Portia, Ellen, and Gay
Dating Advice to Avoid

Portia de Rossi was on Ellen this week. I'd say "insert joke here," but Jay Leno already did that obvious bit when Portia popped across the parking lot to be on The Tonight Show later in the week. (Note to readers who actually care: Ellen and Jay tape a stone's throw away from each other. This is the kind of fascinating insider information you can only get from a person like myself who's driven out to the Burbank IKEA many, many times.)

So Portia has a new sitcom to promote called Better Off Ted that I haven't watched yet. But it's out there to be seen, and so suddenly there was a reason for the momentous occasion of visiting her wife's talk show for the first time. And they were adorable together. I can't remember a thing they talked about besides how sweet they think the other one is and about how Portia is absolutely not with child. And when she went over to Jay's side of the neighborhood she said the same thing ("Do I look fat?" was the question she offered as a response), and then told him how nice it was to be on Ellen's show. That's your gay meta moment of the week: one lesbian on a talk show talking about how nice it was to be on the other lesbian's talk show just the other day. If you watch the episodes back to back, it's like a Raymond Carver short story come to life.

Ellen and Portia's marital bliss was, for me, trumped by gay dating tips from Patti Stanger of Bravo's Millionaire Matchmaker . Patti's job is getting followed by cameras as she fixes up creepy straight people who want to marry for money. But she doesn't discriminate. I was really excited to hear her talk to the ladies on The View about her show's upcoming gay episode, where she will attempt to marry off creepy homosexuals who want to marry for money. It hasn't aired yet, but I live in a kind of dreadful anticipation.

Meanwhile, Patti's got tips for you, Mr. Lesbian and/or Miss Gay Thing, posted on the Bravo site. Someone pointed a camera at her and said, "OK, riff on what you know about gay dating. Give the kids some love tips." And here's what she saidaEUR|

I've watched this clip at least five times now and I've decided that what happened after they told her the topic was that she mental-Rolodexed back to that time she was in the audience for a gay open-mike night at the Chuckle Hut in Van Nuys and just decided to steal those jokes.

Doesn't she watch TheL Word ? Lesbians bring fancy handbags to dates now, not U-Hauls. I also really appreciate the breadth of her knowledge about all three lesbians in the media. She's apparently never heard of Rosie O'Donnell. Or Rachel Maddow. Or Suze Orman. Or, or, oraEUR|

But that's a minor quibble when you live in a state of gratitude for wisdom like how it's much more socially acceptable to be a gay man than it is to be a lesbian and about how tough it is for women to even know who the other lesbians are because, you know, which one is a real dyke and which one just left her husband because she wanted a fling? It can be so confusing for you ladies. And then there's how you're all so invisible, hiding in libraries and pet shelters across America, clutching tear-stained, dog-eared copies of The Well of Loneliness close to your depressed, flattened, man-attention-bereft bosoms. Patti thinks you should get out there and network! Do some gay activism about something! Get involved with a memorandum! The topic of the memorandum is up to you. Be creative.

And thank you, Patti, for reminding us gay guys that "AIDS is still available." I was about to order a Snuggie and one of those Pocket Sandwich Makers, but now I think I'll just get some AIDS instead. It's free, after all. And if that wasn't enough, she's also a scientist. I had no idea so much estrogen was coursing through my veins, trouncing that darn testosterone's best efforts to make a real man out of me, but Patti knows things we regular folks don't.

And apparently the lady juice is winning, too, which is why it hurts so much to even type this column. My wrists are weak and limp from lack of man-hormones I so desperately need, while straight men everywhere are smashing down brick walls with their monster erections.

Should my 13-year-old relationship ever destruct, I'll be calling Patti for advice on how to find a man -- if I can manage to lift the phone to my ear.

Finally, what follows is a partial transcript of Andy Samberg's appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live to promote I Love You, Man .

Jimmy Kimmel: "You play a homosexual gentleman in the film." Andy Samberg: "Yes. Yes." Jimmy Kimmel: "What did you do to research the role?" Andy Samberg: "I mainly just, like, boned a bunch of dudes." Jimmy Kimmel: "Well, you're an actor." Andy Samberg: "I am an actor. And that is my craftaEUR| I mean, really well, too, I boned them really well. I didn't cut corners."

Dear Andy Samberg,

I love you, man.

Sincerely, Dave White