17 Safety Tips for Size Queens
Being a size queen isn't without risk, as recent internet hero Fredy Alanis found out. The gay 19-year-old's story of sucking a 10-inch penis -- a "hulk-sized dick," in his own words -- that injured his airway and landed him in the emergency room went viral last week. From his hospital bed, he posted a selfie that has made the rounds on various queer media outlets.
His cute face and no-apologies account of the incident are worth cheering for, but the fact remains that many people have no clue how to handle XL -- but want to try. The risks and challenges change. If you're without practice or proper technique, you can get hurt.
If you're a bottom or devoted cocksucker, here are some safety pointers on handling monster meat. And if you're a particularly well-endowed top, here's some important info you need to make your sex the best it can be.
A word of warning from Alex Cheves.
My name is Alexander Cheves, and I am known by friends in the kink and leather community as Beastly. I am a sex-positive writer and blogger. The views in this slideshow do not reflect those of The Advocate and are based solely off of my own experiences. Like everything I write, the intent of this piece is to break down the stigmas surrounding the sex lives of gay men.
Those who are sensitive to frank discussions about sex are invited to click elsewhere, but consider this: If you are outraged by content that address sex openly and honestly, I invite you to examine this outrage and ask yourself whether it should instead be directed at those who oppress us by policing our sexuality.
For all others, enjoy the slideshow. And feel free to leave your own suggestions of sex and dating topics in the comments.
Hungry for more? Follow me on Twitter @BadAlexCheves and visit my blog, The Beastly Ex-Boyfriend. Photo by Jon Dean.
1. Bottoms: You have to train your butt.
Practice regularly -- say, once a week -- with sex toys. Insertables are sex toys designed for penetration. Find insertibles exclusively made for anal (I'll go over which ones are best in number 3). Start small. If you struggle to take two fingers, don't purchase a toy much bigger than your two fingers in girth, or much longer.
Once a week, lube up your toy (I cover lubes in number 4), and gently slide it in your hole. The feeling might not be comfortable at first -- keep at it. Go slow. If it starts to hurt, stop, relax, and try again.
Go with what feels good. If you like sliding it in and out slowly, do that and try building speed. See how long you can extend that sensation -- don't just masturbate and call it a day. Remember, this isn't about masturbation -- it's about training your butt and extending your endurance.
2. Start small and work your way up.
Once your beginner-size insertable becomes easy to take, purchase one slightly bigger, and give it a try. Keep with that one for a bit, then go bigger.
Don't rush -- going too fast, or too large too quickly, can cause injury. The skin in your butt is very delicate. Anal fissures happen. These are small tears in the rectrum that are usually painless, but not always. Most of them will heal on their own after a couple weeks if you leave your butt alone and take a sex/toy break.
Until they heal completely, anal fissures are open gateways for sexually transmitted infections like HIV. If there's a lot of blood or if you're in pain, take a cue from Fredy Alanis and go to the ER.
As you practice and build in size, you'll develop the skill to comfortably take (and enjoy) larger things in your butt. Whenever you come to a moment of discomfort, stop and take slow, deep breaths. Feel your muscles relax and adjust to the size.
This process works. The anal sphincter -- the tight circular muscle at the base of your rectum, also called your "hole" -- will stretch and loosen. Over time, if you want to explore depth, you'll find that deeper sphincters -- deeper holes that lead to sections higher up into the lower parts of your small intestine -- can be opened too. This is for very advanced play and should not be attempted when you're new.
This process is the same way people train for more extreme assplay and fisting. The fact is, you can train your butt to take things much larger than a "hulk-sized penis."
3. Oral requires training too — but be careful.
The throat has limited stretch capability, and you shouldn't push it. You cannot train the throat to open much more than it can. You can train to minimize your gag reflex, and that is best done with a patient partner. Unlike some internet self-described "experts," I do not believe you should slide items down your throat, so ignore the advice-givers who suggest practicing with a banana or a dildo mounted on the wall. The risk of choking yourself -- getting something stuck in your airway -- is not worth it.
Have your partner stay still. You're in control. Slide his penis along the roof of your mouth slowly to the back of your throat. See how far you can comfortably go. Breathe through your nose. You may find it more comfortable to slide his dick to the left side. Try both sides to see which works better.
At moments of discomfort, pause, breathe through your nose, and see if you can go further. Take breaks and stop when you want to stop. Do this on your knees while looking up at the ceiling, or -- even better, but more intimidating -- lie on your back with your head hanging slightly off the edge of the bed, so that your throat is aligned with your mouth, and have him slowly enter.
Alex Robboy (CAS, MSW, LCSW, and founder of Sex Therapy in Philadelphia) has this pro tip: Imagine yourself chugging a beer. Chugging beer (or any kind of liquid) requires you to engage the same throat muscles as deep-throating.
4. With toys, simple is always better.
I recommend training with small, smooth butt plugs. Basic, simple shapes without many ridges, bumps, or extra features work best. Classic rocket-shaped or teardrop-shaped butt plugs are great -- anything that gently tapers from a wider, rounded section to a narrow one. Don't go for those rough, "realistic" dildos with sculpted veins and ridges. Many of these are not designed for anal.
Keep this in mind: A dildo is essentially a cylinder. A cylinder will open your ass to a certain diameter and keep it there. In contrast, a rounded object like a butt plug forces your hole to stretch open and close, and is better for training yourself to experience -- and enjoy -- the stretch.
I got better at bottoming when I took a small butt plug (about four inches in circumference) and slowly slid it in, waited, and slid it out again. I stuck with this rhythm: in, pause, out. Gradually I built speed and tried larger and larger plugs. It took a few years, and I'm still training, but today I'm a fist bottom and can take XL (and XXL) penises pretty easily.
5. Use water-based lube with toys.
Water-based lube is essential, especially if you don't know what your toy is made of. Generally speaking, silicone toys should not be used with silicone-based lube, since the two silicones may have a chemical reaction, and your toy may seem to "melt" in certain spots. That said, some silicone lubes are safe with silicone toys. Read the bottle carefully, and always do a "spot test." Rub a small amount of lube on the base of the toy, leave it for several hours, and see how it reacts, if at all.
Because silicone reacts with silicone, you should never leave two silicone toys touching in storage. After using, wash thoroughly with warm, soapy water, towel dry, and wrap each one individually in a bag, towel, or sock. Keep them in a dry, cool place, away from direct sunlight, and never touching -- ever. Since it can be difficult to remember what your toys are made of, this is good care practice for all sex toys.
6. Certain toy materials are better for training than others.
I generally avoid plastics, since I try to limit the number of toxins that go in my body. Whatever you use, make sure it's nontoxic and phthalate-free. High-grade, soft silicone and thick, heavy glass make the best sex toys.
Some TPE (thermoplastic elastomer) and TPR (thermoplastic rubber/resin) toys are fine, but I find that they get sticky and dirty, and cannot be cleaned as thoroughly as silicone (you can bleach silicone, not TPE or TPR).
The great thing about premium silicone is that it varies so much in softness and hardness. If you're willing to spend some money, you can find extremely soft, spongy, flexible silicone toys that are great for assplay and stretching. Remember, if it's going in your butt, you want it to be soft and smooth. Hard, rough items with little or no "give" are not ideal.
While many people are intimidated by glass, glass is actually a great material to use. If you spend some money and buy quality glass items, they won't break. Take care of your glass insertables and inspect them every time for cracks and dings.
A solid glass butt plug is friction-free, meaning your skin will not have friction against it and will stretch around it more gently. I've owned my favorite glass plug for over two years and have trained several guys with it.
7. Tops: Listen to your bottoms.
In Fredy's account in Them about the dick-sucking fiasco, he said he's seen the 10-inch top since his stay in the hospital:
I told him what happened and since then when we decide to hook up or whatever he is a lot less rough. He's more cautious and aware of what he's doing. I don't want to be in the hospital! He told me he felt so bad. He works in an ambulance so he's pretty aware of the human body and what's possible.
This is the kind of top you want to be. Listen to his feedback, and if you're too rough, say sorry and go more gently next time. If he's sucking your dick, read his body language, and don't push past his resistance. If he's bottoming and wincing in pain or placing his hand against you, stop, tell him to breathe deeply, rub his back gently, and ask him to tell you when he's ready to continue. The best tops are the ones who read a bottom's body language carefully. If you go slow, establish trust, and give someone permission to comfortably "let go" and surrender, the sex will be way better than anything forced or rushed.
8. Bring training into your foreplay.
Ass/throat training is a great way to start sex if you have a patient partner who will listen to you and go at your speed. I learned to love butt plugs with a partner. He found that after an hour of ass stretching and toy play with butt plugs, I'd loosen up, and he'd be able to fuck the way he always wanted to -- without stopping every couple minutes because he was big.
9. Use silicone lube in sex.
When you put the toys away, put your water-based lube away. Use silicone-based lube for sex if your partner is well-endowed. Water-based lube dries up quickly and does not have that silky, velvety slickness that silicone lube possesses.
Yes, silicone is very messy. Yes, it stains sheets, so be sure to lay old towels down, and keep additional towels close by so that you don't have to touch everything on your way to the bathroom to clean up afterward. The pros of silicone are worth the cons: You won't need to keep applying lube -- a little goes a long way. Silicone makes monster meat much easier to take.
Pro tip: Look for condensed silicone. Condensed, thick silicone is commonly found in silicone lubes made explicitly for anal sex.
10. Bottoms: Ride it.
When you sit on top, you're in control of the speed at which something enters your body -- whether it's a sex toy or penis. While this may not be your favorite position (it's definitely not mine), it's a good way to get penetrated at the beginning of a session. Sitting on top lets it enter your body at your speed. Breathe slowly and work your way down.
11. Don’t use throat-numbing spray.
Some cocksucking masters swear by the power of throat sprays, which are marketed by some fetish manufacturers as "deepthroat spray." These have a mild topical anesthetic -- similar to sore throat sprays you may purchase from a pharmacy next time you're sick.
Avoid these altogether. I've never believed it's healthy to mask pain with numbing chemicals. Pain happens for a reason -- it alerts your mind that there is an injury or potential for injury happening somewhere in your body. In sex, pain doesn't always mean "stop," but it does mean "slow down" or simply "be gentle."
Pain is how you keep yourself safe. Proper training is about working through pain and discomfort to discover the pleasure on the other side.
12. Don’t use numbing anal lube.
Avoid this stuff for the same reasons mentioned in the last slide. Numbing anal lubes are pretty easy to find at your local sex shop or online.
Again, pain is good. Masking your body's natural limits and overriding your pain receptors when playing in the butt is an easy way to get hurt. Numbing lube isn't safe.
13. If you use poppers, only use them as backup support.
"Poppers" is a slang word defining various inhalant chemicals called alkyl nitrites. When you snort or huff them, they give you that which classic "head rush" high that is notorious for making holes open and butts relax. Poppers were a staple of gay club culture in the '70s and '80s. They are still sold in the United States today. But it's rare to find old-fashioned alkyl ones, which were much stronger the ones in today's sex shops (no one truthfully knows what's in modern poppers, so use at your own risk).
Poppers have a relaxing effect on smooth muscle tissue (throat tissue, anal tissue), which is why so many gay men use them -- especially for larger dicks and more extreme assplay and fisting. In the United States, poppers are packaged as room deodorizers or video head cleaner to avoid antidrug laws.
If you're a poppers pig, that's fine -- I love a good poppers session. But if you're training your butt, don't use them continuously. For one, you'll get a bad headache, and you won't be doing anything to help yourself train for XL.
When I'm training for monster cocks and fists, I try to only use poppers as a backup. I see them as a reward for stretching naturally, a third-act tool to amplify sex after the stretching and training work is done.
14. Never start rough.
This is how injuries happen. If your partner cannot slow down and ease you into sex, he's not worth trying to have sex with. I've given up on well-endowed tops because they couldn't slow down or listen to me.
Tops: It's rare that you can start jackhammering out of the gate. If that's what you like -- if you prefer sex to be rough -- that's fine, just don't do that with a beginner or someone who cannot comfortably take your dick. You can badly hurt them.
15. If you use condoms, be sure to have the right size.
I no longer use condoms, but when I did, I made sure to always keep the right size -- condoms that fit the dicks I wanted to take. Since I have a mild latex allergy, I used Skyn Large.
Skyn was the first nonlatex brand to make condoms for XL anatomy. Their condoms are made of polyisoprene -- or a blend of it that Skyn calls "Skynfeel." This material is made to feel extremely natural and nonirritating, and it does -- even to condom-phobic guys like me. For folks with an allergy, these condoms offer just as much protection against HIV and other sexually transmitted infections as standard latex condoms.
16. Don’t try to copy what you see in porn.
Whether you have a fantasy of getting aggressively skullfucked or drilled hard in the ass for hours, you still need some warmup. You can achieve these dreams with practice and patience, but not without putting in the work.
In porn, stars are naturally prepared and ready to go rough. You never see the initial stretching, ass training, stops and starts, mishaps, or years of practice. You never see when someone simply needs a break -- those get edited out. Porn cuts all the real stuff that real people do in sex -- the mishaps and messes that make it wonderful.
You cannot -- and should not -- try to imitate porn. Not even porn stars can imitate porn. Even when you've advanced to the skill that you can suck like a pro and get fucked by XL dicks, you still cannot dive into sex and go hard without some initial foreplay, some buildup. Skipping the experience of slowly getting into sexual headspace and loosening up the body will result in lackluster sex.
17. Don’t set expectations for your body.
I went to my first large fisting party last year. It was overwhelming -- there were two floors of guys dancing on a dance floor, with fisting scenes happening against every wall and to the side. Fuck benches, slings, and other sex furniture lined the walls.
On my way downstairs, I met a tall, handsome daddy wearing full leather. We cruised each other. I looked at his hands -- they were huge.
"No way," I said. "I can't get fisted by those."
"That's OK," he said. "I don't have to fist you. No expectations. Let me just play with your butt."
That sounded OK to me, so I climbed in a sling. There was no goal, no endgame -- he was just playing with my butt. We'd only go as far as I wanted to go. We took our time, and when his hand finally slid all the way in, it was beautiful and intense and one of the best sex nights I've had in my life. He fisted me for over an hour.
In sex, expectations are always problematic. You meet someone online, see pics and stats, and almost immediately start creating the scenario in your head. It's hard not to do so -- in fact, we've been conditioned to do so by our digital hookup culture, by our sex apps. You start messaging each other about what the experience will be, what he wants to do, what you want to do. It's easy to talk yourself out of something, or create an expectation for your body and your skill that doesn't happen when you finally meet. This can leave you feeling defeated and deflated -- feelings no one needs after sex.
Try not to set expectations. Just play with each other and see what happens. He might slide his "hulk-sized penis" all the way in your butt, or he might not. You might be able to suck it all the way to the base, or you might not. The freedom of exploring each other's body without expectations may result in some of the best sex of your life.
