Get ready for the furry pink handcuffs. Read more below.
Valentine's Day is the time of year when everyone toys with the novelty of BDSM, laughs uncomfortably, and moves on. Naughty lingerie is on sale. Already the bears are slumped on their shelves looking badly picked-through. The motors in their singing hearts are dead.
A million articles in beauty magazines tell you how to "spice things up" for the big day. It's all a bit funny to those of us who routinely play with blindfolds and restraints. But maybe that's the wrong way to see the holiday. Maybe kinky guys need to come out of the leather closet with real tips, real ways to add some pain to your pleasure, real ways to "spice things up."
Cupid's arrows have nothing on us. Browse these 26 ways to say "I love you" in the wonderful world of kink and BDSM.
A word of warning from Alex Cheves.
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend. Photo by Jon Dean.
1. Observe the history of Valentine’s Day by adding a set of manacles to the bedroom.
Several saints were named Valentine, so the one we care about, the Valentine, Saint Valentine of Terni, may be a composite. We know a young priest by that name was beheaded for insurgency against Emperor Claudius II in Rome during the third century.
He was arrested for performing Christian marriages -- a crime at the time -- and attempted to convert the emperor to Christianity while imprisoned. It did not go well. All this imagery conjures medieval torture devices, many of which are still used to less bloody extremes by kinky people today. Irons, cravats, wrist and ankle manacles, wolf collars, pillories, stocks, and other pre-19th-century restraints are still widely popular. But leave the beheading to antiquity.
2. Give him a rose — when he’s blindfolded.
You know the legend -- the would-be saint, sentenced to death, passing a letter through the prison bars to his love (according to one account) or to the jailer's daughter who he miraculously cured of blindness (another account) the night before his execution. The note was signed "from your Valentine."
This may be false. Valentine's Day is likely a Catholic repurposing of the pagan holiday Lupercalia, as are many holidays like Christmas and Easter. It's interesting to note that the word "rose," rearranged, spells "Eros," the Greek god of love, whose Roman counterpart we know well -- Cupid, a purely pagan entity.
Roses are tactile flowers as well as beautiful ones. Close your eyes and feel the velvety petals, seemingly dusted with talc. And that sweet smell. When he's blindfolded, rub a rose over his skin and tell him to guess what it is. Not guessing? Try a thorn. This sensation will be maximized when his skin is red and sensitive, so spank him a little first. When he smells it, he'll guess it. Kiss him gently, tell him Happy Valentine's Day, and keep going.
3. Plan a playday.
Don't bother with stuffed bears. Time is the best gift, and it's completely free. Give him a day with nothing on the agenda but sex.
Start early. Give yourselves prep time -- time to mentally and physically ready without feeling rushed; time to douche, get in submissive or dominant headspace, foreplay, warmup -- and time for aftercare. Take the evening to come down from the intensity. A long shower, a movie.
This isn't a simple gift. It's hard to clear one's schedule. How often are we given the opportunity to play without watching the clock? Turn off your phone and unplug.
4. Don’t try to guess what he wants. Go toy shopping with him.
Most fetishes have accompanying tools and toys. Talk about what you're into and go shopping, especially if your fetishes don't perfectly align. Show your support for the things that turn him on by buying him what he needs.
No brick-and-mortar store close by? Go online. Web shopping comes with its own challenges. Where do you start? How big is it?
Online fetish retailers have good customer service because we know you have these questions. Business like Fort Troff in Atlanta (where I work), Mr. S Leather in San Francisco, Full Kit Gear in Chicago and Provincetown, Rough Trade Gear in Los Angeles's Silver Lake neighborhood, 665 Leather (pictured above) in West Hollywood, The Leatherman NYC, Northbound Leather in Toronto, Regulation London, Mr. B Amsterdam, and countless others have one thing in common: Talking to customers personably is essential to our business.
We depend on word-of-mouth. Content restrictions inhibit most of us from heavy web advertising, and few ad firms accept clients whose promotional materials are deemed smutty or pornographic. Many e-marketing platforms have strict "no porn" policies, and social media advertising is hard with Facebook's draconian -- albeit inconsistent -- community guidelines. We want you to have a good experience and come back. We depend on it.
We'll help you find what you need. We're the pros.
5. Gift trifecta: Chocolate, roses, and rope.
Give him a gift basket that includes one kink essential. I suggest handcuffs. If you're both fairly open, sex-positive guys with little to hide, send the basket to his work. You need the basics: chocolates, flowers, card. Then throw in something that hints at a fun night -- a roll of hemp bondage rope or rubber ball gag -- so he knows what's coming.
6. Gear up.
Gear = clothing that makes you feel like a slab of sex meat. The most widely recognized fetishes eroticize certain forms of dress and certain materials like leather and rubber. The fetish of leather is the cornerstone upon which the leather community is built. Today, leather has become so large and multifaceted that it extends outside "leather fetish." It has become synonymous with kink and BDSM across the globe.
Whatever makes you feel good, wear it. If you don't know what gear you like, explore. Gear shopping is best done with a partner -- someone to encourage you and tell you you look great. And getting on a new harness by yourself is hard. Let him do the buckles in the back.
7. Get a room.
Sometimes you need a break -- from your apartment, your bathroom, your pile of clothes. Just as gear unlocks our sexual selves, space does too. That's why we love fucking in hotel rooms.
You can invite others or keep it intimate. Bring sexy stuff (lube, toys). The perk of playing in a hotel room is that you don't have to wash sheets or clean up after. That said, don't do anything that will add heavy charges to your room bill -- I once left a shower hose douche hanging in the shower, and the hotel added a charge since I had clearly tampered with and unscrewed the shower head. Don't forget to hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign outside.
8. Wear the same jockstrap for a week or two — even at the gym. It’s his on Valentine’s Day.
The best gift for the underwear fetishist in your life -- the guy who loves your scent and prefers you come to bed before showering, not after. If he's really nasty, he'll wear it for a couple weeks after you hand it off.
9. Have a party.
Groups are tough for some couples. Jealousy is human -- we all feel it. When jealousy is not adequately communicated, it will lead to problems. Jealousy flares up when we involve others. Lucky for us, the world of kink has built-in dynamics that make groups easier.
When it's just you, your BF, and four other guys on a bed, you don't have a script, and don't know how to behave. An excess of attention here or there might make jealousy flare up. But add a script and it gets easier. It's you, your Sir -- the primary person you answer to -- and four buddies under his command. The roles are set. There is a chain of command, pre-discussed limits, and protocol to keep communication open. You're going to get group-used, lucky boy.
10. Go to the nearest leather bar in full gear.
If this means making a weekend trip to the nearest city and getting a hotel room, it's worth it. Make it a mini vacation.
Are you submissive? Go locked, with a chain collar around your neck indicating you're taken -- or go leashed. If you aren't sure where you fall on the dominant-submissive spectrum, or perhaps aren't ready to show that side of yourself in such a public manner, go in sexy gear you love. Show off.
Community is important. You might find playmates who you both like -- or, even better, you might find friends, people who share what you're into, who can offer their own advice and support. You might find guys you can crash with on future weekends so that the cost of visiting isn't so high. Get names and numbers.
11. Plan a romantic dinner date with a side of chastity.
I love public fetishes -- ones you can enjoy in plain sight. I have an underwear fetish and usually rock the same jockstrap for a week or more before throwing it in the bin. Other guys love chastity, which involves wearing a locking cock cage made of plastic, metal, or acrylic. Acrylic is recommended. The hard material softens with heat, making it form to your anatomy.
If chastity isn't your thing, wear a butt plug. Whatever you're into, find a way to indulge it discreetly under your clothes at a nice dinner.
(We found the lovely cock cage pictured above at Amazon.)
12. Plugged at the movies.
A swarm of buddies took turns fucking the daylights out of me. After everyone dumped a load, they slid a buttplug in and told me to keep the loads in for as long as I could. Then we went to the movies.
It was one of the hottest nights of my life. We sat in the dark and everyone rubbed my shoulders, encouraging me, telling me I was doing a good job, being a good boy. It was nasty and fraternal and an experience I've always wanted to repeat. Enjoy this cum-lover's twist on the classic movie date.
13. Give chocolate anuses to the ass-eater in your life.
Edible Anus is a British company that makes chocolate sphincters in "meek milk, dilated dark, and tight white" -- milk chocolate, dark chocolate, and white chocolate. They are packaged in an unassuming black box.
This confection caused a snickering uproar online about a year or two ago, but they're harder to find now. Luckily the French store L'avante Gardiste still sells them.
14. Who needs a lollipop? Give him a cumsicle.
Freeze your cum into a popsicle if he's especially into licking and swallowing. Not too oral? Freeze your cum in rounded ice cubes (any shape you want, as long as they're not too sharp). These make great ass lubricators before sex. Stick one or two in and wait for them to melt. His hole is lined with your seed -- lubed for a filthy fuck session.
15. Vibe with him.
Find a vibrating butt plug, preferably one that has an external remote. Go to dinner, movies, or gay bar and give him random bursts of vibration throughout the night. It'll be funny and hot watching him try to control his face and minimize his reaction when you turn it on and crank it up.
16. Sex club date.
Some say the sex club is no place for love. I don't think anything could be less true. Love is brutal and messy. It reveals itself in odd, dark places. I have found men I love on dance floors, at sex clubs, at house parties, and in back rooms. Who says you can't?
Take the guy you love to the sex club and let him play, or play with him, or watch. While the sex will be fun, the real gift is the strength in your communication, your trust and commitment as a pair to navigate through this and enjoy it.
I have never believed, and will never believe, that relationships are meant to restrict your sex life. A relationship isn't a chastity cage or promise ring. The sexual, animal part of you is just as valid, just as essential to your being, as the side that loves and cares for someone else. You have both. Find someone who sees and celebrates both.
18. Take a sexcation.
It can be cheap and or long and costly. I recently drove to Nashville for a fisting weekend with a friend. It was perfect.
Many guys don't live near a leather bar. This is why our venues are so important -- and why we must support them. You need a space that lets you show off your kinky side, a place away from your hometown, your job, your people, that lets you disconnect from their pressure and just play. Sexcations are great sexual awakeners. Bring your self-discovery back to work with you, back to the grind, a burning secret in a lockbox, a flame that you can stoke quietly through the week and let it roar when Friday rolls around.
19. Follow the rose petals.
Anonymous pigs, this one's for you. Take a page from the honeymoon handbook and leave a path of rose petals by the front door with music playing when he comes home. The trail of rose petals leads straight to you in a sling, blindfolded, ass up and ready. If you can pull this off, it'll be his hottest Valentine's Day gift ever.
20. Negotiation date.
Negotiation is done with new playmates. Negotiation is the pre-sex talk you have about what you like, what your fantasies are, and what you absolutely will not do. In negotiation, you pick a safeword -- a word that you say during sex that is an automatic "STOP."
Don't over-negotiate -- doing so can take the fantasy and exploration out of sex. You should accept the fact that you don't know every sensation out there, and may not know what all you do and don't like. Safewords should be used sparingly -- the journey of kink is to trust someone to push your limits and take you to new mental and physical places. But safewords also keep you safe. If someone ignores your safeword, never play with them again. They're dangerous and will be unwelcome in the kink community.
If your dominant punishes you for using your safeword, that's cruel, and you should reconsider playing with him. Negotiation doesn't have to be a serious, heavy-handed talk. If you're game, make it a meal. Make it fun.
21. Sex goals date.
I don't date dominants. I know several gay relationships where one guy is Sir and his boyfriend, husband, or partner is his submissive. I won't rule a relationship like that out, but generally I don't want to live in my sex role, and dating dominants in the past felt uncomfortably close to 24-7 submission.
With casual playmates, I have sex goal talks. I lay out what I want to try, where I want to go, and what limits I want to push. It's a casual negotiation for less intense play. Make it a date!
22. Lock him up.
You cannot cum in chastity. You cannot get an erection. Cock cages prevent you from doing so. When you don't have the key, the only way to get free -- or get off -- is if he lets you.
Not everyone experiences chastity the same way. Some call it degradation and humiliation, others see it as a sign of ownership and power play. Others see it as amorous commitment, a withholding of oneself for someone else.
Ready to take this step and hand over the keys? Congrats! Start easy. Go a couple days before working up to a week. Chastity requires trust, surrender, communication, and commitment -- the building blocks of a relationship.
(We found the cool black silicone cock cage at Amazon of all places.)
23. Ready for the collar?
Collar code is widely respected among kinky people. Wearing a chain collar with a lock means you're taken. Wearing a chain collar with an open lock means you're looking to get locked down. Wearing no collar means you're free to play with.
Some guys in long term relationships see collars as the kinky equivalent of wedding bands. Others see collars casually. A human pup or dog may just like to wear a dog collar to indicate the scene he's into.
If you're at that point in your relationship, talk to him about collaring you, and what that means. It's a good time to go over your parameters, your boundaries, and where you stand in your rules regarding outside playmates and hookups.
24. Give him a Valentine’s Day paddling.
Use one with hearts, kisses, or "I Love You" spelled backwards in relief -- it'll leave the shape or letters printed on his skin. You could scour fetish retailers but you might find better luck on Etsy.
25. We all love ginger cookies. Now try ginger figging.
Putting a small, smooth piece of ginger in the butt creates an extreme burning, stinging sensation that leaves no mark and goes away after about 15 to 30minutes. This sadistic sex practice -- called ginger figging -- is a lesser-known but well-loved form of harmless ass torture.
26. Hire a sex worker.
Chances are good that you already know a few sex workers without realizing you do. We come from all walks of life, all backgrounds, all body shapes, all skin colors, all genders, and all ages. We provide a multitude of services, from short-term companionship to rough bang-and-go breeding sessions, emotional support to hardcore BDSM, sex coaching to sex therapy. Invite a sex worker into your playtime.
Communicate what you're looking for before you meet. If he lives far away, you will have to pay for his travel and accommodation. Rates are not negotiable -- don't ask for a discount because it's Valentine's Day, or it's your boyfriend's birthday, or any other special day. You're not at Applebee's. He's providing a service -- pay him for it.
