Your Lovable Trans Auntie is our go-to advice column for life’s biggest (and messiest) questions—love, work, identity, and everything in between. With a signature blend of warmth, wit, and just the right amount of sass, Auntie offers readers a uniquely trans perspective that’s as affirming as it is entertaining. Whether dishing out heartfelt wisdom, practical advice, or a little tough love, Auntie is here to remind everyone that they’re never alone on this journey.
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There are certain things we expect to be part of the bedroom experience: mood lighting, an occasional awkward moment of tangled limbs, maybe even the lingering sound of a curated playlist that we suddenly realized is way too on the nose (is that Marvin Gaye?). But one thing we don't expect? Competing with a smartphone screen mid-thrust.
That's precisely the predicament one person, let's call them Not-Enough-in-Nashville, has found themselves in lately. Between catching up with friends and enjoying late-night drinks, Nashville overheard me ecstatically talking about this advice column. He tapped my shoulder, and we began conversing.
I sometimes wonder if my presence or face says, "Yes, talk to Auntie. She's gonna listen." No complaints here.
Nashville's been with his boyfriend for a year, and things were going great until he noticed a pattern. His partner, who was back at the hotel, wasn't just watching porn before or after sex, but during. "I thought it was a one-time thing," they explained. "But it keeps happening to the point that sex seems emotionless." They later explained how, during one carnal session (sexsion?), they were giving oral sex and looked up to see the boyfriend expressionless and tuned into what was playing on the phone. "I felt cheap," he exclaimed, saying he now props up his phone on the nightstand or holds it in his hand like it's an extension of his body.
If that's not the definition of a red flag, I don't know what it is.
When Not-Enough-in-Nashville confronted his boyfriend, he brushed it off as "just a habit" and insisted it helps. But, as Nashville expressed, it "feels" like it means something. "Am I not enough for him? Should I break up with him?"
Let's take a moment to sit with that. Because this isn't just a question about porn but a question about presence, connection, and whether you should have to compete for your partner's attention when you're already naked in bed.
The Ménage à Trois No One Asked For
Let's get one thing straight—or queer, as the case may be—watching porn isn't a bad thing. Plenty of people consume it in a healthy way as a supplement, not a replacement. It's like dessert: great in moderation, fun to experiment with, but if it becomes too often, baby, let's sit and talk about it.
The problem isn't your boyfriend watching the porn. It's that he's watching porn instead of you. And that? That's the problem.
Is it a Habit or a Coping Mechanism?
Your boyfriend insists this is "just a habit." But habits are things like biting your nails or leaving the dishes in the sink, not tuning out of an intimate experience so you can focus on someone else's OnlyFans content.
Some people become so conditioned to getting off with visual stimulation that they struggle to engage without it. It's not about their partner being less attractive. It's about their brain craving the kind of stimulation an infinite scroll of pixelated pleasure provides.
But here's the thing: that's not your problem to fix. If your partner needs porn to stay engaged, and he's not actively working to rewire that—either on his own or with a professional—then he's prioritizing their gratification over your intimacy.
This begs the question: Does he care about how this makes you feel?
A Little Porn Is One Thing—Disregard Is Another
Not-Enough-in-Nashville, if you're reading this (and I genuinely hope you are), you asked if you're not enough for him. But you must reframe the message and ask yourself if he's enough for you.
The interest in watching porn during sex isn't about whether you're attractive, sexy, or exciting enough. I could tell you a thousand times that you are—and you absolutely are—but the truth is, even if you were a walking, talking thirst trap, a man with a dependency on porn would still be glued to his screen.
So, let's focus on the real issue: Does he respect you enough to listen when you tell him this bothers you?
A good partner, one deserving of being in your bed and life, will acknowledge your feelings. They won't gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting. They won't dismiss your concerns. They won't act like you are the problem when they're the one turning sex into a watch party.
Can This Be Fixed?
Maybe. If your partner is willing to put the phone down and re-learn how to be present, then, sure, it's possible. But that requires effort and willingness.
If this relationship is worth saving, you must have a real conversation, perhaps even one with a therapist or intimacy coach. Then, watch how he responds—not just with words but actions.
Here's the bottom line, loves:
- If he listens, acknowledges your feelings, and tries to change, maybe there's a future here.
- If he gets defensive, minimizes your feelings, or refuses to budget? Then, it's time to start making your exit plan.
You are not a background character in your own sex life. You are not an afterthought. And you certainly do not need a relationship where you feel like a placeholder for a screen.
So, should you break up with him? Perhaps. But the core question is, why stay with someone who makes you feel this way?
I've been with a partner before, who didn't necessarily make porn the center of our bedroom, but made me feel less worthy of myself. And for a while, admittedly, I ran with it. Hoping one day he would change, I woke up one morning to realize that I was there through him for the good times and bad. But, in the end, I realized that I could only pour so much into him before my thirst quenched for more.
You deserve a fully present lover who looks at you like you're the most captivating thing in the room. Someone who doesn't need external stimulation to stay engaged because they are so into you that everything else fades away.
And if that's not what your partner can offer you? Well, loves, you already know what to do.
Stay fabulous,
Your Lovable Trans Auntie
