"I’m
Gonna Die of Barfness"

Victorya can't get Sweet P's name right. It's morning at the lady apartment and Victorya keeps calling Sweet P "Kit."

"My name's not Kit!" whines Sweet P, suggesting that this has happened before. All the white devils look the same, so that's understandable, really. I don't blame Victorya for this. I don't even blame her when she does it again seconds later. If anything, it's less about all blond Caucasians resembling one another than it is about Victorya probably wanting someone to say, "Kit's not here!" so that V can think to herself, "But I am."

In any case, Sweet P yells again, "My names's not Kit! My name is Sweet P." Even though that's not really her name either.

Cut to the man apartment. Chris and Rami sit in chairs and chat. "Seven people left," says Chris.

"Well, nothing changed here. We're all still here," says Rami. "And look at how much thinner I am compared to you." OK, Rami didn't say that last part. But I always think that he's got stuff like that in his head now. And he's still dead to me for being so awful to Sweet P. I've not forgiven him. Maybe I never will. On Judgment Day, when I'm standing next to Prince in front of my savior Jesus and then Jesus goes, "You were supposed to forgive people, even that dick Rami," I'll say, "I know, but he was such a dick. And to Sweet P!" Then I imagine Jesus will say, "That's true. Come on in to heaven."

Cut to Ricky. "I'm trying to be excited about everything," he says, on interview-cam. "But it's hard to be excited when every time you go to elimination you're told that you're not good enough." Oh, boo hoo. Suck it up.

The seven remaining designers gather at the runway for their next challenge. Heidi emerges wearing what appears to be a unitard that was recently used to sweep a chimney by Dick Van Dyke. AND SHE LOOKS GREAT. I really wish Heidi were more involved in the on-camera aspect of this show rather than just showing up at the beginning and the end. I'd like her to flounce through the workroom from time to time with Tim, even if it's just to show us her latest outfit and bark German curse words at people she simply finds unamusing that day. I have some suggestions:

Fick dich ins Knie (fuck off)

Leck mich doch am Arsch (lick my ass). And this is Goethe, so you know it's classy.

Das ist zum Kotzen (that makes me wanna puke)

potthasslich (really fucking ugly)

Boah, das geht mir total auf den Sack, ey (that's supremely irritating)

Steckdosenbefruchter (electrical socket impregnator)

Homofurst der Finsternis = ("faggot Prince of Darkness")*

(*thanks, Chris P.)

The camera cuts to Victorya looking sad. I can't figure out why she looks like that. My friend Xtreem Aaron is sitting on the couch watching the show too, and says, "I dated an Asian girl in high school." Like Victorya just reminded him of that for some reason. Then he says, "She had a Vespa. I looked really cute on the back of it." That he didn't figure out he was gay until almost 10 years later is the punch line of that little anecdote.

Heidi is sending them all off with Tim Gunn to a warehouse on a dock.

As they walk downstairs to meet Tim Gunn for the van ride out to the dock, you can see Sweet P and Rami walking together. His arm is around her shoulder.

Hmm.

I assume this means he apologized. OK, Jesus, you win.

So van ride van ride van ride. They go to the warehouse. What could be inside? Oh, look it's the Cloverfield monster and they have to make a dress out of it. Actually, it's some PR person from Levi's. But isn't my version better? It is. You don't even need to tell me it is. I know it is.

Anyway, guess who's sponsoring the show this week? Guess who's going to make super-exciting garments from pairs of jeans? Why don't they just let Cover Girl take over like they did on America's Next Top Model? Then all their sponsorship needs would be met and they could truly become as boring as they want to be and I could stop watching. This brings the tally to three intrusive sponsor-centric challenges in lieu of fun imaginative challenges that would stretch their skills. I'm annoyed with you, show. You disappoint me.

Anyway, the door to the warehouse opens and everyone has to run and scramble around and grab as many pairs of Levi's jeans as possible and put them in a bag and blah blah blah. They have to create an iconic denim outfit and then... I'm sorry...I'm...zzzzzzzzzzz...wait, I just fell asleep for a second. I'm back now. What did I miss? Oh the whole show? It's over? Who got kicked off? Victorya? Whatever. Who won the challenge? RICKY?!?!

Shit, now I have to go back and watch what I missed. And it's not because I have some beef with jeans. They're pretty much all I ever wear. The same brand too: shrink-to-fit Levi's 501's since I was 16. Right after that sad Jordache male camel toe incident. I also had one pair of Wranglers then. But they were even more embarrassing. Old-school Wranglers used to give guys not only giant asses but also giant packages regardless of what you were truly packing down there. So I get this pair of Wrangers and I wear them to school and the first girl to see me in them goes, "PARTY IN THE PANTS!" I spent the rest of the day with my notebook over my crotch. Immediately afterward I switched to 501's, which also give you a package but don't make you look like the guy from Cameo. They are the perfect jeans for men.

Anyway, during the mad dash for the fabric through the filthy warehouse, Sweet P loses a "shoe." She calls it a shoe anyway. But it's a flip-flop. And flip-flops are not shoes. They're barely footwear. I'm devoutly anti-them. They're the worst, grossest things a human being can wear on his or her feet. Mostly because most humans have no concept of how to care for their feet, so the rest of us have to suffer through looking at them. Nail care, or the lack of it, is enough to make me puke all over the place. That's right. I'm delicate.

The cutting and sewing and talking scenes in this particular episode may be the most boring of any episode so far this season. There's a tiny disagreement/tiff between Chris and Christian about the best way to get dirt off of jeans. Chris says damp cloth. Christian says dry. And that's it. HOLY FUCKING SHIT, IT'S A GAY RUMBLE. Let there be punches thrown, comments hurled, hair pulled, shrieks, and bad swears. Oh, wait, it's already over. OK, everyone back to work. Nothing to see here.

Then? You know what else happens? Jillian pokes herself with a needle. And cries about how she's bleeding everywhere. Oh, if only someone would invent a thimble-like object so these sorts of sewing tragedies wouldn't happen to the cute and innocent of this world.

So thank goodness Christian is here to save the day with verbal antics. He's bitching about the challenge and how lame it is. And it is. And then everyone else is shown complaining about how young and immature Christian is. But you know what? He's entertaining me. So call him a clown and a cartoon character and whatnot, but no one else but the talented, tilty-haired Chihuahua is coming up with choice lines like, "I'm gonna die of barfness."

Cut to Sweet P. She's making a denim wedding dress. And when it's done she's going to get Michael J. Fox to deliver it in his DeLorean to some Hell's Angel's old lady to wear for their impromptu nuptials at Altamont while the Stones perform. Then we see Sweet P's wedding picture. She married a moustache-guy named Sage. Sage P, I presume. Of the Wisconsin Ps.

Cut to Chris and Christian talking about how quiet it is in the workroom (off-camera, producers all prepare poison drinks for themselves now and go to AskJeeves.com to find out if there's an actual answer for "How do you get blood from a stone?") and about how sad it is that people they like are gone. "And some annoying people are still left," says Christian.

And this is where the show apes one of my favorite recurring gags on Laverne & Shirley. It would always happen when Laverne or Shirley would talk about something they find disgusting or wrong. On cue, in would walk Lenny and Squiggy. Here, Ricky walks around the corner into the shot just after Christian finishes his sentence. The result of fancy editing and looping, most likely, but it still made me happy.

Commercial Time: They're all for L'Oreal and Levi's. Big surprise. And for other Bravo shows. Make Me a Supermodel. Is anyone watching this? I thought about it for a second. But then life seemed too short, somehow.

Back to the show. It's the next day. Elimination day. Everyone's getting ready for the day. Rami is spraying a mysterious misty thing all over himself. Kaballah water? Cod oil? Deep Woods Off? Polo cologne? No answers from the show.

Hair, makeup, final fittings, etc.

Here's Heidi. She's got some things to say, "As you know, in fashion, one day you're in. And the next day you're Steckdosenbefruchter." Then she goes on to tell them that the challenges are going to get "tuffa." And that no one has immunity anymore. Good. Too much slacking going on already this season.

Here come the outfits. I could describe them for you individually, but why bother? THEY'RE ALL THE SAME LITTLE DENIM DRESS. Rami's has some wacky zipper detail. Sweet P's is patchworky. Ricky's is nicely stitched and wins because of the Bluefly.com accessories wall and his nine-foot model's channeling of a crack-free Amy Winehouse. Chris's is all "Donna Martin Graduates." Victorya and Jillian show competing coats. Jillian's is overwrought and weird and seems to employ leftover Twizzlers on one of the shoulders. Victorya's looks like she sewed a denim skirt onto a denim jacket and then went and had her nails done. Nothing on the runway looks as good as a single denim item worn by Salt-n-Pepa and/or Mel & Kim 20 years ago. Seriously, I'm going to die of barfness from looking at these outfits. Only Christian seems to have bothered to make something inventive, using denim jacket material for his pants and pants material for his jacket. That kid can be as cocky and annoying as he wants. If he doesn't win the season, then this show means nothing.

The judges keep everyone out on the runway to grill them. Heidi calls Chris's dress "home-sewn." If your grandma said that, she'd mean that you'd just made something adorable. From Heidi's mouth it's an intentional paper cut of the soul.

Nina calls Ricky's dress "impeccable." Ricky cries. I could comment on this. I guess. I could also tell you about how the sun rises roughly at the same time each morning and how flatulence generally has a not-nice smell.

The Winner: Ricky. A limited edition of his dress will be sold on the Levi's website.

IN: Rami, Sweet P, Christian, Chris, Jillian

OUT: Victorya. She leans down for Heidi's smooch and says, "Thank you, Claudia Schiffer."