A Deeply Unprofessional Psychoanalysis of Our President

There's been a long-standing tradition in political journalism to not try to psychoanalyze politicians from a distance. It goes back to the 1964 presidential election, when a magazine ran a poll asking psychiatrists to analyze Barry Goldwater; over 1,000 of them said that he was unstable and unfit for office. It was such a huge event that the American Psychiatric Association made an ethical guideline that forbade its members to analyze a public figure they had not spoken with personally.

Well, fortunately I'm not a psychiatrist, so I can do armchair analysis all I want! Calling Donald Trump a narcissist is pretty much the intro level of barstool psychiatric analysis of the guy. Saying he has daddy issues and wants to be loved is advanced amateur psychology, but the best of the best in rudimentary psychology knows exactly what one of Trump's major disorders is -- he's an immature and weak man, surrounded by weak and immature people.

In my time in the Army, I served with some genuinely frightening men -- Green Berets. I was never one myself, but worked in their support unit. Those Berets never bragged, never boasted, never showed off. They didn't have to; they were genuine commandos who can pull off stuff you only see in movies and video games. Now, those in the unit who weren't commandos, boy, did some of them have an inferiority complex. So much trash talk, bullying, and bragging. It's like they were compensating for not quite being the real alphas. Which, oddly enough, is what a Special Forces team is called -- an Alpha Team (that's why the old TV show was called The A-Team; you can use that at trivia night.)

It's pretty obvious that Trump isn't an alpha. Oh, he wants to be so badly, but he's not. Trump is the epitome of everything that is that whole "red pill" movement's open secret, that they're all betas. Here's a rule of life that is true 98 percent of the time: The more they have to tell you they're a badass, the less they are. Think of every diva-acting drag queen, catty twink, or name-dropping socialite you've ever met; weren't they the lamest? The queen couldn't lip-synch much less dead drop, that catty twink is so two years ago, and the name-dropper doesn't actually have anyone in their phone.

If you have ever spent any time around spoiled little children, they remind you of Trump. The press doesn't treat him fairly because they keep asking him hard questions. The reason he won on a technicality of the Electoral College and not the popular vote is that a bunch of immigrants cheated on the voting. This is the same attitude that kids get when they get beaten at Mario Kart. The other day at his disastrous press conference, he once again brought up Hillary Clinton's involvement in a uranium deal as a defense for his own alleged ties to Russia. You know how when you catch a kid holding a cat in one hand and a beard trimmer in the other and they decide that's the moment to reveal that some other child is responsible for a broken window? That's Trump.

Trump also can't seem to ever quit bragging about how he won the election with the "biggest margin in years" (which it isn't), even though it was three months ago. Doesn't that remind you of the guy who showed up to the high school reunion wearing his letterman jacket? The way that Trump shows off his homes, brags about his money, and humblebrags his way through all of his possessions? Remember that time that your parents made you hang out at that kid's house who showed off all his stuff, and then you realize you're there because he has no real friends?

In a way, as awful as Trump is, there's an itching in my mind that every time we make fun of him, every time we mock what he says and does, I just kinda gotta feel sorry for the guy. Here is a man who's clearly emotionally stunted. Even before the election I was joking that if you just hugged the guy tight and whispered in his ear "It's not your fault" over and over, he would eventually start bawling like a baby. The man is emotionally stunted in a way that only a shortage of mom hugs and middle child syndrome could create. Real, confident adult men and women don't behave this way. Trump is the perfect example of a sad little man who has too much money, too much power, and too little education, too little experience, and too few friends.

AMANDA KERRI is a writer and comedian based in Oklahoma City. Follow her on Twitter @EternalKerri.