13 Solo Sexual Experiences Every Gay Man Needs
Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy are sluts. In The Ethical Slut (a book every gay man should read) they write, “We believe ... that the fundamental sexual unit is one person; adding more to that unit may be intimate, fun, and companionable but does not complete anybody.”
Take heart, single guys. You don’t need anyone else to have sex, although you are certainly free to seek others for fun. Sexuality is a state we live in, not a specific activity for which your clothes come off. This simple concept liberates sex from its cultural conventions — conventions that favor athletic, able bodies and religious-based shame.
Here’s a list of solo sexual experiences every gay man needs.
1. Have awesome masturbation.
Masturbation is your time to push, please, and play with yourself. Your body can do a lot, endure a lot, and feel a lot. Don’t downplay the hand. My hand can do a lot. Yours can too.
Take masturbation to the next level — read my slideshow Masturbation Matters: 15 Better Ways to Get Off.
2. Shop the underwear section.
Countless queers first knew something was up in the underwear aisle. You were 8 years old, shopping with mom, and you chose a pack of briefs with a gorgeous model on the front. When you got home, you saved the package for as long as you dared. That’s how it starts.
Image courtesy of GruffPup.com.
3. Wear something that makes you feel sexy.
Guys into leather don’t just throw on a harness and go to Folsom. Before the leather festivals and kinky fun, they must first try on a harness and feel that tingle on the skin for the first time.
This typically happens in the privacy of their homes (or in a seedy changing room at a sex shop).
For some guys, rubber gives them that feeling. Others love fishnet stockings. Some guys get aroused in military uniforms. Many guys (including me) think business suits are the hottest outfit a man can wear. Wear something that makes you feel sexy.
4. Give a performance — for yourself.
Solo role play — whether it’s animal play (puppy play, kitty play, pony play) or some other form of role play — can be intensely erotic.
There are certain kinks you should not do solo. Bondage, autoerotic asphyxiation, needle play, and knife play are on this list. But nothing is keeping you from crawling on all fours around your apartment and barking like a dog. Read my list of role play fantasies you have to try here.
I sometimes get into forced feminization scenes, which involve a dominant/alpha forcing me into women’s clothing as a form of erotic degradation and fucking me while hurling insults and derogatory slurs. Because this turns me on, I’ve sometimes played dress-up as a prelude to a good solo toy play session.
Note: I am not trans, and this kink has nothing to do with being transgender. Being trans has nothing to do with performance, degradation, or sexual interests. Being trans has everything to do with someone’s authentic identity and the expression of their identity. There are many kinky transgender doms and subs who do not share my “forced feminization” kink. (And thankfully, there are some who do.)
5. Discover new interests in the wonderful world of porn.
Los Angeles-based sex therapist Chris Donaghue outlines 18 therapeutic uses for porn. His list includes the fact that porn “helps normalize diverse sex acts” and that porn aids masturbation, which “reminds people that solo sex is not controlled by their partner.”
Chris is a friend and fearless sex-positive crusader. Follow him on Twitter and hear his sex/dating advice on the podcast Loveline with Amber Rose.
Without porn, I would never have discovered my kinks. My kinky side is a rich and vital part of my life and has fostered my most valuable relationships. Thanks, internet.
6. Keep a sex journal.
This is where you record your best (and worst) experiences and write out your fantasies. No one will judge you in your sex journal.
Creating a judgment-free space for yourself is important, since so few spaces like this exist. Members of the kink and leather communities have a long history carving out judgment-free zones, but these spaces are rapidly vanishing. We are burdened now to create new ones.
The internet, a blog, and a private journal are free. The great thing about online space is its ability to connect you to thousands of people will similar interests all over the world — if you’re willing to make your fantasies public.
7. Get naked in nature.
Sex is an ancient animal activity. We’ve been doing it for as long as we’ve been crawling on this rock. Yes, even gay sex.
Homosexual behavior has been observed in over 1,500 animal species. While we can’t say for sure if these animals are permanently drawn to the same sex — biologists seem to stress the (seemingly arbitrary) difference between “homosexual behavior” and “homosexuality,” since many species of animals don’t exhibit same-sex behavior all the time — we also can’t say that about self-identified gay men, since sexuality is fluid in humans too.
(Others animals practice this sexual fluidity without labels. Should we follow suit?)
I love getting naked under the stars — when I can. It’s a ritual that reminds me of my place in the natural world, my smallness, and the awesomeness of my ancient sexuality.
8. Ride it, cowboy.
Getting fucked isn’t easy. You feel pressure to perform and nervousness about whether or not you’re “all good” down there — all while trying to relax enough to fully enjoy it.
Practice makes perfect. With practice, even devoted tops may find that bottoming feels really good.
Find a good dildo (read: soft, soft silicone or UR3 material, not those hard, veiny, ultra-realistic porn-star replicas you find in sex shops) and take a solo ride. Fuck yourself. Practice your speed and breathing.
9. The first time you tell yourself, “I’m gay.”
This moment is scary for all of us. But coupled with that fear is an eroticism you will never forget. We all come to that moment through desire.
I was flipping through a book of classical sculpture, learning about “history” and studying marble penises. There in the bookstore, it struck me: I wanted to see a cock. A real cock. That’s when I knew.
10. Your first erotic image.
I have a theory about the first erotic image. Anecdotally it seems to predict (or perhaps determine) the nature of one’s desires for years to come.
This isn’t to say that a picture can make you gay — you’re born gay. But you’re not necessarily born a gay man who thinks Alaskan fisherman are absurdly sexy or who gets turned on by the thought of someone licking your feet or the smell of pine.
I stumbled upon the book Rare Flesh by David E. Armstrong — a book of grotesque male photography, with accompanying poetry by Clive Barker — when I was 10 years old. Armstrong’s carnal depictions of men with erect, dripping cocks — positioned in contorted, aggressive poses — often feature devil horns, black tar, and mounted animal heads. Today, my nickname is “Beastly.”
11. Your first trip to the Castro.
Four years ago, I stepped off Muni and saw the Castro Theater for the first time.
I walked down the sidewalk in a daze. I was newly HIV-positive. At the time, I had a textbook understanding of my body. I knew the history of the AIDS epidemic, or at least what I had read. But being there made the stories true.
Suddenly it clicked: men much like me had lived and died so that I could take a couple pills (and now a single-pill regimen) every morning and live a long, happy life. The marches, the protests, the cruising, the police beatings. How many ghosts were walking with me?
The trip was nothing less than a sexual awakening.
12. A walk on the beach.
A solo walk on the beach is equal parts erotic and reflective. The beach is always a tease. You see beautiful, half-naked guys in the surf, and you can do nothing with that desire but carry it and reflect on it.
Years before I came out, I reflected on the notion of being gay one summer with my parents. The whole week I wanted to walk the beach by myself. They didn’t know what was going on, but I did.
I wanted to look at the beautiful men and ask myself over and over if this hunger was worth it — worth all the fights and crying and hurt that would surely come. By the time we left, I had an answer.
13. Have an unbridled imagination.
Your imagination is one territory out of bounds of censorship. You are free to fantasize (although you are not free to act on all fantasies).
Your fantasy world is a lifelong solo sexual experience. When I’m headed into work or hitting the gym or buying groceries, my fantasy world is running at full speed. Some people will try to police your thoughts or shame you for thinking this or that. They will project puritanical ideas on you. Some will even say God is watching your thoughts, so you must keep them “pure.”
You are free to choose and free to fantasize. If God is watching my thoughts, he’s getting free hard-core porn by the hour. You’re welcome, Lord.
