What happens when your best friend of 40 years suddenly turns on you for being gay?

I guess I’ve been lucky throughout my life that no one, at least to my face, has ever directed anti-LGBTQ+ vitriol my way. In fact, I've always felt truly blessed about the great friends in my life. I brag about them constantly.

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Then last month, the unthinkable happened. I was assaulted — via texts — by my best friend of over 40 years. I don’t know why it came so fast and furious. However, thinking back, there were clues along the way, but they were often — always — overlooked because of the significance of our friendship.

Over the last 40-some years, this person has been like a brother to me. He was a star all-American athlete with a fun and exuberant disposition and a good heart. His laugh was infectious. We’ve had countless wild and crazy times throughout our life. We also shared lots of heartache. He was the first person I told I was gay.

I was the first call when he lost a child. I was there when his father suffered a devastating illness and died. I lost my father at a young age too, so I knew what it was like. His family has always been my second family. Through all my breakups, and his, I think we knew we were always there for each other. The stories of our drunken escapades are legendary. I loved him with all my heart. Yet, there were signs, here and there, that he never knew quite how to handle my sexuality.

Throughout my life, he would text me periodically, asking, “Are you still gay?” He’s a goofball, so I assumed they were jokes and would usually reply, “Are you still married and divorced three times?” It was all in good fun.

Yet it would go beyond that. If he saw a picture of me in pink pants, for example, he’d write, “Those pants are so gay.” Or if I said something remotely sentimental to him, he’d respond with “You’re so gay.” You get the idea.

I never thought about how much the word “gay” filled out his vocabulary toward me until he unleashed on me. I always gave it a pass, thinking, That’s just him. I know that he loved me and I loved him. I always thought he was accepting of me and would never hurt me.

And because he was the antithesis of a gay man, I wrongly thought that my friendship with him was validation of the fact that I wasn’t that gay. I’ve only now come to realize and accept that was a major character flaw on my behalf. I was wrong to think that way.

I don’t think he ever truly accepted me for being gay. A few years ago, it occurred to me that my relationship with my parents was a redux of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” I was more tolerated than accepted. The same applies to my best friend. As long as I wasn’t overt about being gay. As long as I didn’t talk about it, as long as it continued to be a joke, then it was OK.

But not anymore.

Before I begin to recount what happened, it’s important to note that hate speech and crimes against our community are on the rise — if you didn’t know that already. Violence against our community is on the rise. Anti-LGBTQ+ bills in state legislatures are on the rise. Anti-LGBTQ+ online hate and disinformation is on the rise. Queer hate crimes in schools are on the rise. Even in the accepting confines of my own backyard in New York City, hate crimes are rising.

Now, against this backdrop of rising threats, consider the following.

I’ve always given great credence to a quote from Shakespeare, “Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none.” I thought about that advice recently. If you lose trust when someone does wrong, do you still love?

About two weeks ago, out of the blue — and during Pride Month — my phone started to blow up with notifications of text messages from my best friend:

I hate fucking pride month. People aren’t better people because they are gay. And I really hate how people identify. Whether a person likes it or you can’t identify {anyway} you want but it’s how society identifies you that matters. I hate this shit. Right {sic} a real article about how fucking out of control this is getting.

You know I am right. Who gives a shit about that crap. I really wish they would just shut the fuck up.

Then he sent an IG post of a guy at LA Pride with a long, flowing Pride flag dress…

I wish someone would punch him in his face.

And that it became more appalling…

You don’t get it. I get shit because I date young women. If I was dating young men it would be something that pride would support. I am not ignorant. I just don’t think it should be celebrated. Who gives a shit. Gay people are not special. They are not better. Why do we have a month to celebrate it. It’s fucking nonsense.

They are ruining our youth. Forcing young children to learn things that aren’t necessary

Two final things. LGBTO is a fucking cult. They are just like the fucking [Mormons] and Christian bible bangers out there on the street corners spreading misinformation. They are predators trying to convert people especially young people. LGBTQ has ruined California and are ruining this country. And calling me ignorant because you don’t respect my opinion shows how blind you are to your ignorance. You’re all in because you work for a totally biased media outlet that spreads this cancerous propaganda. Love you buddy.

I read them again, then stopped. It made me sick.

I shared the texts with a couple of people who know him, who were equally offended. Some said write him back and let him have it. Others said to just ignore it, walk away, and never go back. I gave it almost a week, and I wrote back, and I did let him have it. I also said that he should not respond if he was going to defend himself because his comments were indefensible.

He wrote back immediately:

I am sorry. I won’t give you my thoughts anymore. There is no privilege to being a white straight male in this country. {There} pride month black history month women’s month Hispanic month. So I don’t get it. I don’t hate anyone. I hate that people think they are special because they have a sexual preference or they want to cut off their dick because they are really a woman. Then they want to compete in sports as a woman. Sorry I don’t think gay people are better than anyone else.

No big deal. I {thing} it is a waste of energy and time worrying about this. The world has way more important issues than gay rights.

Any confusion, doubt, or worries about his state of mind were erased immediately. The fact that he didn’t think this was hurtful to me is bewildering. How obtuse can you be? Of course I didn’t respond. My only recourse was to let go.

He would never understand my sexual preference.

But he wouldn’t let go of me and my sexuality. Days later he sent me two more offensive text messages. One was a video of comedian Norm Macdonald making fun of parents who were holding a sign that said, “We’re proud of our gay son.” “What’s to be proud of? He didn’t do anything,” Macdonald said ignorantly.

Didn’t do anything? If we didn’t do anything, millions more of us would have died of AIDS. We’re still dying of AIDS because there is no cure yet. If we didn’t do anything, we’d never be allowed to serve in the military. While the jury is out if we’re still welcome, all it will take is one administration — or one Congress — to prohibit us again.

If we didn’t do anything, we wouldn’t be allowed to marry. But Justice Sonya Sotomayor said after a recent court ruling on immigration that our right to marry is under threat with a 6-3 conservative majority out to get us. It’s not a matter of if but when. (Side note: My best friend had the luxury of marrying three times before I was ever allowed to marry.).

We’re still doing things, trying to block cruel anti-trans legislation and vigorously trying to get an Equality Act passed because we can still be fired from our jobs. We have churches that call us sinners, politicians who call our sex illegal, and we even have a pope who calls us fags.

His words went well above and beyond the limit of hate. What makes a once intelligent person go so far off the rails?

I don’t have an answer, and I’m not going to try to figure out what happened to him. I can only worry about myself and make sure that I keep the vestiges of hate as far away from my life as I can and let go of all those inadequate feelings about myself that I carried around our friendship after all these years. If I can’t stand up for myself, how can I write for our community and speak out for us when we have so much left to do?

To say he means something to me now would be a lie, and that makes me feel terrible, but what he said about me makes me feel 10 times worse. It’s time to move forward and put that chapter behind me.

What else do you do when your best friend of 40 years suddenly turns on you for being gay?