Lisa Lampanelli
Will F**k You Up

'Round and 'round she goes, and where she stops, expect her to blow. That's pretty much how you can sum up savage insult comic Lisa Lampanelli. The woman has been heralded as the female Don Rickles -- with shades of TV's Archie Bunker tossed in for good measure -- and she spares no one. An equal-opportunity offender, she'll verbally butcher Asians, Hispanics, African-Americans, and LGBT people in her unabashed comedy routines. Funny thing is, we all know she's kidding... Or is she?

Lampanelli leaves no cultural stone unturned in her intoxicating first HBO special, Lisa Lampanelli: Long Live the Queen, which airs on the network all month. In an Advocate.com exclusive, the loveable "queen of mean" rants about dating, whether or not she would "do" Obama, her forthcoming book, and why "homos" just love her so damn much.

Advocate.com: I would just like to say that I think you would make a good Renta-Yenta.Lisa Lampanelli: Absolutely. If I were a Jew bitch. I'd be perfect.

But you're an actress. You can pretend. That's true. I mean, I am the best actor -- in the world!

Please. You're amazing. Hello! I wanna be on Broadway. I mean, that big-headed dyke-a-saurus Rosie O'Donnell did it.

Well... Hell, yes!

Too funny. Why do I think it would be fun to marry you? You know, people always say that -- except black guys. They don't wanna marry me, but they do wanna stick it in.

Hmm. Well, we could have a lot in common. You like the chocolate love?

You know...What is that? They're so hot. They're in great shape. And they have girth.

Always helps. Anyway, it is good to talk to you. You too, homo.

And we should talk about business. Your very first HBO special is outrageous. How easy, or hard, is it for you to dive into the work you do? I have rage and anger issues. So I get mad about stuff in real life and then I yell about it onstage, and luckily, something funny ends up coming out. What I'll do is tape-record it and it will end up coming out even funnier. And I add more punch lines. I mean, I don't sit down at a goddamn computer and say, "Whore, I am going to write some clever jokes today." I rant and rave and see what comes out.

So, it's cathartic? Yeah. It's not really like I'm therapizing myself in front of the audiences, because I have therapists that I pay. And the audiences pay to see the show. I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.

That's great. And you said therapists? Plural? I have two. I have a backup therapist. I have two houses. I don't know if you know this, but I am pretty wealthy. I have two houses and two Toyota Camrys, so I am pretty fuckin' wealthy. I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.

That's very smart. So, in your work, basically, you get pissed off and you work it out. Are you pissed off about something now? I started dating again. I took a year and a half off because I was very codependent. I dated people from age 12 to 45 without a break. That's 33 years. I should write a Broadway show: Love Addicts. The closing number is "Boy, Is My Cunt Tired." Luckily, now that I have some self-esteem, I'm trying out guys with jobs and stuff. It's a huge upgrade. But I am still annoyed at the dating process because all these guys are a huge disappointment. Less of a disappointment from last week, so I guess it keeps getting better.

What guy stands out for you now? Let's see... I met this guy in L.A. and he flew to Vegas to see me and he was so hot. He was, maybe, the most gorgeous black guy I slept with, but I didn't really sleep with him because -- guess what? -- he flies all the way to Vegas to see me and does not bring a condom! What a fucking underachiever is that? And then he's like, "Instead of doing that, why don't I jerk off and you lick my nipple!" I'm like, "What kind of gay shit is that?" So I said, "Whatever ... I might as well make the best of it." And then he's like, "No, no, not that one, the left one." Now, how frickin' specific is that bullshit? I have more button choices on my satellite radio, OK! I am very angry at him.

Oh my. Well, what about women? No. I wish I was [interested], because I get hit on by so much hotter women than the guys who hit on me. So, if I was going to jump onto the tuna boat, at least I have a good catch. But sadly, I am not attracted to them.

Why do you think your gay fans dig you? Because they hate themselves so much. [Laughs] But I think the community likes me because I am sort of like a big giant drag queen. And I think you all think I use duct tape to get dressed. You guys really do. You see the big tits and the big hair -- they think I am one of them. Gay guys like that. And also, gay guys do have extreme self-love or self-hate, so in my show, that self-hate works because they think they deserve to be called cornholes. But if they have self-love, they're like, "Wow, she's just kidding. She really loves us." [Sighs] Either way, the faggots flock to me. Thank you, Jesus! And that's the Jesus, by the way, that's sending you all to hell.

Are you very spiritual? Oh yes, I am. I get on my knees every night.

I thought so. The thing is, in the dating profiles it says "spiritual," but not with a specific religion. And so I pretty much try to meditate, but I have a very hard time concentrating on things other than me. So if the cunt in meditation class will play a tape of my stand-up, I can mediate to it, but if there's some monk moaning, I don't want to hear that. So I don't mediate. I do feel like I make the world a better place, and if that isn't spiritual, dammit, I don't know what is.

You must be excited about our new president. Well, I used to be until I found out what a supreme racist Obama is. Uh, have you noticed? He has a black wife. What the fuck is that shit? Basically, he should date me, because I am a white chick with a big ass. Unfortunately I have a black couch, and if he were on it he would blend in and I wouldn't see him.

So you would do him? No. He's a married man and I don't cheat. I am not a home-wrecker, you faggot! I keep it on the down low.

Maybe it's time for me to settle down too. Yeah. How old are you?

Forty. Yeah, it's about time, faggot.

You think? Uh, hello! You're just being a whore! And don't be a big fuckin' codependent. Did your father hate you?

He's dead. Oh God!

Yeah. Thank you very much. No problem. Better to have a dead father than a father that hates you for sucking dick, right?

Right. I am very astute.

What are you most excited about these days? Well, I must tell you and you must already know ... that I am a very big-deal authoress. I have written my autobiography, which is coming out September 15, which is called Chocolate Please. And it details black men I've had relationships with. It kinda reads like Schindler's List but with a less happy ending. I am also excited about my sitcom that I am putting together with Jim Carrey, a TV series that we're going to develop for HBO. They love the pilot script that we submitted, and eventually, hopefully, we will have a show there. So cross your fingers, dirty homo. Or cross your nut sacs.

They already are -- just for you. What are a few things we don't know about you? Well, I am generous. What are those people called? Philanthropists. Yeah. I donate a lot to the NAACP and the Faggots Save the Gerbil Foundation. It's all pretty nice. And I also cry at a lot of movies. And I also thought Roots was the best comedy that was ever on TV.

Best advice you've been given about life? Well, Cher, ironically. Because I know how you love Cher...

Eh -- I go in and out. Well, so does she. Now, here's the deal with Cher. She said, "I only answer to two people: God and myself." And I said, "Wow, that's how I am going to live my life." So I said, I am going to answer to one person: myself. Because I am my own god, faggot. OK? I am my own Buddha, Baby Jesus, and Jew all in one.

It's true. We have it all inside of us. You gotta let it all out. What's the most interesting thing you've learned about yourself lately? Hmm. Good question. Well, let me think. I don't learn anything about myself. I went to rehab for food issues about six months ago, and I explored things about myself, and pretty much I, like, shut the door and went, "OK, let's not learn anymore! Who cares what happened as a kid. You better start living now and stop over-eating, you fat dyke!"

I can't think of a better place to end, but I have to ask, Do you enjoy being called the female Don Rickles or Archie Bunker? Absolutely. Because Don Rickles is a very funny Jew bastard and he's one of my heroes, and anytime you are compared to a hero you're like, "Wow! I can't believe I'm mentioned in the same sentence." And actually, the Archie Bunker thing is weird -- because my penis is a lot bigger.

I heard it has a lot of girth. Dude -- shaped like a tuna can!