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“Check in on even your ‘strong’ friends. A caring, listening conversation that normalizes help-seeking can make all the difference,” says Dr. Christine Moutier.
Troy Masters, the publisher of the Los Angeles Blade, died last week at the age of 63 by suicide.
Many of my Facebook acquaintances and LinkedIn connections posted about Troy. They knew him and talked about his remarkability. It was tough to read their comments because Troy seemed to embody so much love, life, and professional success. It’s hard to juxtapose all of that with not wanting to live anymore.
Troy’s death has shaken those who knew him, including longtime colleague and friend Paul Schindler, the founding editor of Gay City News. Schindler reflected on their decades-long friendship when I spoke to him over the weekend.
“We’re all dumbfounded and staggered by this news,” Schindler said. “Troy and I first worked together in 1995, and we literally sat next to each other for 20 years. In those 20 years, we probably spoke every single day.”
Schindler described Masters as a man with extraordinary emotional intelligence, someone who “clued into people very quickly.” He recalled how Masters formed immediate impressions of him after their very first meeting and how he could read others with the same remarkable insight. “I’m not suggesting there’s a relationship between emotional intelligence and finding yourself in an emotional hole,” Schindler said, “but it was something striking about him.”
Masters was deeply devoted to his family, particularly his sister, Tammy, and his mother. “I don’t know that I know another person who was closer to their sibling than Troy was to Tammy,” Schindler shared. “He revered his mother. The fact that he left them suggests to me a kind of pain that makes this even more unimaginable because he looked out for them so much.”
In recent years, Masters frequently traveled between Los Angeles and Nashville to support his mother, whose health has been declining.
“He worried about the future of the industry, about how newspapers are doing,” Schindler explained. “That was always a concern. But it wasn’t unusual. He had an iron gut. He had so much courage and optimism. I was the worrier. I had a churning stomach. He had boundless optimism and confidence. There are things we don’t see, what’s behind that devil-may-care aspect of charm that made Troy so magnetic.”
Masters’s passing has prompted Schindler to reflect on their shared journey and the interconnectedness of their lives. “It just brings back memories of so many years of work together,” he said. “You never leave your life behind. We all remain connected even as we progress on to new things in our lives.”
Of my three attempts at suicide, two were during the holidays. Many talk about the duality of the season, when the most wonderful time of the year can also be the most crushing. My mind was in the darkest place imaginable, made much darker by all the brightness of the holidays.
Dr. Christine Moutier, the chief medical officer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, offered some insight into the haunting specter of suicide and how it affects people from all walks of life, any time and anywhere.
"Suicide is a complex health outcome that affects people of all backgrounds and identities,” Dr. Moutier explained. “Even though the population suicide rate does not peak during the winter holidays — this peak actually occurs in the spring in most populations around the globe — holidays are a time when culturally there is a strong emphasis on family and coming together to celebrate connections and cultural traditions. For those struggling and at risk for suicide, this time can create paradoxical feelings of disconnection.”
We can never, ever imagine the pain Troy was going through, and that’s what makes his death so difficult to bear for the people who knew him. “What could I have done to help?” Is the most common refrain. When someone has cancer or a debilitating health crisis, the first response is to jump in and help, because the signals of suffering are there. But when your mental health falters, it’s often in unsupportable silence.
Dr. Moutier talked about how difficult it is for people who have lost a loved one to suicide.
“These moments can resurface painful feelings of loss, grief, and even guilt,” she said. “Extend compassion and support to those who have lost loved ones to suicide. Don't hesitate to reach out to those you know are hurting during this time due to losses in their lives. Even if you feel you don't have the right words, just letting them know that you are there to listen and provide company can be a salve."
Finally, Dr. Moutier advises checking in on loved ones and colleagues. “Check in on even your ‘strong’ friends. A caring, listening conversation that normalizes help-seeking can make all the difference.”
If you or someone you know needs mental health resources and support, please call, text, or chat with the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline or visit 988lifeline.org for 24/7 access to free and confidential services. Trans Lifeline, designed for transgender or gender-nonconforming people, can be reached at (877) 565-8860. The lifeline also provides resources to help with other crises, such as domestic violence situations. The Trevor Project Lifeline, for LGBTQ+ youth (ages 24 and younger), can be reached at (866) 488-7386. Users can also access chat services at TheTrevorProject.org/Help or text START to 678678.
Other links to helpful resources:
#RealConvo Guide: https://talkawaythedark.afsp.org/#convos
Knowing the Risk and Recognizing the Signs of Suicide: https://afsp.org/risk-factors-protective-factors-and-warning-signs/
Support for Recent Loss Survivors: https://afsp.org/healing-conversations/
