Oscar parties. Fashion Week parties. Halloween parties. White, Black, Blue, Flaming Technicolor parties. There aren't many shindigs in the world that aren't planned, attended, or staffed by gay people. But come Super Bowl Sunday, most of us (the gay guys, anyway) are sequestered in our homes, oblivious to the rec-room raves happening all around us. Why? Not because we're not invited (we're invited to everything). Because we can't bear to be the dumbest person in the room on any subject. And when the subject is football, we're often three bases short of a slam dunk. So here are a few Super Bowl talking points to get you up off your couch and into a room full of sweaty, huggy, heterosexual men. (Just go easy on the face paint. Even though you're an autumn, it's customary to wear your team's colors.)
THE "SKIN" IN PIGSKIN
There have been only two streakers in Super Bowl history, both occurring at Super Bowl XXXVIII. One was a serial streaker from the United Kingdom named Mark Roberts, and the other was some chick dancing next to Justin Timberlake.
GOLDEN BOY
The San Francisco 49ers have won five Super Bowls, which puts them in a three-way tie -- with the Dallas Cowboys and the Pittsburgh Steelers -- for the most championship wins in the league. Controversy was stirred for former 49ers quarterback and Super Bowl XXIX MVP Steve Young -- the great-great-great-grandson of Brigham Young, the iconic second president of the Mormon Church -- when "No on Prop. 8" signs were spotted in his yard during the 2008 election season.
SHARKS VS. JETS?
The Super Bowl is the National Football League (NFL) championship game between the season's winners of the American Football Conference (AFC) and the National Football Conference (NFC). It's like if the season's winners of So You Think You Can Dance and Dancing With the Stars had a West Side Story rumble.
RUFFLED FEATHERS
The original logo for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers pictured a winking pirate in a plumed cap, leading to the team's nickname "Tampa Gay." While actually quite fetch, "Bucco Bruce" was blamed for presiding over 14 years of losing seasons.
AURAL ASSAULT
The Chicago Bears (woof!) are the only sports team to have been nominated for a Grammy. The Bears' 1986 single "The Super Bowl Shuffle" reached number 41 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. No dance remixes to date.
GO LONG
A tight end's main duties are to block for the running back or quarterback carrying the ball and catch passes from the quarterback. Straight men have already heard all the jokes, so don't bother.
No Super Bowl has ever gone into overtime. (Whew!)
