How Monica Beverly Hillz found belonging and love in a world of challenges

The journey through love and relationships can be a fickle endeavor. In an era where we can get groceries delivered to our doorsteps and find the exact match before buying our makeup foundations, the dating sphere - mostly thanks to apps - has progressed. Sadly, navigating love hasn’t gotten easier for most trans folk.

Trans celebrities, too, are not immune to the same difficult pursuit of love.

No one knows this more than Monica Dejesus-Anaya, better known as Monica Beverly Hillz. The Chicago native is best known for her appearance on the fifth season of RuPaul's Drag Race. And while her appearance on the eighth season of Drag Race All Stars was brief, Monica's "Not A Soul Can Clock" performance made her one of 2023's viral sensations, earning her rightful place in queer pop culture.

A proud Latina trans woman and activist, she has never shied away from speaking her truth and sharing her experiences regardless of whether the spotlight is on her. In August of last year, Bachelorette alum Josh Seiter's Instagram account posted the reality star had died; Seiter, in fact, was very much alive, later claiming his account was hacked. Monica, who had briefly dated Seiter, immediately questioned the motive - and lack of communication - during those 24 hours. For his part, Seiter tried to defend his odd silence that day. Moreover, he denied ever having a relationship with Monica, despite his social profile and posts showing otherwise.

Several months had passed when I had the chance to speak with Monica. On a gray afternoon in late November, she brightened the day with an honest conversation on the intricacies of love, relationships, and the challenges trans individuals face. Monica's raw and unfiltered responses shed light on her personal journey, touching on themes of self-love, societal perceptions, and the evolving landscape of relationships.

"I think it takes a very, very strong person to love a trans woman, especially one in the spotlight," Monica says. "Because, you know, you're constantly getting attention everywhere, right?"

Navigating through in-person flirtations and DM slides, Monica admits finding genuine love can indeed be an arduous task, especially when trying to stay clear of "trans chasers" and "clout chasers" - a far cry from her earlier dating experiences as a trans woman, where she felt pressured to be part of “discreet” relationships. "When you're so young, especially in your transition," she explains, "you're just excited and happy that this man is loving you."

Spending all their time indoors rather than out, Monica realized these relationships weren't authentic. "I'd come to realize that my partner was ashamed of being with me and I was a secret," she reflects. But as she continued through her trans journey, a growing self-love helped in her evolution.

"It wasn't until my early 30s…where I started to accept myself and accept who I was,” Monica continues. "I had to nurture and love the person that was hurt so many years ago."

She’s always been about her pre-RPDR life experiences in the media: the trauma of being taken away from her mother as a child, bullied as a teen, and struggling with poverty as a young adult. Sharing also shared her story of being robbed and assaulted while working as an escort.

"You wear your trauma for so long," Monica says. "You start to feel like, OK, I have to really nurture me...take care of myself." Starting with reading books and redefining relationships, she later found additional support through Transformations, a Midwest organization building strength, community, and advocacy among transgender individuals in the Midwest. Launched by Monica's longtime friend, Merrique Jenson, Monica found a space that helped build her into the confident woman she is today. "It gave me a sense of belonging," she says. Starting this year, Hillz now serves on the Board of Directors for the nonprofit.

When asked about what advice she would give to other trans people seeking a partner, Monica provided a proverb by none other than RuPaul: “If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” Monica encourages individuals to love themselves first, embrace their worth irrespective of past experiences, and find honest, genuine, and authentic relationships. "No matter what you've been through," she says, "your past doesn't reflect where you're going."

This article appears in the January/February issue of The Advocate. Monica Beverly Hillz is a model, performer, and activist. Like and follow her on social at @monicabhillz.

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