27 Signs Your Gay Heart Needs a Sex Break
02/27/18
The journey of sexual discovery sometimes means taking a break. Read more below.
The break last year started on my way home from a sex party in the north district of the city. His condo had floor-to-ceiling windows and cement floors. It was a loft, very open, with clothes thrown everywhere. Before I left, I was lying on the bed wanting to hold him, whatever his name was. He wasn't having it. "Hey, do you want to start finding your clothes?"
It was brutal. The other guy was in the shower. Some guys had left. Others were coming. I gathered my stuff together. On the way back, you pass through a tunnel. It feels like getting sucked into the side of a building before you float through an assemblage of stars. There I decided it was time for a break. I was lonely, and I had no one to talk to, no one to call. My phone was a list of numbers without names -- nude pics from countless strangers lost in my album.
There is a time to stop and reassess your (sex) life. The journey of sexual discovery sometimes means taking a break. Here are 27 signs that you're ready for one.
A word of warning from Alex Cheves.
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend. Photo by Jon Dean.
1. Lackluster hookups.
The sex isn't bad, just bland. Something needs to change -- you just don't know what.
When sex is good, it's worth the struggle. Exploring sensation and desire helps other parts of your life -- your communication skills, your self-image, your confidence. It has helped mine. That's why, when we talk about sex in everyday discourse, it's impossible not to talk about all the other stuff that goes into sex -- the social liberation of sex-positivity and the benefits to that our personal journeys deliver.
Taking that journey doesn't always mean having more -- particularly if it's not fun. Have less. Slow down.
2. It hurts.
If there's pain in your butt, you may have a fissure. Anal fissures can take a few weeks or a few months to heal. A doctor will assess your injury and give you an idea of how long you should cool it. Fissures are tears -- open channels of infection -- and powering through them can make them worse.
3. Your interests appear to be changing.
Desire evolves.
For this reason, you may find it a good idea to cool it with some casual playmates. If you're with someone and simply not into the kind of sex you used to enjoy, it's time to have a talk with him. Stress that this isn't a breakup, ultimatum, or mean form of coercion. This is an honest self-assessment and you don't know what it means. If he's game to explore other things sexually with you, let him.
4. You’re going through a breakup.
Sex isn't always a bad idea during a breakup. Quite the opposite: Sometimes easy, casual sex is the healing balm for a broken heart.
And sometimes it's not. I fling hard into casual sex when I'm newly single, and it tends to not go well. It becomes a Band-Aid to keep myself from facing the sadness, and I always feel terrible after. My healthy single period starts once I take a break and focus on other parts of myself -- my health, my hobbies, my writing.
5. You’re starting something new.
You don't know what it is, but you like this guy. Let's see where this goes.
I do not have monogamous relationships with people. When I like someone, I find it important to communicate to him that I see sexual exclusivity as both a cultural myth and a relationship deal-breaker. That said, I'll focus on him -- and mostly him -- for a bit. I want to get to know him.
Past relationships would have gone better if I had waited and taken the time to see if someone was better as a "friend" or "boyfriend." I take that time now and hesitate to fit anyone into a role. During that time, I generally cool my playing with others and focus my affection on him.
6. Casual sex is making you feel awful.
This happens when the majority of your human contact is hookups and sex. The fact is, we need multiple kinds of people in our lives. You need multiple nutrients to survive -- you can't live on just one. Human connection is the same.
If you're feeling lonely after casual sex, it's probably not because of the sex. Too much casual sex makes me aware how little other stuff I'm getting -- how poorly I've responded to friends asking me to hang out, how badly I've let friendships suffer. If hookups are making you feel blue, cut them for a bit. Your friendships probably need maintenance.
7. Sex is making you fight.
If sex is causing arguments between you and your someone, there's a problem. If you feel obligated -- or pressured -- to play, the sex will probably be terrible. It's time to sit down and have an honest talk.
There could be a million things wrong. With honesty and open, generous communication, most relationship problems can be worked through if you have the desire to do so. If you don't have the desire and don't want to talk it out, break up. Right now.
8. You had a traumatic experience.
My dear friend, everyone responds to trauma differently. There's no guidebook to getting through it. I wish there was, but there's not. From the folks I've talked to about trauma, the various clients I've worked with, and my own experiences with awful things, I think a break from sex is usually healthy. Re-centering and focusing on yourself is never a bad idea.
Sex can heal. People are beautiful creatures. Spending time with them is rewarding on many levels. But so is spending time with yourself. When you're ready to play again, take baby steps. Start easy.
Try porn or hire a sex worker. Porn is good. Escorts are good. Despite the various problems with the sex industry, people who work in it provide valuable services, particularly since most of us live in a sex-negative, body-negative world.
I reject moralizing attitudes and weightless arguments from both the right and left about the supposed "evil" of porn, and I actively campaign against attempts from institutions on either side to outlaw porn or hurt adult industries. Regardless if these efforts attach themselves to positive movements like #MeToo, they harm honest workers.
Porn helps people rediscover arousal before they're ready to step back into intimacy. Porn takes away the need for a partner and lets you please yourself. Porn showcases countless different kinds of bodies, kinks, and lifestyles, and fosters safe space for people who don't conform to socially standardized forms of sexual and romantic expression. On top of all this, porn provides an industry for countless hardworking people.
Try porn. Hire an escort to assist you in your sexual rediscovery. We are here to help.
9. Work is demanding your time.
Yes, you are allowed to choose work over play for a while. But don't let it last for more than six months -- a good rule of thumb. American work culture is unhealthy, and many good sex lives have been ruined by the corporate ladder. Don't let a project lasting a few months become a few years.
10. Your body needs some rest.
Sometimes you simply need recovery time. I'm into some pretty intense stuff, and if I have too many hard-core sex sessions, I'm spent and need some months off. Certain types of sex can be exhausting. Respect your limits.
11. Your friends haven’t heard from you in a while.
In our fast lives, it's often easier to arrange quick hookups than schedule meetups with our friends. Everyone has a different work life, a different schedule. Getting people together is hard.
That said, you have to do it. If you don't, you'll get stuck in a rut in which you're having plenty of sex but still feel lonely. You need friends.
12. You’re not feeling well.
Sick? No sex -- at least not until you're feeling better. Body contact with others is how sickness is spread, so it's in the public's best interest -- the interest and well-being of your friends and lovers -- to take a break.
13. You want to binge-watch that show everyone’s talking about.
There are only so many hours in the day. Working people get tired of hearing about all the new shows on TV that everyone's watching. It's frustrating to feel like you're not participating in the world as much as you'd like to.
It's OK to cut out sex, at least for a little bit. When I took a sex break last year, I was amazed to see how much my weekends opened up and how much productivity I had.
14. You’re depressed.
Depression can kill your sex drive. If it doesn't, you might still want to take a break. In the wrong head space, sex can make you feel worse.
I think sex is healthy. I don't think you can have "too much" or "too little." If anything, I think our culture's idea of what constitutes "too much" or "too little" sex is unhealthy -- not the people who enjoy what they do. But I do think sex can be unhealthy for you if you're in a bad place. I also think sex can help you get out of a bad place with the right partner, the right person to take you there. Be open to the idea that your sex life needs to change before you get better.
15. You just got a pet.
Pets are a big adjustment. If your fuck buds are getting upset because you've spent the last three weekends at home training your dog not to pee on the rug, find new fuck buddies.
16. Someone you care about needs your attention.
Life throws everyone blows. Life blindsides you when you least expect it. If someone you love has been dealt something terrible, sex can take a backseat. Be there for them. Disease, injury, and loss are best survived with others at your side.
17. You just moved to a new city.
Your first impulse might be to fuck everything in sight, and maybe that's exactly what you should do. But also think for a minute about the possibility of giving yourself an adjustment period -- a month or two to figure out your expenses and find your way around. There will plenty of time to cruise once you get settled in.
18. New job.
Give yourself time to settle in, arrive on time, and adjust to your new routine.
19. You just got diagnosed with HIV.
Your doctor will likely tell you it's imperative to stop -- mandatory sex break -- until you're on meds and undetectable. That said, many guys fail to do this. I did.
The manic sex period that follows a new diagnosis is very common, but it won't be seen with understanding by anyone in a courtroom if you get caught. Even if you're in shock and still processing, you can't go out and put others at risk. Even if they consent to it knowing you're infectious, HIV criminalization laws are so stringent that you will be seen as a predator. That's pozphobia.
Take a break because you have to. Once you start meds, start slow. My brother, you will have a sex life again -- a good one. There are many sexy, wonderful men out there who want to fuck you, men who don't care that you're HIV-positive or are living happily with HIV themselves. The meds have given us a second chance at life. Don't waste it.
20. Someone you love just passed away.
Nothing equates to the experience of losing someone. You may be unable to have sex for a little bit. Hurt hits us all differently. I find it hard to fuck when I'm barely keeping myself together. There's no pressure -- give yourself time.
21. You only enjoy the sex you want when you’re high.
I'm sure this speaks to more of us than we want to admit. The realization hit me like a cold, dark certainty one day on the way to work.
Drugs are fun. We don't say that enough. We shame them and their use, and siphon anyone who suggests a problem into heavy-handed, nonscientific 12-step meetings where someone tells you to pray. That shame renders the devastation drugs have wrought on our lives invisible -- something we don't talk about and keep out of the public spotlight. We put addicts in dark corners and leave them there, all while touting all-or-none, sober-or-sick mythologies about queer life.
Many -- I want to say most -- gay men will get into a habit at some point of having more substance sex than sober sex, and when you do, you'll need to take a break. I assure you that the experience of rediscovering your sexual side sober for a bit and taking baby steps back into intimacy -- changing your expectations and focusing on discovering yourself anew -- is a beautiful journey to have, one you can take at any stage of life. Don't be scared. You got this.
22. You’re bored with the person you love.
There's no way around it -- you've lost the spark. It's a hard reality for anyone to face. It'll hurt him, and you'll feel guilty, but you have to be honest and tell him. That's the greatest act of love you can perform once you're at this point.
If you don't tell him, you'll get bitter, and the relationship will grow toxic. If you want more and aren't happy, it's time to move on. Following this, I always recommend a sex break. Take some time to know yourself as a solo entity again before jumping back into the game.
23. You have an STD.
Taking a break until it clears up is the polite, respectable thing to do. Also, tell your recent partners if you are able. Don't be a dick.
24. You’re on vacation.
There are many gay men who take sexcations -- vacations to some big city where there's some big circuit party happening, some gay cruise landing or setting off, some large populace of ready flesh. That's fun, but I sometimes enjoy dedicated breaks from the hunt -- a few weeks away from all that. We live in such a sex culture that a break from it all might be the unexpected, badly needed vacation you need.
25. You want to build new friendships.
I'm terrible at making friends. The only way I ever do it successfully is if I dedicate a few months to being better at responding to text messages and saying hello to people in public. It's a concentrated effort. I say yes to every hangout and give everyone a chance. I can only do that for so long before I'm back to my workaholic, cruisy self -- but hopefully by that point I have some friendships to maintain, some close people in my corner.
26. Family drama.
Ask any queer person and they'll tell you that family stuff is the one thing that can make a put-together, independent, confident anarcho-fag cry unexpectedly. Family stuff wrecks me. If stuff is happening back home or we're having digital rows again, I tend to cut the sex and focus on my heart.
27. You hurt someone who doesn’t deserve it.
You cheated. You ghosted. You lied. You abandoned. You weren't there when he needed you. You hurt him, and now you two don't speak. This, my friend, is an important sex break. I took one after breaking someone's heart a few years ago. You should too.
Take some time to acknowledge the hurt you caused, feel guilty, and think. Don't try to contact him and compose an effusive apology. Take a break -- from all of it, everything -- and spend some months deciding what kind of boyfriend, lover, and friend you want to be. It's good for every person to step back and acknowledge their capacity for cruelty and compassion, harm and help. Discover your power, and be better.
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