"In
light of the fundamental nature of the substantive rights
embodied in the right to marry--and their central
importance to an individual's opportunity to
live a happy, meaningful, and satisfying life as a
full member of society--the California Constitution
properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic
civil right to all individuals and couples, without
regard their sexual orientation." --Ronald
George, California Chief Justice
I'll never
forget when I learned of the California Supreme
Court's historic decision to overturn the ban
on marriage between gay and lesbian couples. A group
of us were in my office at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian
Center at 10 a.m., nervously waiting for the opinion to be
posted on the Court web site. As soon as we learned
that justice had prevailed, it was as if our community
had won the World Series, the Superbowl and Wimbledon
all at once. I cheered, I cried, I ran up and down the halls
spreading the news and hugging everyone within reach.
Then I called the people I love most in the world, my
partner of more than 16 years, Gina M. Calvelli, and
my Mom.
Finally. Finally
I would be able to legally marry the person I have
chosen to spend my life with.
Of course, from
my perspective as a "professional homosexual,"
the moment was one of almost unprecedented power.
Given the status of marriage in our society and the
influence of California, this is among the most
important victories in our entire civil rights movement.
What I
hadn't expected was the power of the moment
personally. I had never questioned whether gay and
lesbian people should have the right to marry. But,
like many of us, I had mixed emotions over the years about
joining a flawed and failing heterosexual institution.
In time it became
clear to me that such concerns did not resonate with
most LGBT people. All of us grew up knowing that marriage
was what people who loved each other did. No matter
the failure rate, no matter the sexism, it was the
central social institution in our lives. Everyone
understands what it means to be married. The same cannot be
said about what it means to be "domestic
partnered."
Ultimately, my
perspective evolved. After Gina and I survived a difficult
separation, we felt stronger than ever. As marriage became
legal in other countries, we began to talk about tying
the knot. But because it wouldn't be legal
here, it seemed meaningless. We already had the commitment.
What we wanted was legal equality.
But once the
prospect of marriage became real in California, I was
surprised by how it made me feel. And how others reacted.
Once Gina and I
announced our wedding plans, we felt giddy. Our family
members on both sides were thrilled and began making travel
plans to attend the festivities. My brother was so
excited when we visited him the week after the
decision that he greeted us with a celebratory bottle of
champagne. A straight friend's four-year-old son
wanted to know if we were now going to have a baby!
While nothing in
our relationship had really changed, suddenly everything
was different. Straight friends and family--especially
the kids--now had a context they understood.
Though they had fully accepted us before, they were
now able to welcome us to the "real"
institution. The one they enjoy. They were almost
happier for us than we were for ourselves!
Our LGBT friends
are thrilled too. Congratulations and support flowed our
way. Of course, Gina and I don't need a legal
marriage to make our relationship real. We've
weathered the tough times and are in it together for
life, whether the government treats us fairly or not.
Still, something
has changed for us now. And it's not just the fun
we're having referring to each other as
"fiancee" or the way we're being
treated or the fascinating ups and downs of the wedding
planning process. What we are preparing for feels very
serious; like we're on a different path now.
I'm still trying to figure out exactly why.
Regardless, I intend to enjoy it all.
But my enjoyment
is tempered by my concern about the future. Because even
as we celebrate, individually and as a community, a question
hangs over our heads: How long will it last?
In less than five
months, California voters will face a ballot measure
that would once again deny gay and lesbian people the
fundamental right to marry the person of our choice.
The easy answer is to get angry. After all,
it's wrong to put anyone's fundamental
freedoms up for a vote. But the right answer is to get
busy--and defeat this measure in November.
The good news is
that we've got a case to make to the vast majority of
voters--regardless of how they may feel about marriage
for gay and lesbian couples. After all, you
don't have to love the concept of marriage
equality to believe that the laws of our state
shouldn't single people out for unfair
treatment. Or that the government has no business telling
adults who they can and cannot marry, just like it has no
business telling people what we can do in the privacy
of our own homes. Or that we don't need more
government in our private lives. Our case is both simple
and universal: Gay or straight--we all deserve
fundamental fairness. We all should have the same
rights and freedoms, the same right to personal
privacy and the same right to decide for ourselves how to
live and who to love.
The freedom to
marry is fundamental, like the freedom of religion and the
freedom of speech. Those freedoms must be
protected--not just by our community--but
by all who enjoy them. As the Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr.
taught, "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice
everywhere."
Someday, everyone
will accept the committed, loving relationships in our
community as the wonderful, affirmations of life we all know
them to be. Unfortunately, Election Day won't
be that day. But it can be a day when voters
declare--once and for all--that our Constitution
protects everyone equally. That it protects the
privacy of every Californian. And that it lets every
one of us decide for ourselves who to love and who to marry.
Someday, we will
win their hearts. Until then, let's make sure we win
their votes.
Let's not
just celebrate on June 17. Let's make it last a
lifetime.
Jean is the CEO of the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center.