No, Donald Trump Is Not Our Friend

I haven't paid any attention to anything any Republican presidential candidate has said since about January, because on the whole I like myself and don't want to hurt myself by banging my head against a desk in frustration until I could qualify for disability. What they say or think means pretty much nothing to me; I'm voting Democratic no matter who the nominee is. I've enjoyed the Democratic debates and contest so much more because my parents died when I was young and I never got to experience the feeling of Mommy and Daddy fighting.

With the absolutely terrible candidates the GOP is running, I didn't bother reading most anything they said on the campaign trail, didn't watch any of the debates, and didn't even bother to turn the hose on the campaign workers when they tried to come into my yard. The only thing that has kept my interest with the Republicans has been the anti-LGBT bills they've been trying to pass, and their particularly distasteful anti-trans laws they got through in North Carolina and that other state that no one ever seems to think about until they have to drive through it to get to New Orleans.

Yesterday, when the topic came up for some reason on that last bastion of Cronkite-level television journalism, Today, Donald Trump surprised everyone when he said that that he didn't support the law in North Carolina. It surprised people because Trump is pretty much underpants-on-head crazy. Trump largely appeared to oppose the bill because in his reasoning, there has been no history of trouble with trans people using the bathroom they identify with and that the economic impact of the boycotts was devastating. When you throw that in with the fact he opened up his Miss Universe pageant to trans women to compete in, Trump seems, God help us all, almost a progressive on this issue. He even said that he wouldn't have any problem with Caitlyn Jenner using any of the truly huge, fabulous, I mean you gotta see 'em, they're just fantastic -- I mean, just look at the marble tile bathrooms at any of his world class Trump properties that she chose.

Of course Caitlyn Jenner got brought up. Because any discussion of trans people has to include Caitlyn. I truly think Caitlyn Jenner has become the transgender Jesse Jackson. If you want to be seen as cool with the T folk, you gotta say you're cool with Cait. Poor Cait -- even when it has nothing to do with her, she gets dragged into it.

I was reading through the comments at the end of the article on The Advocate and there were a few people who were actually glad that Trump was being supportive. That's when I got my head-to-desk action on. Remember how I said Trump was nuts? I wasn't kidding. He might be saying that he's cool with the trans folk, but did we somehow forget he has said such classic lines like "When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending the best. ... They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. ... And some, I assume, are good people"?

Did we just forget he gave us that Hallmark greeting card moment because he's down with the T? Did we forget that he compared gay people to golf clubs? I don't even know what that means. I've read Orwell, Moby Dick, Kafka, Where's Waldo? -- you know, the great books of symbolism in literature -- and I can't figure it out. While he might also say that he's OK with trans now, you gotta remember, that when he described how he got along with black people he said, "I have a great relationship with the blacks." Who talks like that? Probably the guy who says he doesn't want them counting his money. He wants guys who wear yarmulkes to do it. That's how he thinks of Jews. Like little Woody Allen characters.

Thinking that Donald Trump being supportive of trans people is a good thing is actually terrible. Seriously, stop it. Trump only cares as much about trans rights so long as he can figure out a way to slap his name on them, cover them in black marble and gold trim, and market the crap out it. I could see him getting on television and hocking Trump brand unisex bathrooms: "The handicapped stall is yuge. I mean, look at it, isn't it great? That's the best trans-friendly handicapped stall on the market, 'cause I only sell the best."

The only reason he even said anything about the N.C. law being bad was that the state is losing business. That's what matters to Trump, money, which is odd because he's pretty terrible at making it.

I just can't consider a guy who is a walking ball of sexual harassment, racism, and xenophobia giving me a pass a good thing. I'm down with the idea of fighting from inside an organization that collectively hates me to change it for the better as long as it's better for everyone, but this is not that case. Trump being OK with trans people using the bathroom of our choice and putting us in his beauty pageants is completely different. I screw up being an ally to people of color and Muslims sometimes because I'm not a perfect person, but I'm not so terrible at being an ally I would forget that Trump is a bigoted Oompa-Loompa with bad hair and small hands because he's OK with trans folk. It doesn't work like that. Either he's down with everyone or he's not down at all.

There is no acceptable pro-LGBT Republican candidate this year, just like every year since the 1980s. I really don't think there will be any good one for any foreseeable future. Not until they figure out how to clone Nelson Rockefeller.

AMANDA KERRI is a writer and comedian based in Oklahoma City.