Spongebob Squarepants Is Gay, Warns Ukraine Commission

A Ukranian commission for the protection of morality has concluded that Spongebob Squarepants is gay, according to Ukranian newspaper Ukrainskaya Pravda. The Commission argued that Spongebob Squarepants and other popular American cartoon programs "present a real threat to children."

The Ukraine's National Expert Commission for Protecting Public Morality released the report on Thursday, criticizing several popular television programs as harmful to the country and proposing a nationwide ban on the shows.

Spongebob was joined on the blacklist by Family Guy, The Simpsons, Futurama, and even Teletubbies. Teletubbies, according to the report, "deliberately aims to create subnormal [men], who spend all day in front of the television with their mouths open swallowing all types of information." Such behavior, the report says, is the "psychology of losers."

According to a psychologist quoted in the study, after watching the shows, children between 3 and 5 years old "pull faces and make jokes in front of adults they don't know, laugh out loud and repeat nonsense phrases in a brazen manner."