Trevor's letters

Established almost 10 years ago, the Trevor Project aids troubled youth when they have no one else to turn to. Through a toll-free help line, an anonymous question-and-answer forum, and education tools for those who teach young LGBT people, the Trevor Project has saved countless lives. In an effort to shine a light on the serious problems of today's youth--and provide suggestions on how you can help friends, family members, or yourself--the Trevor Project shares some of its anonymous letters, and their respective answers, with Advocate.com. (For more information on the Trevor Project visit www.thetrevorproject.org or its help line at 866-4-U-TREVOR.)

Dear Trevor,

This is Jason and I have a question. This is a common question, but I need your help. I'm out to my friends but not my family. If I told my mom, she would freak. I had a plan to come out and live with my dad, but he died a week ago in a car crash. I really need to come out soon, but my new plan (waiting for the guy that's worth telling my mom about) might take long. So do you have any ideas? Any easy ones?

How awful that you lost your dad so recently! I hope you are getting support about that loss from people who care about you.

Regarding your plan, personally, I'm not a big fan of the "I'll-wait-until-I'm-in-love-to-tell-my-parents-I'm gay" School of Coming Out. I guess I figure if you think that your mom will freak out with "Hey, Mom, I'm gay," it's not likely that adding "And I want you to meet my boyfriend" will make it any easier on her!

And, no, Jason, there is no "easy" way to come out! Without knowing your mom or what "freaking out" would be like for her, it's hard to give advice. Generally speaking, I think it's best to come out to people when you are alone with them, in a quiet, unhurried situation. I think a good approach to take can be that it is because you love them, and want to be close to them, that you want to tell them this important personal information about yourself. However, because of your dad's recent death, Jason, you might want to give your mom some time to adjust to this new situation before telling her about yourself.

We always encourage kids to check out the Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays Web site (www.pflag.org) before talking to parents. They have lots of information and resources that can be helpful to parents who have just had a child come out to them.

Dear Trevor,

Hi, I have a huge problem. I've had this crush on a girl in my class since the beginning of eighth grade and now I'm a freshman in high school. Over the summer I told my family that I'm a lesbian. I thought they would understand, but none of them did. My mom beat me, and now my parents don't trust me. They said that I shouldn't choose that lifestyle. I tried to explain to them that I didn't choose, but they didn't listen. They wouldn't let me go over to my friend's house because they thought she was influencing me. They're ruining my life. Now I'm trying to convince them that I'm not a lesbian so I can actually have a life. They threatened to move to a different school, and I know I can't tell them again.

But I still have a crush on the same girl, and I don't even know if she likes girls. I haven't told any of my friends that I'm a lesbian, and I feel really alone right now. I just want someone to accept me, especially my crush. Please help.

Signed, Trapped (age 15, Lexington, S.C.)

It's so awful that your parents, the people who are supposed to love you the most, didn't respond in a loving and supportive way when you took the risk of sharing your true self with them. Nevertheless, I do admire the strength it took for you to take that risk. Trust me, it will pay off for you in the long run. And if your mother continues to beat you, please tell a teacher--being a parent does not give anyone the right to abuse their child.

OK, I'm wondering if there might be some understanding adult in your life (a teacher, a school counselor, an aunt) whom you think it would be safe to confide in. If you think your parents might be open to family counseling (though not with a religiously based counselor), a professional counselor might be able to help you and your parents deal with the situation in a healthier way. You might also check out the Web site for Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (www.pflag.org) for additional support and information--though if you're now telling your parents you aren't a lesbian, you might not want to give them PFLAG info at the moment!

Given how vulnerable you sound right now, I'd discourage you from coming out to your crush, unless you have good reasons to believe she'll be cool about it. Consider the potential negative consequences to you if she doesn't take this info well. Before taking any actions, please call our help line so you can speak with someone who will definitely understand and accept you. They can help you decide what your best options might be right now.--Trevor

Dear Trevor,

I have been bi for a few years and I've been called a "fag" and "queer" by strange people. I've got to know if there is someone who can help me.

Signed, Alex (age 18, Elizabethtown, Ky.)

It stinks that there are people who are mean to lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transgenders and who resort to name-calling. To be treated this way is painful for anyone that experiences it. Writing to "Dear Trevor" is an important step in learning how to deal with people like this.

Talking with other gay and bisexual youth who have had to deal with being the object of name-calling or violence can be very helpful. Online, you can look for LGBT groups near you by searching the Queer America database (www.queeramerica.com). Simply enter your area code or zip code and hit "search"! Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG), a national group that supports gay people and their families, has a listing of local chapters on its Web site (www.pflag.org). You might find a group that holds a meeting in your hometown. You can also look for a Metropolitan Community Church (www.mccchurch.org) or Unitarian Universalist Association (www.uua.org) in your area. Both are houses of worship that welcome LGBT people.

Of course, I also recommend that you call the Trevor Helpline at (866) 4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386). Our counselors can help you talk through your feelings about being called names or threatened. They might also have some good tips on what to do the next time it happens. You are not alone in your frustration. There are resources and people out there to support you.

Dear Trevor,

I am really struggling with feelings of being gay, and I'm afraid I might never accept myself.

Signed, Jessica (age 16, San Antonio)

You are not alone in struggling with feelings of being gay and in having concerns about accepting yourself. It's unfortunate that accepting oneself as gay is often a difficult task because of the destructive messages that we receive about homosexuality from people and institutions that may be ignorant, narrow-minded, or bigoted. When you are confronted with this negative view of homosexuality, it may make you unaware of or miss the positive aspects of the LGBT community. Some examples of these include LGBT people who are in long-term, loving relationships; a sense of community with other LGBT folks; and gay men and women in the public eye (Ellen DeGeneres, the musician Rufus Wainwright, congressman Barney Frank, and many more) who are open about and proud of their sexual orientation.

Because of these conflicting views, it can take time and work to become more comfortable and accepting of yourself. Some people find it helpful to speak with other gay people about issues of sexual orientation and acceptance. I would suggest that you call the Trevor Helpline at (866) 4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386), where you will be able to speak with someone who is aware of and sensitive to the struggles you are dealing with. If you feel comfortable, they can refer you to gay resources in your area. Please don't feel that you need to process this alone.