Counter to the
culture

The idea came to me in 2001 while sitting in a Los Angeles jail cell next to a passed-out transvestite. I had just been busted for driving under the influence and had 12 long hours to read over my arrest papers and think.

First, I decided I was going to sober up and come out. That left me with another 11 hours and 30 minutes to think about what followed. Then it hit me: I was going to have sex only with a guy I cared for.

Before that night in the Hollywood jail I had slept solely with women--all of them were one-night stands, and I was never happy about them the next morning. That I was actually gay had little to do with that feeling. I just didn't like using someone purely to satisfy my own lust and then never seeing her afterward. So with an unconscious transvestite as my witness, I pledged that night to never use people sexually again. And "the big idea," as I coined it, was born.

During my first year of sobriety I mentioned the big idea to a few close friends who were sober and gay. All of them had the same advice: "Wait for the special guy."

OK, I said to myself, I'll wait. But I never imagined I'd have to wait this long. I've been sober for nearly six years now. I still haven't slept with a guy--though there have been prospects. The problem seems to be that I'm operating on a totally different wavelength from the guys I dig. We chat, exchange phone numbers, but as soon as they realize that I want to date first then have sex, I never hear from them again.

The last time this happened I was so hurt, confused, and disappointed that I began to question the big idea. Maybe there's a middle ground, I thought. Maybe there's a better way to handle this sex thing. I thought about it over and over, and I still think about it, to tell the truth.

There are a couple of core beliefs I can't shake that are crucial to the big idea. First, I want to have the best sex, and it seems to me that mutual caring and respect--when you actually know the person and really like the whole person--are essential ingredients for mind-blowing sex.

Second, if I just go for the sex, I know I'll feel cheap and dirty, as I used to feel after a one-night stand. I will feel as if I sold out my integrity, and that doesn't cut it with me anymore. After 17 years of drinking I never want to sell myself out again. I expect the best from myself. And I want the important people in my life--especially my boyfriend--to expect the best from themselves.

Of course, there are times when I wonder if I should lighten up. God knows I want to have sex and a lot of it. And sometimes I feel I'm missing out on something fantastic that everyone else seems to be enjoying. But I have never been a guy who follows the crowd. In fact, I usually run opposite to where the crowd is going. It works, for the most part. And who knows? Maybe I'll meet the right guy running in the same direction.