How Gay Were America's Presidents? A Ranking

Mayor Pete, we're here to help.

In a recent interview, you said that "statistically it's almost certain" that America has had gay presidents, but when pressed for names, you demurred, saying, "My gaydar doesn't even work that well in the present, let alone retroactively."

Ours works very well indeed, although we no longer refer to it as "gaydar" but LGBTTQQIAAP-dar. Now, as a public service to you, we have ranked 14 presidents according to their gay potential.

Dwight D. Eisenhower
Gay: Painted landscapes.
Not gay: None of the landscapes had infinity pools.
Gay Index: 9

Thomas Jefferson
Gay: Kept a mockingbird named Dick. Often cited as America's first great wine connoisseur. Spent the modern equivalent of $120,000 on wine during his first term as President.
Not gay: May have served claret with chicken.
Gay Index: 14

John Quincy Adams
Gay: Regularly skinny-dipped in Tiber Creek, a Potomac River tributary.
Not gay: Declined to have nude selfies painted.
Gay Index: 17

Lyndon Johnson
Gay: Referred to his penis as Jumbo, making him America's first size queen.
Not gay: Lady Bird was his wife, not his drag name.
Gay Index: 21

Andrew Johnson
Gay: Sewed his own bespoke suits.
Not gay: Never asked anybody if he looked fat in them.
Gay Index: 28

William McKinley
Gay: Wore a red carnation boutonniere in his lapel at all times and kept a bouquet of carnations on his desk.
Not gay: Carnations.
Gay Index: 35

Ronald Reagan
Gay: Voted Most Nearly Perfect Male Figure by the University of California in 1940 and posed nearly nude for a sculpture class.
Not gay: Did actual work on his ranch.
Gay Index: 42

Gerald Ford
Gay: Met his future wife while working as a male model (wowza, see image). Appeared on the cover of Cosmopolitan.
Not gay: Turned down the cover of Honcho.
Gay Index: 48

Warren Harding
Gay: Threw parties for his Airedale terrier, Laddie Boy, who had a collar made from Gold Rush nuggets.
Not gay: No actual teapots were involved in Teapot Dome.
Gay Index: 56

Calvin Coolidge
Gay: Had pet canaries named Snowflake, Nip and Tuck. Liked to have his scalp massaged with petroleum jelly while eating breakfast.
Not gay: Breakfast included carbs.
Gay Index: 61

Chester A. Arthur
Gay: Known as "Elegant Arthur." Owned 80 pairs of pants. Held rummage sales in the White House. Took frequent fishing trips with his buddy Senator Roscoe Conkling. On his last day in office, four women offered to marry him. He said no to all.
Not gay: He checked them out before turning them down.
Gay Index: 70

Abraham Lincoln
Gay: Shared a bed with his friend Joshua Speed for three and a half years. Wrestled nearly 300 times, with only one defeat. Once addressed a wrestling crowd by crowing, "I'm the big buck of this lick. If any of you want to try it, come on and whet your horns."
Not gay: He actually tried to win his wrestling matches. (Or: He declined to wear a Speedo in the ring.)
Gay Index: 82

James Buchanan
Gay: Never married. Lived for 13 years with Senator William Rufus King, who was referred to by D.C. gossips as "Miss Nancy" and "Aunt Fancy," Buchanan's "better half," Buchanan's "wife," and "Mrs. B." The two were seen together so often around town they were called the "Siamese twins." While King was away, Buchanan wrote: "I have gone a wooing to several gentlemen, but have not succeeded with any one of them." Both men had their papers burned after death.
Not gay: Oh, come on, he's gay.
Gay Index: 100

Louis Bayard is the author of the novel Courting Mr. Lincoln. Danny Salles is the creator of the musical comedy The First Annual Trump Family Special.