The Sissy Awards

Sissy Political Party -- The Republicans If there's one thing right-wing pols like better than blocking gay rights, it's having gay sex. And 2007 gave us multiple orgasms: U.S. senator Larry Craig introduced us to the term "wide stance" when he was busted in a Minnesota airport for putting the moves on an undercover cop in the next stall. Craig pled guilty but held on to his seat (no, the one in the Senate). National Association of Evangelicals president Ted Haggard, outed as a regular customer by a gay hustler, magically became heterosexual after just three weeks in rehab. Lindsay Lohan would kill her dealer for results like that. Glenn Murphy Jr., newly elected chair of the Young Republican National Federation, resigned in August after his arrest for performing oral sex on a sleeping acquaintance. In 1998 he'd committed a similar crime on a dude whose girlfriend was in the same room! Florida state representative Bob Allen offered to pay an undercover cop $20 to let Allen give him a blow job in a restroom. Preferring to play it racist rather than gay, Allen claimed he'd acted out of fear of the African-American men hanging out nearby. Result: He looked racist, gay, and stupid. Allen had been John McCain's presidential campaign cochair for Florida.

Sissy Extracurricular Activity of the Year -- Public bathroom sex Jim Naugle, mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., lobbied his city to spend $250,000 on "robo-toilets" in order to discourage gay men from having sex in public restrooms. Naugle said he was fighting to keep gays from taking over the city. Only two problems with that reasoning: There'd been no recent arrests for sex in restrooms, and anyway, Jim, it's not so much gay men in all those stalls -- it's guys like the 20 men arrested in one month at a New York roadside restroom. Nineteen of them (including a Rotary Club president) were married. The 20th? A Catholic priest.

Sissy Vacation Destination -- Fort Lauderdale Gay visitors to the Florida vacation spot have more to worry about than automated pissoirs. You might get verbally queer-bashed at the airport. In May, as a law professor and his partner waited for their luggage, a voice on the P.A. system started reading from Leviticus, saying, "A man who lies with another man as he would a woman is subject to death." The mystery evangelist did not share the Bible's views about parking in a red zone.

Sissy Grandpa -- Vice President Dick Cheney Mary Cheney had a baby in May, and Mary's proud papa huffed to interviewers that any questions about the blessed event were "out of line." Does the VP know his alleged boss referred to Mary and her partner, Heather Poe, as the child's "parents" on the White House website?

Second Verse, Sissy as the First -- Pope Benedict XVI It wouldn't be a sissy roundup without the pederast enablers at the Vatican. Prada-wearing devil Pope Benedict XVI reminded us that the Roman Catholic Church's opposition to gay marriage is "nonnegotiable," and an archbishop kicked in that same-sex marriage is "evil." Meanwhile a Vatican monsignor, caught on hidden camera making advances to a youth, claimed that he was only pretending as part of his ministry. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

Sissy Word of the Year -- FAGGOT! An oldie but a goodie, this epithet had a banner year in 2007. Isaiah Washington allegedly used the word on the set of Grey's Anatomy, definitely used it at the Golden Globes telecast, then went into "gay rehab" and hired a gay publicist. Results: Washington got fired, GLAAD got a new celebrity PSA, and classy costar T.R. Knight got better story lines. Media opportunist Ann Coulter hurled the f taunt at John Edwards, leading to a public smackdown from the awesome Elizabeth Edwards and, regrettably, lots more TV time for Coulter. CBS Sports college basketball announcer Billy Packer -- who, with a name like that, obviously has issues -- used the term "fag out" on Charlie Rose. Rose's viewers were so shocked they woke up.

Sissy Candy of the Year -- Snickers Remember this fun Super Bowl commercial? Two mechanics eat a Snickers bar from opposite ends and wind up accidentally meeting in a kiss. Ew! To restore the manly vibe, one of them slams a car hood down on his buddy's head. On the Snickers website folks enjoyed three other versions of the ad, all violent, plus clips of Super Bowl players watching the spots and making faces of disgust when the dudes kiss. Sweet!

Sissy Sportsman of the Year -- Tim Hardaway When retired NBA player John Amaechi came out, ex-player Tim Hardaway favored a radio interviewer with the following: "Well, you know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known, I don't like gay people. I don't like to be around gay people. Yeah, I'm homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world for that or in the United States for that. So yeah, I don't like it." Hardaway later said he's sorry. But we knew that already.

Sissy Cinema -- Tie: Wild Hogs and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry Because you can't really choose between a midlife-crisis movie about four suburbanites who love to wear leather and ride motorcycles but are TOTALLY IN NO WAY GAY and a comedy about two straight firemen who get civil-unionized for the health benefits but are TOTALLY IN NO WAY GAY.

Sissy Celebrities -- Mark Wahlberg and John Travolta Of course, actors were perfectly capable of saying stupid things even if they weren't appearing in awful movies: Former underwear model Mark Wahlberg says he turned down the chance to be in Brokeback Mountain because the script "creeped him out." Mind you, this is the guy who said yes to Four Brothers and The Truth About Charlie. Wild Hogs star John Travolta told the press there was "nothing gay" about Hairspray. Except its gay director. And the gay director of the original movie. And the gay men who wrote the songs. And several of its stars.

Sissy Stud -- Marine Corporal Matt Sanchez The Iraq War vet became a right-wing poster boy when he complained about being silenced by student activists at Columbia University. After he posed for pictures with the sulfur-reeking Ann Coulter and took his conservative-victim shtick to Fox News, it turned out Sanchez was already a celebrity in gay circles -- as man-on-man porn star Rod Majors and as (shades of Jeff Gannon) an escort. Shut up!

Sissy Waste of Space -- Paris Hilton Arrests aside, it was still a spotty year for the heiress (and onetime grand marshal of the Los Angeles gay pride parade). In early 2007 an old tape surfaced in which she used both the n and f words; in September, paparazzi video showed Hilton stepping into a puddle and observing, "Oh, my God, I have, like, AIDS."

Sissy Bloviator -- Bill O'Reilly Fox's star windbag keeps claiming he "gets it" about gays. Oh, really? Check out these O'Reilly insights: There's a "national underground network" of lesbians terrorizing the nation, raping women, randomly attacking hetero men, and indoctrinating young girls. (O'Reilly later admitted this was "overstated.") It was "insane" and "inappropriate" for the San Diego Padres to host a gay pride night at the same game where kids under 12 got free hats. "Thousands of gay adults showed up and commingled with straight families," he reported. J.K. Rowling is a "provocateur" for saying that Harry Potter's Professor Dumbledore is gay. Huffed O'Reilly: "Many parents are worried in America about the gay agenda and indoctrination of their children to see homosexuality in a certain way." (In this same segment, O'Reilly had to be told that Rowling is a woman.)

Stop-the-Presses Sissies -- The Hollywood Reporter and Reuters Both tried to yank THR writer Ray Richmond's obituary of Merv Griffin because it discussed Griffin's homosexuality -- the worst-kept secret in show business outside Kenny Rogers's face-lifts.

Sissy Internationale -- Mahmoud Ahmadinejad At a speech at Columbia University, the Iranian president claimed that his country had no homosexuals. Not true, actually -- but not for lack of trying on Ahmadinejad's part.

Four-star Sissy -- Gen. Peter Pace During his tenure as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Pace called homosexuality "immoral" and compared it to adultery. Pace did not comment on rumors that his mother wears combat boots.

Senatorial Sissy -- Dianne Feinstein Whatever mojo the California senator got out of shakily announcing the murder of Harvey Milk officially expired when the right-leaning Democrat -- "Joe Lieberman in a dress," to some wags -- jumped the aisle and approved the nomination of Judge Leslie Southwick for the fifth circuit court of appeals. Southwick had advocated removing gay parents' biological children from their homes.

Supersissy -- Spirit Warriors After Marvel Comics finally stopped slapping an adults-only label on any comic book with a gay or lesbian character, born-again actor Stephen Baldwin -- a.k.a. the boring Baldwin -- promoted his crappy Jesus-y graphic novel Spirit Warriors in this press release: "With the most prominent comic book company lightening up its rating system, how can parents be sure their youngsters won't get their hands on age-inappropriate material?"

Shabbat Sissies -- Haredi Rabbis and Followers After extremist rabbis from the Eda Haredit sect put a curse on Jerusalem Pride, a Jerusalem city council member and representative of the city's gays and lesbians received death threats; his phone number had been posted on Haredi Web forums. Moments before the pride parade began, police arrested an ultra-Orthodox Jewish man carrying an explosive device.

"Who Would Jesus Smear?" Sissies -- Focus on the Family and the American Family Association When former Joint Chiefs chairman John Shalikashvili came out against "don't ask, don't tell," the good folks at Focus and AMA painted the U.S. Army general as a dupe of homosexual activists who took advantage after he suffered a debilitating stroke. The stroke, alas, happened in 2004.