Talkin' All Dumb With Carrie Prejean

My new favorite show, Talkin' All Dumb With Carrie Prejean, was on yesterday, and it was so good. I hope you didn't miss it.

But if you did, here's her comedy monologue and my own thoughts about the really important and moving things she said. I've cut it down to eliminate the less awesome stuff about her tits and Photoshop and exploitation and basically everything that wasn't about how much she's upset at big meanies who yell at her about her belief in "opposite marriage" and such as.

Everything she says will be in italics. Everything I say will be IN CAPS LIKE I'M YELLING BECAUSE THAT'S KIND OF HOW SHE MAKES ME FEEL ANYWAY, ALIVE WITH LOUDNESS AND EXCITEMENT.

Thank you all for coming. First of all, I would just like to thank Mr. Trump for believing in me and for allowing me to continue as Miss California USA. Second of all, I would like to thank the Miss California Organization for their support thus forward [ sic ]. And again, for believing in me and believing in women and the empowerment of women and how women can really make a difference in the world [ sic ].

ESPECIALLY IN THE SWIMSUIT PORTION. AND UNLESS YOU ARE A LESBIAN. THEN YOU SHOULD STOP TALKING BACK SO MUCH AND LISTEN TO THE PRETTY CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL GIRL WHO LOOKS LIKE MARLA MAPLES AND COULD POSSIBLY UNSEAT THE CURRENT MRS. TRUMP IF SHE PLAYS HER CARDS WELL. THE PRETTY CHRISTIAN HETEROSEXUAL GIRL SHOULD BE THE BOSS OF EVERYONE. THAT'S NATURAL SELECTION. IT'S THIS THING THEY HAVE IN SCIENCE.

So I just want to thank both of you for that. I would like to thank the Miss Universe Organization for allowing me to be here today in New York City. I would like to thank the thousands of Americans who have sent letters, sent e-mails, messages. I cannot count the number of fan mail [ sic ] that I've received in the past three weeks, just the people expressing their support of me. They've confided in me that they have found hope and inspiration in my story. I want to thank my mom and dad, who are here with me today.

SHE GETS CHOKED UP HERE, WHICH IS ALWAYS AN EDGY MOVE FOR A STAND-UP COMIC, BUT THAT'S WHAT MAKES HER SO DARING AND VALUABLE. IT'S LIKE I'M WATCHING ANDY KAUFMAN.

And my sister. She is serving in the United States Air Force. I would like to thank her. Thank you, sis, if you're listening. And most importantly, I would like to thank God for trusting me with this large task and giving me the strength to stand by my beliefs. Three weeks ago I was asked a politically charged question with a hidden personal agenda.

THIS IS A FACT. NO ONE UP TO THAT POINT EVEN KNEW THAT PEREZ HILTON WAS GAY.

I answered my question honestly and sincerely from my heart. I was very careful to articulate in saying that I did not want to offend anybody and that this is how I was raised and this is what I believe a marriage should be, between one man and one woman. I was given a question asking for my opinion and I stated my honest belief. Not only do I hold this belief, but as Mr. Trump said, the president of the United States, the secretary of state, and many Americans agree with me in this belief .

ANOTHER FACT. DID YOU VOTE FOR THAT DUDE? I KNOW, ME TOO. I THINK I'LL WAIT UNTIL HE FIXES THE ECONOMY SO WE ALL DON'T DISINTEGRATE AND STARVE TO DEATH OR RESORT TO CANNIBALISM BEFORE I GET ANNOYED BY HOW DUMB I WAS TO VOTE FOR A GUY WHO DOESN'T THINK I SHOULD BE MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND. BUT AFTER THAT FIRST THING IS SETTLED I'M GOING TO BEGIN YELLING ABOUT HOW WE'RE BEING BETRAYED BY OUR LEADERS. AGAIN.

Immediately after the pageant, judge number 8 began a cultural firestorm in the media. It went national.

THIS IS WHERE A TRANSCRIPT ISN'T QUITE ENOUGH BECAUSE HER EMPHASIS ON THE WORD "NATIONAL" HAD A REALLY AMAZING "DUN-DUN-DUUUHHHHN" QUALITY TO IT THAT PROVES HOW DRAMATIC AND NUANCE-SAVVY A PUBLIC SPEAKER SHE CAN BE.

As he was trying to be self-promoting and hateful while I have remained silent since, I am honored to be here today to finally let my voice be heard and address the hateful attacks, despicable rumors, and false allegations I have had within the last three weeks.

HUH?

To be standing here today on behalf of the great state of California and the greatest country in the world is by the grace of God. Being at the center of a media firestorm is not something that I had planned or signed up for. But the days since have taught me to stand up for what you believe in regardless of the consequences, personal attacks, or disagreements. aEUR"I am a strong woman, and because of that I am now able to move forward and be the best Miss California USA that I can be. I'm excited to fulfill my duties and continue serving the great state of California.

AWESOME. I COULD REALLY USE SOME HELP GETTING READY FOR MY HUSBAND'S BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS WEEKEND. ON TOP OF THAT WE'VE GOT FAMILY COMING INTO TOWN SOON AND THE HOUSE IS A MESS. THE CAR COULD USE AN OIL CHANGE TOO, AND YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT CAN TAKE WHEN YOU HAVE TO WAIT IN LINE AT JIFFY LUBE. WOULD YOU MIND RUNNING AND DOING THAT FOR ME? AND BRING BACK SOME LUNCH FROM REAL FOOD DAILY? I'LL HAVE THE TEMPEH BURGER.

Let me be clear. I am not an activist or anything, nor do I have a personal agenda. I was thrown into this firestorm from the time I was asked the question onstage. I have become an advocate for the importance of not redefining marriage based upon my own upbringing and beliefs. While I'm not the most vocal proponent of traditional marriage, it appears by my singular response I have become the most visible. I am proud to be an American; I'm proud of the freedoms we enjoy because of the brave men and women serving this great country and who have served. My grandfather served under General Patton during World War II and is someone I admire greatly. He never spoke about the Battle of the Bulge that he participated in as a rifleman or the honorary medals he received because of his bravery, but he did speak about the freedoms he fought for and taught me to never back down and never let anyone take those freedoms away from you.

SHE GETS ALL CHOKED UP AGAIN AT THIS PART WHEN SHE THINKS ABOUT HOW PRECIOUS IT IS TO HAVE THE FREEDOM TO DENY OTHER PEOPLE FREEDOM AND HOW UNFREE SHE'D FEEL IF SOMEONE TOOK AWAY HER FREEDOM TO DO THAT.

On April 19 on that stage, I exercised my freedom of speech, and I was punished for doing so.

PUNISHMENT = BEING CALLED ON YOUR BULLSHIT. LOOK IT UP. THAT'S THE DICTIONARY TALKING, NOT CARRIE P.

This should not happen in America.

HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW

It undermines the constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought for [ sic ].

SEE: "HAW HAW HAW HAW HAW" COMMENT ABOVE. THEN SHE TALKS ABOUT HER FORMER, SMALLER, NONAUGMENTED TEENAGE BREASTS AND WHY IT'S WRONG FOR YOU TO LOOK AT THEM BECAUSE THEY WERE PHOTOSHOPPED. IT'S BORING, THIS PART, SO I CHUCKED IT.

I am excited to continue my duty as Miss California USA. All I want to be able to do is tell my story, which no one can take away from me. Not everyone may like me or agree with me, but I hope at the end of the day everyone can respect my rights as I respect theirs.

EXCEPT NOT. SHE LIKES TO FLIP THE SCRIPT AND KEEP YOU GUESSING WHERE SHE'S GOING TO LAND THE PUNCH LINE.

And together we can bring back civility back to our social and cultural discussions. I am convinced now more than ever of the importance of standing up for your beliefs and convictions. For everyone out there listening, do not be silenced. Take this story of mine and apply it to your own life. I hope I have inspired others to maintain compassion, civility, respect, and tolerance while staying true to your convictions and to never, ever compromise your beliefs in the pursuit of his or her own goals, regardless of the consequences. I want to share this message. I am a representative of my generation. Young adults and teenagers are greatly impacted by both media and culture, and I want to encourage them to maintain their integrity and not concede their values because of what they see or hear going on around them. It is this message that I will incorporate into my Miss California USA duties, as the pageant has embraced my message of recognizing and respecting diversity.

YES! DIVERSITY! LIKE WHEN YOU HAVE THE SAME TOP IN LOTS OF DIFFERENT COLORS.

Think about how much better our society would be if we could just agree to disagree and show respect. As I wrap it up today, I want to reaffirm my commitment to the Miss California USA Organization as we all come together in mutual faith and fair dealing. It has been a long journey for me, as you all know.

WEEKS, IN FACT, AND THAT IS LOTS AND LOTS OF DAYS. HUNDREDS PROBABLY.

But through all of this, I stand here before you today a stronger woman than I was yesterday. And I am proud of that. Thank you very much.

ISN'T SHE GREAT? AND OK YES, I'M GOING to stop with the all-caps thing now so that you can readjust your eyes. But I want all fans of amazing television to understand that my new favorite show is already in danger of being canceled, thanks to the new spirit of compromise and forgiveness that I see happening all around her.

I mean you know it won't last, but for now it's a little disheartening to hear that she's hinting at the possibility that she's not going to be a spokeswoman for the National Organization for Marriage and may bore us all by resuming her original task of speaking on behalf of handicapped children and fulfilling her actual duties as Miss California. I'd keep writing about that stuff, but I'm afraid that if I do, I might fall asleep at the keyboard.

Because, frankly, it should not be allowed to happen. Not in America, just like C.P. said. I need daily perky smugness and condescension and I need them from a pretty, pretty lady. And if she really decides to turn around and play nice with the Miss California Pageant people, who benefits? No one. It's selfish of her if she turns off the torrent of bad syntax and idiot opinions. Did Anita Bryant go gently into obscurity? No, she did not. These kids today are just lazy. Donald Trump, DO SOMETHING.