A good jack-off falls somewhere between agony and prayer. Read more below.
A good jack-off falls somewhere between agony and prayer. In the shower, I make the same face Mary makes in Bernini sculptures. Panting, my face against the door, I nearly whisper, “Thank you, lord.”
Some people consider masturbation a second-tier sexual experience. We’ve all heard the “sad jack-off story.” After a night of fruitless cruising, your buddy settled for his hand.
There is a problem in the way we talk about self-pleasure. Self-care is often seen as shameful, embarrassing, or unimportant in our social-obsessed culture. But self-pleasure is something nearly everyone does, something everyone should do, and something we could all do better. Masturbation matters because your body matters. Because pleasure is healthy.
Let me lend a hand. Browse these 15 ways to get the most out of your solo time.
A Word of Warning From Alexander Cheves
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend.
1. Make time for yourself.
Do not let masturbation be a tired, last-minute ritual in the shower or before you fall asleep. Plan time for yourself in advance.
If you think jacking off is something lonely folks do on a Saturday night, reconsider. People set aside time for the gym, meal prep, video games, yoga, and other wellness rituals. Enjoying your body should be one of them.
2. Dress for the occasion.
Ever wonder why some people get into leather and rubber? Because it makes them feel sexy. There are a million different fetishized clothing items, from jockstraps to hosiery to full-body Lycra suits. Wear something that makes you feel aroused.
3. Pay for porn.
Don’t spend an hour searching tube sites. If you want to watch quality porn, pay for it. There are a lot of performers, directors, and behind-the-scenes folks working hard to help you get off. They don’t work for free.
4. Meditate.
Meditation (for me) means taking a few minutes out of my day to be quiet, breathe, listen to my thoughts, and disconnect. No one says you can’t do these things while getting off.
Some guys take masturbation-as-meditation to admirable lengths. They lay down blankets, oil up, use poppers, and spend a few hours exploring their bodies.
5. Visit a group masturbation night at your local sex club.
Most gay sex clubs have a scheduled night where you can only jack off — no sex allowed.
I dismissed “jacking nights” until I tried them — first in Los Angeles and again in Atlanta. The experience brought new appreciation of masturbation.
I have always considered masturabtion something private. The faces we make when we come are funny and intense and vulnerable. Sharing this with others is intense.
6. Get to the edge.
The ever-reliable Urban Dictionary defines edging as “coming nearly close to climax or ejaculation, then purposefully stopping sexual stimulation in order to delay the same, so that the ultimate climax will be more intense.”
In kink, edging is a scene that typically involves some form of restraint: tying up a willing submissive to where he can’t touch himself, then edging him close to orgasm before intentionally and abruptly halting to keep him from coming.
It gets so intense that the withheld orgasm becomes a form of erotic torture, particularly if the submissive is willing to be edged for many hours (usually with other forms of play like cock and ball torture, nipple play, and other delights).
7. Experiment with different lubes.
When I was writing this slideshow, I dropped questions into my Facebook newsfeed. How do you like to masturbate? How often? What lube do you like?
It seems most uncut guys do not use lube, since being uncircumcised eliminates the need for lube. According to my Facebook friends, most circumcised guys use spit or silicone lube, and one adorable cub from Chicago uses Albolene, a moisturizer that has been a jacking favorite for generations.
8. Rub your p-spot.
Straight and queer men everywhere are discovering the wonders of prostate stimulation. In fact, Lelo luxury adult toymaker has made male prostate massagers a prominent part of its global market.
Prostate massagers are short anal toys shaped in such a way that they rub or press on your prostate (typically a small bulbed head). The prostate is that come-inducing walnut located two or three inches inside your ass. The p spot is the most intense “g spot” for men. Stimulating this spot produces the hardest, most intense orgasms imaginable.
There may be some health benefits to using these toys, since many sources, including Livestrong and Natural News, report that p spot stimulation helps lower your risk of prostate cancer.
Go the extra mile and get one that vibrates — you’ll thank me.
9. Stretch.
Most guys like playing with their balls when they masturbate, but have you tried ball stretching?
Ball stretching is a fetish practice of gradually stretching your testicles to make them hang lower from your body. Most guys start ball stretching with stretchy, jelly ball stretchers. These are essentially smaller versions of stretchy, jelly cock rings.
From there, they work up to soft silicone ball stretchers, which are typically a bit more rigid. Other common materials for ballstretchers include TPR, PVC, and body-safe rubber. After ample practice, many guys work up to metal ones. Keep in mind that these are rings you wear around your scrotal sac to make your testicles hang lower.
Pro ball stretchers can wear stretchers that weigh over 1.5 pounds! This takes practice.
Legions of ball stretchers swear that the practice makes your orgasms signficantly harder and more intense. Guys who play with their balls (grab them, squeeze them) when they jack off will probably concur. While I’m not a pro, I’ve masturbated many times wearing soft silicone ball stretchers, and they’ve been among my most intense solo jack-off sessions.
If your interest is piqued, visit The Art of Ball Stretching by ball stretching aficionado Jarod Johansen.
Pictured: Fort Troff Magno Ballstretcher. (Adult content)
10. Feel the sound.
Sounding is the act of inserting a smooth, slightly curved soft or rigid rod into your urethra. These are called “sounding rods.” Only use a sounding rod designed explicitly for this.
Sounding must be done slowly, carefully, and preferably with the guidance of someone who has done it before. So find a local S&M bud and ask him to train your piss hole.
Sounding is essentially the act of plugging and stretching your urethra, particularly near the head of your dick. While it may sound cringeworthy and painful, many kinky men the world over love sounding and swear it delivers extremely hot solo sessions. Check out Mr. Racy’s guide to sounding.
11. Explore toyland.
I’m a toy guy. I love pushing ass limits and playing with toys. Once you can relax and train your hole with practice, you may discover that stretching the anal sphincter (your hole) feels really, really good. The only way to practice this is with toys (butt plugs in particular).
To go through all the wonderful sex toys out there would take another slideshow. Check out my top picks of sex toys every gay man should try.
12. Try new locations.
I love jerking off on airplanes, outdoors, and in the showers at the gym. Nontraditional masturbation locations amp up the intensity.
Respect others and be discreet (unless you’re at a cruisy gym and someone wants to watch you wank). Do not intentionally try to make someone see what you’re doing who doesn’t want to or doesn’t consent. This is molestation and can land you in jail.
13. In hooking up, change the way you view masturbation.
Don’t view masturbation as a way to salvage a failed hookup.
Your ass may not be adequately prepped. He may be having some emotional holdovers from his last relationship. Sometimes sex just doesn’t work. When this happens, we usually say, “Well, we can just jack off.”
Don’t ignore all the guys out there who are looking for playmates (on Scruff and Grindr) specifically and solely to beat off together.
14. Do something different every time you masturbate.
Make it a goal for the next month to do something different every time. Try a new lube or a new location or a new porn. This is how you will discover things you never knew you liked.
15. Create your greatest fantasy.
Masturbation is an exercise in imagination. Start with a scenario and focus on it intensely. If you lose focus, steer your mind back.
I don’t watch much porn. The last time I watched porn, I was directing it. Porn doesn’t do much for me.
In my head, I’m walking down a dark flight of stairs into the darkest underground sex club in Berlin. The stone walls and dark shadows are broken up with spare red lights hanging from the ceiling.
I’m climbing into a sling, getting hooded, and being group fucked and fisted by strangers. I guide myself to this place. I think of the texture of the cold stone and the grease and oil on it. I picture the grime on the rubber treads on the steps, the layer of dust coating the light bulbs, the wet and throaty sounds of bodies slapping against each other in the little rooms on both sides of the dark hallway. The air is hot and smells of poppers and sweat.
Desire and imagination are the tools of pleasure. Use them.
