You may have hundreds or even thousands of sexual experiences in your life — I hope you do — but kisses are the ones you will remember. Read more below.
Sex writers frequently talk about the necessity of discerning between sex and love, affection and desire. Defining animalistic urges as separate from intellectual and emotional affection is vital and healthy for everyone. This discernment helps us navigate nonmonogamy, polyamory, and a plethora of open and semi-open relationships. Gay men are masters at understanding these distinctions. Our relationships often appear less like traditional hetero, two-person pairings and more like constellations, with playmates and partners spread out across a network — a family.
But kissing (often the first sex act people learn to do) seems to be one act where animal meets mental, desire meets devotion. Kisses are where sex and love collide. Browse these 17 ways to kiss a man from a man who’s kissed a few.
A word of warning from Alexander Cheves.
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend.
1. The friend kiss.
A kiss on the cheek — or a kiss on the lips, for more intimate friends — is how we say hello. One of the sweetest hallmarks of gay culture is the broad spectrum of intimacy within “friend.” It’s a loosely defined label, one I ascribe to my casual bar buddies and my greatest loves.
For queer men, “friends” include fuck buds, gym buds, daddies, mentors, lovers, handlers, boys, pups, sirs, subs, betas, alphas, exes, and old flames. Most friends get cheek kisses, while a small handful get a full-on lip lock (if they want one) before we launch into the cursory greeting: “How are you doing?” “Good, good.” Some have boyfriends; others are happily partnered.
A friend kiss doesn’t threaten their primary relationship(s) or lay claim over them. It’s just a greeting — one that says, “I think you’re awesome.”
2. The nervous kiss when you meet in person — not on an app.
Hookup apps are fun, but after years of using them, the meetings they foster begin to feel formulaic and predictable. When you meet a guy you chatted with on Scruff face to face, a kiss seems somewhat anticipated. Regardless if it’s a coffee date or a quick fuck, you know the script. A kiss is likely.
When you meet guys in person first — at the gym, at a bar, at the bodega on the corner, at the nearest ice cream shop — you’re off script. The kiss, if it happens, is nervous and filled with guesswork. Is he giving me “kiss face”? Who leans in first?
3. The app kiss.
Who cares if Grindr/Scruff meetings are predictable and formulaic? I’m not on apps to date. The Grindr kiss happens hard and fast before you bend over in the public stairwell of his apartment complex and get bred. What’s your name? Doesn’t matter — here’s my dick.
4. The date kiss.
He knocked it out of the ballpark. You don’t want to leave, but work is tomorrow at 7 a.m. This is the kiss of stalling, a kiss delivered gently before you step onto the subway platform or fumble for your keys. When you break it, walk away, but look back over your shoulder and wave bye at the last minute.
5. The bad date kiss.
Don’t kiss after a bad date. Don’t fake it.
6. The movie kiss.
The movie kiss can be really hot or really cute, depending on your style (and, of course, depending on the movie). I always kiss in action movies, but adorable animated kid films warrant less lip action and more hand holding. Less making out, more nose nuzzles.
7. The end-of-day kiss.
You’re past the phase when goodnight kisses left you throbbing and breathless. You’ve made a habit of sleeping at his place and letting him crash at yours. The words “I love you” may or may not have tumbled out of your mouth. If they haven’t, they’re close to it. This kiss brings the evening home, winds you down. It is a rehearsal for “I love you” without words.
8. The Valentine’s Day dinner kiss when the couple next to you says, “You guys are adorable.”
Everywhere around you are couples. You’re past the tartare appetizer, past the foie gras, and contemplating dessert.
You want to kiss him. His lower lip is still slick with butter from the steak. Then, absent-mindedly, you glance at the couple next to you, nod politely, and one of them says it: “You guys are adorable.” “You guys are really cute.”
Straight and queer couples have both committed this unpardonable offense during my romantic dinners. They mean well, but suddenly you feel like you’re in a zoo.
Do you still kiss him or no?
We’re queer. Our kisses will always be on display. Kiss him like you’re his tiramisu served on a platter of flesh. Taste the olive oil on his tongue.
9. The kiss of protest.
Every out gay man will deliver a protest kiss in his life, regardless if he sees himself as an agent of politics. Queer PDAs will be rooted in politics until the day comes when zealots and antigay lawmakers everywhere stop hurting us. I’m not waiting around for it. I want to love publicly for every homo forced to stay in the closet for survival.
We kiss for the same reasons everyone else does: to show love, to define our humanity, to feel intimacy, to share affection. It shouldn’t be revolutionary that we’re two men kissing, but it is, and it will remain so. Keep kissing and never say sorry.
10. The joy kiss.
You just got promoted. You just got married. You’re getting relocated to your dream city. This is the kiss equivalent of a hundred champagne toasts.
11. The heartbreak kiss.
Your mom is in the hospital. Your dog is missing. Your best friend was in a car crash. You get a diagnosis you weren’t expecting.
Dealing with the person you love may not be easy in times like this. People lash out in these moments — usually at the person standing closest to them. Try to be understanding.
Regardless of what happens, in most cases you don’t need to say anything. Few people are looking for words when grief and shock strike. Most want to be left alone for a little bit.
When he’s ready, sit down beside him and rub his back. Lean over and kiss him on the shoulder. This is how we say, “I’m with you.”
12. The savage kiss.
You have a free evening to kill and he discovers a butt plug in your play chest. You’re just getting out of the shower when he produces a set of handcuffs. The kiss happens — part invite, part seduction, followed by a stumble to the bed. You’re in for it.
13. The kiss before he speeds things up.
You’ve been fucking for an hour and find yourselves in that halfway lull. The second wind of sex has constituted the most intense sex of my life. You catch your breath, then kiss him. Slowly at first, turning him over or gently lifting your legs to his shoulders. “Get ready.”
14. The cumming kiss.
Telltale sign: “Fuck, I’m close.” You’re in another dimension and he’s cumming — now. Pull him in and plant a hard, sweaty, panting kiss on his lips. Breathe into his mouth and take him home. Break the kiss with a roar.
15. Cum kissing — different from the cumming kiss.
While the cumming kiss is simply the kiss of orgasm, “cum kissing” is a specific sex act. This is when he shoots his load in your mouth (or vice versa) and you proceed to pass the load back and forth between your mouths for as long as you can without swallowing it.
If this sort of thing strikes your fancy, I must tell you that it it works better in a small group setting, since going back and forth between two mouths gets a little monotonous and tiresome. I’ve also done the modified version where one gentlemen sucks the load out of an ass and proceeds as described above. This kiss is highly recommend for the cum enthusiast in your life.
16. The goodbye kiss.
Goodbye kisses are the hardest ones. Also called “breakup kisses.” The goodbye kiss is when you both know it’s time to break up. You sit down like adults and talk about everything, and at the end of the conversation you know it’s time to end things. No shouting, no throwing dinner plates, no absurd and childish threats, no slammed doors. Just a mutual decision to do something that you know is better for both of you.
My friend, this will be the hardest breakup you will ever endure, but you will have a friend in a year or two — after the dust settles and the hurt heals. Kiss him once, give him a big hug, tell him you love him, and tell him you’re going to need some distance for a while — no communication, no late-night texts, no unhealthy impulse sex. You don’t know when you’ll be able to see him again without hurting, but you wish him the best. That, my friend, is how you show love.
17. The morning kiss.
I saved my favorite kiss for the end. These are the ones you’ll miss the most, so cherish each and every one. One thing never changes, regardless if the relationship is new or many years old: Waking up in the morning and seeing a man you love sleeping beside you is one of the greatest treasures of life. When you kiss him, the light breaking through the window, you are blessed.
