In Atlanta, you don't see see many "NEG 4 NEG" or "NEG ONLY" Grindr profiles, at least not in midtown. The queer community here lives in the backyard of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and is generally well-educated on HIV, PrEP, and the dangers of pozphobia. The city is a comfortable spot of blue (and a bright swatch of rainbow) in the middle of a red, red state.
Georgia again went full-on Republican on that miserable Electoral College map November 8. Before that night, I told myself I would never write statements of blanket refusal to a certain demographic on my Scruff or Grindr profile -- I've been hurt in the past by "NEG 4 NEG" guys who turned me down without a second thought because of my HIV status. Before that night, I dismissed guys with "Whites Only," "No Asians," and "No Blacks" on their profiles. I dismissed them as a shrinking minority populace with no political clout. I assumed they were "gay bros" who didn't vote and didn't know the first thing about politics. I imagined they spent their weekends drinking vodka sodas and having sad vanilla sex with other "MASC ONLY" gay bros, playing video games, and talking about how much they hate vaginas.
I was wrong. Many of them did vote. And they voted for Donald Trump. After November 8, I wrote my first-ever blanket refusal: No Republicans. If you voted for Trump, block me.
Here are my 10 reasons why.
I don't date racists.
Even if you say you're not a racist, you still voted a racist into the most powerful political seat in the world. You're responsible for that. That's your fault. You are racist by association, by support. If you think for a minute that Donald J. Trump isn't racist, the president-elect has appointed Steve Bannon, former chariman of Breitbart, as chief strategist.
Bannon, a proud member of the so-called alt-right, spent the past four years turning Breitbart, a terrifying rag of right-wing conspiracy theories and conservative fear-mongering, into a megaphone for white supremacists. Even longtime conservative pundit Glenn Beck called Bannon and the alt-right movement "terrifying."
I don't date misogynists.
Your president-elect assaults women. He has boasted about it. His female accusers are in the double digits. Out of respect of my sister and all the powerful women in my life, I will never fuck someone who deems this acceptable behavior in anyone, let alone the leader of the free world.
I don't date Islamophobes.
Anti-Muslim hate crimes have skyrocketed since the election, and already the nation's media has attempted to normalize these hate crimes (along with this horrible election) as something acceptable -- politics as usual. Trump's rhetoric and subsequent election -- a nationwide stamp of approval on his hate -- has brought out the worst in us: our fear of Muslims, our fear of the Middle East, and our fear of terror. These fears have unleashed, in turn, terrorists on our own shores: the white men and women who deem it acceptable to rip off women's hijabs, deface prayer rooms for Muslim students, and threaten the lives of peaceful Muslim Americans. Even if you don't consider yourself Islamophobic, you gave Islamophobia power and in doing so emboldened and encouraged those who are. There will be blood on your hands.
I don't date transphobic people.
I'm sick of meeting gay men who feel that we are in some way disconnected from the transgender rights movement and who believe we do not share a community with trans folk. If you're a gay man who deadnames trans celebrities and intentionally misgenders people who are trans, who mocks trans and gender-noncomforming folk and proliferates this hyper-misogynist brand of gay life in which you, cisgender gay man, are the center of the world, consider yourself blocked. You can spend the next four years comfortably cushioned from Mike Pence's hate and Donald Trump's sexism and not have a care in the world. You are allowed to blithely think only of yourself. Meanwhile, trans folk are scared. Trans people of color are scared.
[RELATED: 13 Ways Every Gay Man Can Be a Better Trans Ally]
Political differences are a deal breaker.
I have been asked the question about relationship "deal breakers" twice in memory. My answers have surprised people. Although we are in a tumultuous time, I think these are true in any year.
Age difference? Not a deal breaker. Religious differences? Not a deal breaker. Atheist and religious? Not a deal breaker. Serodiscordant? Totally not a deal breaker -- especially not in the age of PrEP. Sober and nonsober? Not a deal breaker. Different economic backgrounds? Not a deal breaker. Kinky and vanilla? Not a deal breaker -- as long as you're nonmonogamous. Monogamous and nonmonogamous? Deal breaker -- it's not going to work. One of you is out of the closet, one of you is in? Deal breaker -- you should never go back in the closet for someone, and if they love you they won't ask you to. Political differences? Deal breaker -- no questions asked.
I date people who question what they're told.
I don't think everyone who voted for Trump hates women and Muslims and LGBT people. I think many of them were simply following suit, doing what their families and friends were doing.
Here's a fact: Much of what you think has been taught to you. You are far less free than you think. When I think of a Trump voter, I think of a straight person who lives within 50 miles of where they were born and knows almost no queer people. They believe the articles their friends share on Facebook. They voted for Trump because everyone around them said, "Vote for Trump." To vote Democratic was never seen as an option.
Docile obedience and following orders doesn't make you innocent. Men were simply following orders when they rounded up Jews and carried them to concentration camps.
There is a fundamental difference in the way liberals and conservatives view the world.
Conservatism is built on restraint and fear -- fear of the future, fear of the decadent, fear of "moral collapse," fear of "other." I can't date someone who sees the world fearfully and sees restraint as a virtue. I can't imagine going through life thinking that there should be caps on pleasure, that less is more, that traditionalism is important. I don't wax nostalgic over a simpler past, because in the past, my people struggled for rights and died of disease.
I look to the future and I do not fear it -- not even with Donald J. Trump at the helm. I believe that progressiveness and liberalism as concepts are inevitable and are part of this forward arc that happens when information becomes more available, the world gets smaller, and markets go global. This is simply a swing back, one that we should have seen coming, and one that the excellent gay writer Michelangelo Signorile warned us about in his book It's Not Over. Liberals: Better days are ahead.
You voted for an autocrat.
You voted in a wannabe fascist with no respect for political process (the markings of an autocrat) who wants to restrict media. A hefty majority of his tweets since the election have been attacks on journalists for reporting the truth. He has no respect for the First Amendment, the Fourteenth Amendment, or the rule of law.
Self-loathing gays make awful bedmates.
The last guy I had sex with who I know voted for Trump (he wore his Trump T-shirt to the Savannah Pride Festival this year) was a tragic lay. "I'm not really into that," he said on repeat, scoffing at every sex act that wasn't vanilla. He hated most gay men who weren't "straight-acting," as he described himself, and told me "he wasn't into all that other weird stuff" -- meaning kink, BDSM, etc. He was slut-shamey and appalled at my high number of sex partners. It was not my best night.
You have to draw the line somewhere.
I'll fuck a Trump supporter, but I date men who support women and trans folk. I date men who ally themselves with Muslims and people of color, with immigrants (undocumented and otherwise) and Jews and everyone who's ever felt disenfranchised in our country.
This is for the guys who voted for Hillary.
I'm not a political writer, so I'm not sure how much I can help. But I invite everyone ruing this election and facing an uncertain future in this country -- particularly LGBT youth -- to wait until it's night time, step outside, and look up.
If the night is clear, you will see light beams that are millions of years old. Up there, our oldest questions as a species -- not "Who am I?" but "Who are we?" are met with cold indifference. I don't believe in God, so I take comfort in the fact that celestial bodies older than the earth move around up there, silent and unyielding, unnoticing of us. When I see them, they remind me that long before "America," we were here. Gay, straight, trans, gender fluid, intersex, queer. Women, people of every skin color and ethnicity and belief -- we've been here.
When I look at the stars, I am reminded how honored I am to sleep with others for warmth and safety. That's all I want out of life: to spend nights with people who make me feel strong and safe. That's enough.
Governments and leaders will come and go. Not one of them has successfully kept us from loving and fucking each other. Compared to that history, Donald Trump is nothing. Not even a blip. When his last tweet fades into the recesses of internet history, there will still be Muslims, Latinos, people of color, trans folk, and LGBT people living their authentic lives. He can't touch that. He can struggle against it like a child, but all he will leave in his wake is the future -- ours.
Take care, my darlings. We will get through this.
