#TBT: What I Know About Football

Not to play into stereotype too much, but you could fill a giant thimble with what I know about football. Yes, I went to all my high school football games, and for one season I was the game mascot, Buzzy the Hornet. I wore a giant papier-mache hornet's head, a gold and white striped sweater, and white pants. I was understandably drunk. I also threw up inside the hornet's head. But that was a tradition for all pre-gay male cheerlears in our school. But did I ever watch the actual game? No.

That being said, I have also tucked away many football images in my little hornet head over the years. So here is what I know.

I know that coaches should wear top hats. (Oberlin College football team, 1892)

I know that President Ronald Reagan played Knute Rockne in an adult diaper.

I know that Channing Tatum made my dreams come true in 22 Jump Street.

I know that the first football player to come out publicly was Dave Kopay and that he is a personal hero.

I know that football used to be played in onesies.

I know this early Dartmouth photo is awesome for showing one of the first black players.

I know that gay illustrator J.C. Leyendecker totally understood what is sexy about football. And pilgrims.

I know that this circa 1895 football team has marvelous rehearsal practice outfits.

I know that I still have dreams about Joe Namath. Damn you, Joe!

I know that Rosey Grier needlepoints.

I know that Norman Rockwell also got what was sexy about football players.

I know that the 1934 St. Louis Gunners made fashion history with the introduction of shiny pants.

I know that Burt Reynolds not only played fottball in college, but that he also made a couple of very gay-adjacent football films, one of them being The Longest Yard. Hello!?! Football in prison?

Keep your eye on the ball, boys.

I know that Howie Long is even sexier than Burt Reynolds, and he's an actual football player.

I know this Red Grange football doll will probably do terrible things to me at night after Mom tucks me in and turns out the light.

I know that Tom Cruise was in a football movie. That's all I know about Tom Cruise, so stop asking me. You can talk to my lawyers.

I know that Tony Danza is as cute as a button. But his shoes don't match.

I know that Jim Brown sometimes guest stars in my dreams about Joe Namath. And Burt Reynolds. And Howie Long.

I know that all I can think about is that inch and a half of exposed flesh on Mark Wahlberg's midriff.

I know that this vintage 1972 Mod Hair Ken Doll wearing a 1963 football uniform by Mattel looks like Chris Kluwe in Simon Doonan and Jonathan Adler's bedroom.

I know that the fit and transparency of football pants has greatly improved since 1895. This fit and fabric is greatly enhanced by rainy weather. (Wide receiver Jordan Shipley of the Texas Longhorns stretches before a game against the UCF Knights on November 7, 2009, at Darrell K. Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium in Austin. Texas won 35-3.)