fashion design] so damn well. It's a gift."

Uh-huh.

Michael is in. Uli is in. Jeffrey is in.

Kayne, poor thang, is out. But it ain't like he goes back to Norman, Okla., to a job at Wendy's. He's got a successful business doing what he does best: making young girls look crazy for pageant night. That's a good life. And then there's his annual Halloween drag outfit. You know there are pictures of those floating around somewhere. You don't have those cheekbones for nothing. Maybe he's not even waiting for Halloween. Maybe just because it's Tuesday.